Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 3

[Traveler]

Hi Dan35,

I agree, she's the one eager to sell the house, so let her do any work. It's not your pet project. I'd agree with the adjectives you used: not harsh nor nasty, assertive and firm about what you do with your own time, not controlling about what she does with her time. Do you need to worry about her feeling X? It's a chance to validate! More like, "Wow, that does sound hard!" and not "Well, if you'd just change your mind.."

[Traveler]

You say standing up for yourself is a big 180. Consider thinking through how you'd deal with likely tries from her to regain control e.g., "Aren't we still friends?!", or "This is the final nail in the coffin." or "Then I'm going with a different agent." or "No worries. I know a guy who's always eager to help me."

[DaB35]

I honestly have no idea how she might react.

Essentially then I'm saying, "Ok we've chosen who will put it up for sale. You contact them then, and get them to take the photos and get the house online. Makes sense as you're here and I'm not." I'll leave it at that and see what she says.

If she kicks off I will simply validate, won't take the bait, and then leave. I do have plans for the evening anyway (GAL) so I have an excuse to go back home and get ready for that.

[DaB35]

You say standing up for yourself is a big 180. Consider thinking through how you'd deal with likely tries from her to regain control e.g., "Aren't we still friends?!", or "This is the final nail in the coffin." or "Then I'm going with a different agent." or "No worries. I know a guy who's always eager to help me."

If she asked if we were "still friends" - I'd probably say "Yes. We are." and not say anything further, then steer the conversation to something else.

Getting a bit nervous about tomorrow afternoon - I know I shouldn't be, since I won't be there long, but I am.

Perhaps I shouldn't reel off my list of GAL activities, even if she asks? Just give bare minimum answers if she asks 'how have things been going,' to maintin the 'mysterious' idea? She definitely will ask. And I will ask how she has been. I won't go into it much further than that though.

What does everyone think?

[Traveler]

Hi Dan,

Getting a bit nervous about tomorrow afternoon

It's normal to be nervous in this situation!

Perhaps I shouldn't reel off my list of GAL activities, even if she asks? Just give bare minimum answers if she asks 'how have things been going,' to maintin the 'mysterious' idea? She definitely will ask. And I will ask how she has been. I won't go into it much further than that though.

The first time you set a boundary can be upsetting for someone used to getting their way. Strive to hold firm on your control over your own body, and remember to focus on validating her feelings and understanding her position more than justifying yourself. These can be radically impactful 180s, since most people don't do them, the first upping her respect and the second her connection to you.

I don't know much about playing mysterious! In a similar position, I told my partner about one activity I did that week in detail (which was social but not focused on other women) and there was evidence about the place of other activities. Maybe someone else will chime in who focuses more on this.

These are ideas from 1,000+ miles away! You know your own situation. Good luck!

[DaB35]

Thanks CW, that's good advice.

I will let her know about passing my exams. That can be my 'main news'.

Just finished my morning exercise. Going to clean my car and then have a shower before leaving after lunch, about 1pm.
Will ensure I look as presentable as possible!

[DaB35]

Update on meet up at the house:

[Hadn't seen W since 17 August]

OK it went well. I was pleasant, confident, wore nice new clothes, expensive cologne, haircut, clean car, the works.
I was there just under 2 hours.

She asked how I was and "what's new?" I told her about my exams.
"Anything else?" she asked.
I said I had lots of gigs lined up and would be earning a lot in the next few months. Days out planned. Proper gym induction on Tuesday.

I asked about her. I listened and validated as she talked about the extra work she's had to take on and not enjoying.

She was also talking about how she went out heavily drinking several times and went ot work hungover etc. I was very unattracted to her at this point - she was like when we first met in 2010.

We emptied the dishwasher together while we talked.

Then we stood in the kitchen and talked. She has lots of stuff on too. I listened. I validated well I thought. I felt I validated well when she said she was lonely in the house - her main reason for selling. I said things like "I can see why you'd feel that way" or "yes it must get lonely here a lot being on your own."
She is worried about moving to live with her brother. He has a very small house. She was saying, "I just don't know how I'll fit all my stuff in his house, or how I'm going to run my businesses anymore."

I responded "Well, this is the reality of this decision." She didn't answer me back.

Also she said, "And what will be do with all the stuff in the shed?"

Me - "Find a place for it."

I went to the garage and took some stuff to my car, then got my mail and parcels.

We decided on an agent. I made her email them. She wasn't happy about that.

Later on she said, "this is your house too so you can do some things as well to help the sale. I'm very busy and have a lot on."

[Cheeky! I thought, "what, and I'm not busy?!"]

I then reminded her to pay me a final payment for her Macbook (I bought it on my credit card and she's been paying me back for it).

I said I needed to leave (was meeting my sister for dinner later). I didn't give W a hug when I left, nor did I say "nice to see you" or anything. Effectively, I left by saying, "OK, well I'll be off then. Keep me in the loop about the house. See yah."

I weird thing - I did not feel VERY SAD when I went there today.

I think I came across well - no arguments. We didn't discuss R or D.

Within 20mins of me leaving, she texted to say "Thanks for coming and helping out. I've sent you the money for the Macbook. Does that mean I'm fully paid up now?" Strange as she knows it's an hour's drive to my parents' house. I waited until 8.30pm and just replied: "Yes the Macbook is fully paid up." Nothing more.



If she expects me to do more then I'll say, "With respect, the decision to sell the house is yours. You should therefore lead the sale. I will cooperate, but I will let you drive."

[DS9]

Bravo Dan, sounds like you handled that like a champ! All of that exchange sounds really good mate.

I responded "Well, this is the reality of this decision." She didn't answer me back.

Haha - I use pretty much exactly the exact same phrase too, and there's never a response to me either. Its a bit of a thought terminating cliche.

Keep up the good work mate

[Traveler]

Hi Dan, it sounds you handled that really well.

She was also talking about how she went out heavily drinking several times and went ot work hungover etc. I was very unattracted to her at this point - she was like when we first met in 2010.

Sounds like she’d better come to her senses soon before you’ve moved on.

[DaB35]

Thanks both.

Yes I'm pleased with how it went. I'm staying positive.

My view now - I was great for her. It's HER loss she's throwing everything away without wanting to try. She is missing out on the new me. I'm GALing and happy.

Just need to wait for house sale now I guess. I will keep everything up consistently and ensure she always sees this improved version of me as that's who I am now.