Divorce/WAW due to my infidelity Part 3

[crdcheck]

Ok, real example from right now: I told W that I reviewed the mediation agreement and have some changes I'd like to see (nothing too crazy). She offered to either talk on the phone after D3 goes to bed or I can come by her place. What do I do? I "naturally" want to go over but the DBer in me is saying that this isn't conducive to detaching.

[LH19]

C,

Either is fine. I think you are overthinking it. If reconciliation is going to happen it’s most likely going to be a minimum of 18 months down the road.

[Ready2Change]

. What do I do

Email her:

Here are my proposed changes:

Paragraph 3 - Change line 3 from XYZ to ABC.
Paragraph 6 - Change this Amount to this amount.
.
.
..


Regards,

crdcheck

[unchien]

She offered to either talk on the phone after D3 goes to bed or I can come by her place. What do I do? I "naturally" want to go over but the DBer in me is saying that this isn't conducive to detaching.

crd - Why do you want to go over?

[crdcheck]

I'd like some interaction outside of work and I feel like my opportunities to be AMOAFWL around her are very limited so I should take advantage of them. I'm worried that I've gone too far to the end of the DB spectrum and now she sees me as being cold and detached (vs. lovingly detaching).

I'm exhausted (woke up last night stressing about my new place... lost two hours of sleep) so I'm probably simultaneously overthinking and not thinking. I mean, I know that nothing is going to change the divorce at this point, I've got at least a year ahead of me. But we barely see each other as it is and, once the house is sold and the divorce finalized, we'll just see each other in passing, D3's big events (3-5x per year). Unless she has some terrible dating experiences she'll just reinforce the narrative that I'm the scum of the earth, no one could be worse than me.

I should probably follow the advice of going over email, skipping the call/visit. Which risk is greater: that she thinks I'm game to be friends or that she thinks I don't care about her at all?

[LH19]

Neither matters one iota. That’s why do whatever you feel comfortable with at this point. You can show her with actions that aren’t game being friends.

You are correct in that she has to see the grass isn’t greener before she decides to come back. The question is will you want her back?

[crdcheck]

You are correct in that she has to see the grass isn’t greener before she decides to come back. The question is will you want her back?

I would want a different version of her. To be clear, I don't mean "NEW AND IMPROVED", I mean "Classic, The Original". This time apart has given me a great opportunity to really think about how she treated me and there were real issues. I was terrible to her, no question about it. I spoke to her inappropriately (not cursing, more like dismissive and denigrating... related to NGS) and I cheated. There is no excuse for either of those. And I was a bad communicator. So it's been easy for me to take the blame for all of this, promise I'll do more. But she was also terrible to me in different ways, maybe ways that she didn't realize were terrible but have played to my insecurities. I never felt like I was "first" with her and I can think of specific examples where I tried to be vulnerable and she cut me down. We got into a bad place but she only sees my flaws, not her own.

[more info below than needed]
The "relapse" I had last October, the girl involved saw me when I arrived at the party, ran up and hugged me, said it was great to see me. At the time I was working from home (had gotten off of the road after coming clean, when on the road I was with a social team, WFH was lonely) and every day when W came home I would be waiting, "Welcome home!!! How was your day?" and she just blew me off. Said she was tired and didn't want to talk about work (but would text colleagues all evening). So one bit of attention from some girl was an oasis in a desert. Doesn't justify it, I should not have put myself in the situation in the first place. But looking back I was desperate for attention, affection, and interest. I don't think that these are unreasonable expectations.

[Back to the basics]
It's stuff like that where, when you say "would I take her back?" no, not that person. That person made me feel alone and ashamed and didn't put any work into trying to save the MR. In Sandi's words, she "sat" rather than "stood" for the MR. At the same time, I would struggle to say "no" to getting back together if for no other reason than I think D3 deserves it. But I would need W to take point on the R, scheduling MC, listening to my needs. Otherwise... it's rinse and repeat.

[Back to tonight]
I only see downside to going over. If it goes poorly then I'm reinforcing the narrative. If it goes "well" then I'm in the friend zone. Like, what, she's going to see something in me as we are going through the divorce paperwork and say "hey, let's table this for a couple of months, maybe try to talk things out?" I certainly can't say that (pursuing).

[DS9]

Hey mate,

I'd second the not going over or speaking on phone and just emailing her.

Have you tried any sleep ease type supplements? There are plenty out there from the chemist that target better sleeping. Guided meditation before bed helps too.

Good luck mate! Regds D

[crdcheck]

I followed your advice and I'm glad I did. Not because anything happened but I realized as I typed up the comments that she is going to be annoyed with many of them and this is not really the right time to be validating, etc. I'm also not in the best mental condition for real-time disagreements but I didn't want to put it off because I need her to keep moving on something for me (house waiver) and I know that she'd interpret any delay as me trying to control her or whatever.

Anyway, thanks for the advice, we'll see how she responds.

[crdcheck]

Some post-Separation observations:

1) I'm not as quick to anger anymore. I spilled glass of water last night in the same way I did maybe 6 months ago. Last time I got really angry at myself because I worried that it would damage the floor (and I think that I was upset that I looked stupid in front of W). Last night, no anger, just cleaned it up.
2) Sleep is key. I felt a million times better today after getting 8+ hours of sleep last night. Not sure if it should be considered a GAL or 180 but it's important
3) Relationship with D3 is much improved. It wasn't bad before, but she prefers W to me and, without W around, we get to spend more quality time together. I'm excited to plan new activities with her; it's much easier when I don't have to worry about keeping W happy ("what if she doesn't want to go, will she feel pressured? Will she not want D3 to do this? Did she have other plans in mind she hasn't shared?")
4) With the divorce paperwork going back and forth via email (thanks again for the great advice) I've become more succinct. While I make sure to clarify that I'm not passing any judgment, I'm also not holding back (much) from the facts. I have my needs, she has hers, it's up to her to manage hers, me to manage mine

So, good couple of days. I know that it's a roller coaster but it's good to recognize the positive (or less negative, as the case may be). Still is not great to see her at work, though. I don't get angry or sad, more just not sure how to interact. Walked past her as I left the office today, she had her back to me and was talking to her boss (who I've met). I nodded and smiled at him, he gave me sort of a strained half smile, and I walked right on. I'd be lying if I didn't strain to see her as she drove away (I didn't end up seeing her...) so I'm not fully detached or whatever. In a perfect world I wouldn't see her at all to be honest but we are where we are.