I have a question. I have been reading 5 love langueages and man does it explain a lot. I definitely messed up my wife’s love language. I was wondering, can I give her a copy?
I think she would naturally resist any reading/listening material that you suggest or give her. I love this book but seldom suggest the LBS read it. Why? B/c they react in the very same way you did.
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2 reasons why; 1 Maybe she would see I was trying I got her love language wrong.
No, Wolf, it would only give her more reason to be angry with you.
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2 it talks about not being in love anymore but love is a choice and it can come back if we fill a person’s “love tank”. I don’t know, it might be a stretch.
Oh no, she would really buck up about this one. Choosing to love is polar opposite from what she wants.
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I really wish I read this book a long time ago. I know now spending time and words of affirmation is her 2 love languages. Not buying gifts and doing things. Sad how I screwed that up!!
I suspect we all had similar thoughts or feelings after reading the book. We don't know what we don't know. Now that you know, go forward implementing what you know.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
That is definitely my problem. I am constantly using logic when she is not. I have always been a logical person. I’m sorry LH I know you have told me this a bunch of times. I guess when there is a problem a try to solve it and I keep thinking how I am going to solve the problem. But in this instance I have to let it go. There is no logical explanation for what she is doing.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I was wondering, can I give her a copy?
No.
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if we fill a person’s “love tank”.... I know now spending time and words of affirmation is her 2 love languages.
Right now, just fill her love bucket with words of affirmation in a non-needy way. Use your logic and reasoning to make changes in your behavior that will make her think of you differently. Her thoughts will then make her feel differently about you.
How do I do those 2 things. Words of affirmation in a non needy way. What behavior do I need to change?
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
There is one thing that really stands out that you said and it was your search for freedom. That you wanted to be free
That´s MLC selfishness. Waywardness is part of it. And some unknown misteries that were there in my childhood. Faced some of them, working to face other.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
You also mentioned you w did not put in the work. What could she have done to help the situation?
She did. She let me go. That´s why I came back. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I started wondering why I did what I did. My inner journey started around that time. I was doing IC and I found this forum. I was saved!
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Sandi thanks for the advice. It’s so sad and hard thatbwhen they are in this state of mind there is nothing we can say at this point that will help our cause. I have changed my behavior and so far proved to her I am not the same person. But I once heard you can’t undo years of “hurt” in only a few months. It’s really sad we’re she is mentally too. Tomorrow is my son’s back to school picnic. It’s after school. My w is not coming, it’s friday she is going out to happy hour with her friends. Definitely not something she WOULD HAVE EVER DONE!!! But she is in teenage mentality and just wants to party.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Wolf, as you know my W is the same. Her need for fun and time with friends is the priority over our son. It's sad, but that's why I'm there for him as much as I can be.
I don't understand it - but you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
I’d be curious to hear examples of words of affirmation that don’t come across as needy or pursuant?
It would be something like she helps the kids with homework and you say "you are really a wonderful mother, they are very lucky to have someone like you!" Or she mentions something positive at work and you say "You've always been such a dedicated worker, I'm glad to hear that's paying off for you!"
Most guys get this wrong, they think words of affirmation are things like "wow your butt looks great in that" or "my don't your boobs look huge in that top." NOOOOO that is not what it means, LOL!
You need to focus on yourself Wolf. You know that.
I do. I am trying real hard to just focus on myself. Not something I am use to but I have no choice now.
Originally Posted by jac12
I don't understand it - but you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
So true. I guess I was always a fixer and trying to make things right all the time. But where she is in her life I definitely can’t and have to step back.
AS basically they are compliments. I do that all the time for her. Tell her what a wonderful mother she is and what a great teacher she is and how lucky those kids are to have her as a teacher. I never talk about her appearance. Just things that she has done and how good she is.
I have my kids today and looking to have fun with them. My s has a back to school picnic in a little while so I’m looking forward to that. Tomorrow my s has a flag football game in the morning. Can’t wait watch him tomorrow. Then afterwards going to city for a beer crawl with some friends.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
