MLC - I am definitely going to bring up my desire to have a weeknight dinner with the kids in our next MC session.
I had a good talk with a D'ed friend of mine yesterday. He went through an amicable D, then 2 years later wanted 50/50 custody and it got as nasty as it can get. His advice was that once I'm ready to D, whether or not I feel prepared to do 50/50 today, I have to go for it if I want it in a couple years.
I can continue to be patient for now, provided I get that break within the 10 day gaps.
R2C - Interesting you suggest self-education. I have bought several parenting books in the last few months, my W seems to have no interest. I am taking a 7-week parenting class starting in a couple weeks on my own initiative. I had my car seats inspected on my own initiative. I'm not trying to make a big show of it, I'm doing things I think will benefit me and my relationship with my kids.
Hrt - I had a good IC session yesterday to help me sort out the MC goals. Next week is our first MC session after a 1 month break during which my W intended to work on herself and see if she is ready to work on the MR. I am skeptical that she will ever come around.
HOWEVER... we do have a lot going on and these sessions can be useful for co-parenting, provided my W does not turn them into "child safety class." We are still at a fragile stage where our texts and conversations are littered with triggers and we have difficulty working through logistics. So I feel some MC is important to help us with communication. Unfortunately, the sessions often veer away from working together as a team, and instead turn to accusing me of failing to live up to some arbitrarily high parenting standard that does not go both ways.
My intent is to raise this problem in the next MC session as well -- that it is not serving my needs to be put down and accused of being a bad parent when we go to these sessions.
In other words, I am okay if we continue MC provided we are working towards at least one of 2 goals:
1. Working on the MR 2. Working *as a team* on being better co-parents
Noteworthy GAL updates since separation end of June:
- I've been surfing about once a week. It's like meditation on steroids. I am going to invest in a thicker wetsuit so I can continue as the water cools off.
- During the pre-BD day anxieties I lost about 10lbs. I am naturally skinny, so at that point I was gaunt. I started hitting the gym about 2 months ago, and I've put back on the 10 plus another 5. I'm lifting heavier weights than I did after college. It feels great.
- I have almost finished a kitchen table for my rental house - just need to finish the finish. I built the table-top from scratch, sanded it, stained it, and added some hairpin legs. It will be the perfect size for me and the kids, and also a nice desk when I am home alone.
I still find myself with a lot of free time to fill. I'm checking out a men's group that meets Thursday nights (not sure if I will stick around), and starting a parenting class for 2 months in a couple weeks. A co-worker invited me to bar trivia nights, but it conflicts with the class. Maybe once the class is over I will join.
Great weekend with the kids, took them to the beach yesterday. We didn't bring swimsuits as we weren't planning to swim, but I let them get sandy and wet in their clothes - they had so much fun. I feel so much more relaxed parenting them on my own, not trying to meet my W's expectations in parallel.
We exchanged D3 when I dropped the older 2 off at school today. W casually mentioned she has stopped IC for a few weeks, due to having trouble finding child-care for D3. We also were supposed to follow-up with a financial advisor on what temporary spousal support calculations would show, and my W seemed to suggest maybe in October we could do that.
I'm not emotionally triggered by either of the above. I find it to just be further confirmation she prefers the status quo.
If we were at 50/50 custody and a reasonable financial arrangement, I feel like I would be okay continuing in limbo for quite a long time. As it is, the imbalance in both arrangements does not work for me. We have MC in a couple days, this will be something I need to bring up. Otherwise I expect another "Let's meet again in a month" type of a session. Maybe legalizing this separation will be the way to go.
Great weekend with the kids, took them to the beach yesterday. We didn't bring swimsuits as we weren't planning to swim, but I let them get sandy and wet in their clothes - they had so much fun.
Great to hear, U! Sometimes kids just gotta be kids
Originally Posted by Unchien
I'm not emotionally triggered by either of the above. I find it to just be further confirmation she prefers the status quo.
Good to hear your detachment is progressing and things seem to be evening out for you. That's one of the most difficult things about S.
From everything I've read here and other places, these things take years to resolve. I'm finally beginning to understand what the vets say when they talk about this being a "marathon". It truly is. It's different in ways for each of us. the best way I can think of it now is "settling in for the long haul"
Originally Posted by Unchien
If we were at 50/50 custody and a reasonable financial arrangement, I feel like I would be okay continuing in limbo for quite a long time. As it is, the imbalance in both arrangements does not work for me. We have MC in a couple days, this will be something I need to bring up. Otherwise I expect another "Let's meet again in a month" type of a session. Maybe legalizing this separation will be the way to go.
Would there be any necessary reason to legalize the separation? IMO If it's not necessary I wouldn't bring it up - it seems like pressure towards an outcome from my position, but again I'm no lawyer here and I dont know how that would affect any potential future dealings.
Sounds like things have evened out for you, U - I'm glad. Keep focusing on you and your kids
Would there be any necessary reason to legalize the separation? IMO If it's not necessary I wouldn't bring it up - it seems like pressure towards an outcome from my position, but again I'm no lawyer here and I dont know how that would affect any potential future dealings.
Well I'm starting to get worried about custody and finances.
On custody, I would like to be at 50/50 in 2 years. However, I don't want to D, and then later try to adjust custody. I may need to consult a lawyer if establishing precedent for many months during a trial separation will make it more difficult if I need to advocate for 50/50 later.
On finances, we are spending more than I bring in, and my W is slow to go back to work. We do have a fairly large savings base, but it is not a tenable situation. The numbers are ugly. A year of separation would take another 3 years to dig out of. That kind of thing.
The pressure on both fronts is not currently felt by my W. She does not really grasp the financial hole we are digging in the way that I do. That's all good and fine - I don't want custody or money to be the reasons she wants to reconcile - but facts are facts and this situation is not workable long-term.
To your main question... If I felt ready to push to legalize the separation, I would probably just file for D.
Like most of us here, I feel like I've dropped the rope, but I'm sure there is an invisible thread I'm still hanging onto, and that may become evident at any time. I do think a lot lately about moving on. Maybe I have negative sentiment override now, but I look back at the last several years of our MR and see a controlling, high-strung, emotionally unavailable W, and I just cannot go back to that.
On finances, we are spending more than I bring in, and my W is slow to go back to work. We do have a fairly large savings base, but it is not a tenable situation. The numbers are ugly. A year of separation would take another 3 years to dig out of. That kind of thing.
The pressure on both fronts is not currently felt by my W. She does not really grasp the financial hole we are digging in the way that I do. That's all good and fine - I don't want custody or money to be the reasons she wants to reconcile - but facts are facts and this situation is not workable long-term.
Yeah I agree with you on the finances thing. My W did not feel any repercussions until about 6 months ago. Then it hit hard - naturally, because I stopped problem solving for the both of us with temporary solutions and credit line consoldiations, which is how I juggled things during bad times and kept us above water for 2 decades.
I also don't want this to be the sole reason for Recon though. It is untenable for me right now, which is why I work 60 hours a week and am looking for a second job.
If you can, try to mitigate this sooner rather than later. Its a regret that I have - hopefully you can arrange something before it becomes a real problem (trust me it can get worse)
Originally Posted by Unchien
To your main question... If I felt ready to push to legalize the separation, I would probably just file for D.
Like most of us here, I feel like I've dropped the rope, but I'm sure there is an invisible thread I'm still hanging onto, and that may become evident at any time. I do think a lot lately about moving on. Maybe I have negative sentiment override now, but I look back at the last several years of our MR and see a controlling, high-strung, emotionally unavailable W, and I just cannot go back to that.
I thought I had dropped the rope but every once in a while something happens that makes me realize I'm still holding on to a thread. I dont think this ever completely goes away though. Gotta keep working at it.
I would recommend being careful that your emotions of upset or anger aren't causing you to rethink the past. It usually falls somewhere in the grey area - good times and also bad times. Otherwise we wouldn't put up with long term MR's and we wouldn't be here discussing how to potentially save them, right?
I believe it is possible, to build a new R, with our S's- but only after they have processed whatever it is they are going through, if they are ready and willing to work on themselves and also a new R, if the damage isn't too great, and if we are ready to forgive them.
Moving on...for me I guess that would be a life alone. For quite some time. It's not something I look forward to, but it would be absolutely necessary so I would be certain not to make the same mistakes over again. Also, I think I would need a lot of time to think about things and do the things that I want to do without having to compromise with a new person's agenda.
Not much would change on my end - I know what I want to do and I know how to get there. I see no reason to change what I want to accomplish in life due to my W wanting to leave (and for a while around BD i thought i had to do that)
What would moving on versus not moving on look like to you, U?
Like most of us here, I feel like I've dropped the rope, but I'm sure there is an invisible thread I'm still hanging onto, and that may become evident at any time.
From what I see, you have not dropped the rope. You are loosening your grip, but I feel you have a long way to get to dropping the rope.
Originally Posted by unchien
If I felt ready to push to legalize the separation, I would probably just file for D.
I sometimes feel that you are swinging between extremes. Stay in current limbo situation or file for D. There is always a middle ground. The problem I see is that you are not standing up and asking for what you need, even when the ask is something that is reasonable. I have said this before, but I feel you are letting your wife set the rules and you are accepting them, defending yourself for not following the rules at times. Ask for what you deserve first and ask firmly before thinking about D.
Thanks. It is a NG tendency to operate between 2 extremes - I can either accept my W's terms, or file for D. I know there is a middle ground, and thank you for calling me out on this. Filing for D would be using a sledgehammer to drive in a nail.
You’re BSing yourself. You can decline child safety class and not file for D. You can tell your W you are not going to go ten days without seeing your kids and not file for D. You can tell your W you are not updating her every 2 hours when you have the kids and not file for D.
