Hi LH19. I'm not sure I'm in a position to set boundaries regarding access to the house, as we both own the house 50/50. As far as "having other plans", I can certainly do that once or twice a week, but what about the other 5 days? I guess I'm just getting stuck on the practical aspects of being "scarce" in my own home.
You can only do fun things one or two days a week? Cmon. Your lady moved out but wants to come back for a little dose of you as she sees fit, but you can't get out and enjoy life? What is stopping you, seriously? What things are preventing this?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
DBX, I was in a similar sitch. W was staying in another room of the house, absolutely certain she was going to divorce me, but was happy to make dinner for the two of us, watch TV together, I cleaned up. No arguments, no anger. Maybe not as many conversations as you. Two questions I had to answer were: 1) is she being my lover and partner, or is she being a friend? 2) what do I want?
For me, this was absolute friendzone, maybe a bit of her using me, too (we also maintained the illusion of family for our daughter, giving W more time and more control over the relationship). As to the second question, I want a wife, not a friend. So, I stopped being her friend. It's been a challenge to balance because I naturally like people and want to be around them. I had to force myself to limit myself to being cordial, not sharing too much. What I'll tell you specifically is that you need to GAL and do 180s. Go ahead and make dinner, but bring it to a friend's house. Or make it for yourself, not her. Eat early, eat late, whatever, but you aren't her cook. Maybe have people over. Whatever it is, do what you enjoy, and do new things.
Final thought: if you keep doing what you've always done, you can't expect a different result. Whatever narrative your W has for you, you are confirming it every time you do what you've done before. I can't tell you what the right answer is but I can tell you the wrong one: doing what you've done before.
Wouldn't it be better to be friendly and available with her so that she can see that I'm not the monster her wayward mind has suddenly framed me to be, and so that I can compare favorably to the OM? I feel like being scarce would just affirm her current thoughts about my being selfish and neglectful.
You won't compare favorably to the OM. OM = Fantasy. You can't compete with a fantasy. Do some research and googling on limerence affairs. It hurts, but the sooner you understand and accept what is happening, the better you will be able to respond.
The fantasy needs to break. It needs time. Part of her fantasy is that you will still be around for her needs - take that away. Then give the OM time to show his imperfections. Then give the A time to develop cracks. Live your life while that happens.
You can't compete anyways as a man desperately pursuing a woman who doesn't want him. You can compete eventually as strong, independent Dbx80 who knows he deserves better than her and is moving on with his life. You are awesome and are going to kick butt at life with or without her.
I do wonder though: everyone on here seems so sure of themselves about what I should be doing. How many of you have actually reconciled with your spouses, and are now happily married?
I'm reconciled with my W. We are working on our M daily. So happily, I won't say that, I would say we are both working hard to make each other feel safe.
But there are no guarantees, we still have our arguments and disagreements. But now, after an, (let me say disagreement) we listen to each other.
Onward and upward
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Hi Dbx80, my partner and I are on better terms than ever. Note, my situation involved no EAs or PAs and we're only 2 yrs in--hence my advice being limited to, being slow to speak, and slow to make big decisions! I was in a 10 year relationship before that and was the WAS in that marriage.
Like you, I've been accused of being controlling. Truth! My partner was sometimes controlling, too. I'm now more cognizant of controlling behavior and quick to say, "I control me, you control you."
I'm also better at listening/validating and expressing my feelings in a healthy way.
Lately, she has been coming over for dinner pretty consistently almost every night. What am I supposed to do? I can't just leave my house every time she shows up. Am I supposed to go hide in the bedroom while she's in the kitchen eating her dinner? That doesn't seem like an attractive thing to do. Help?
Are you inviting her over for dinner? If not, how does she let you know she's coming? Is she doing her laundry there, and manages to be there at dinner time? If the latter is the case, then you might get dressed to go out and then tell her that you previously made plans for that night.
What's attractive to the W that has left her H and is currently in an EA, may not look so attractive to the LBH. FWIW, I don't advocate that the LBH hide from his W.
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Now, I admit our marriage was not perfect, and I certainly was not perfect. But now she says the last 13 years of being together were hell for her because I was too controlling and selfish. I was not aware she felt this way, and I told her that these are things we can work on, if only we both commit to working on them.
Does she mean you are too controlling and selfish with just her? Would you be willing to work on "too controlling and selfish" without her commitment? I mean, just do it b/c it would be a more attractive version of you?
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My question is: How do I proceed with this situation?
First step, IMHO, is to become informed. You start by reading the links on Cadet's post. This will arm you with effective DBing methods. Next, start going out and getting a life that does not include your W. Start filling in the calendar dates with plans. Learn to be a bit more private when interacting with your W, and not give away your information. The point is to create a more interesting, even mysterious man. Don't try to impress her, and don't pursue. Don't discuss with her anything we tell you, unless we specifically suggest saying certain things.
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Should I do the LRT? Or just the regular non-LRT stuff in the book The Divorce Remedy?
Well, whenever a spouse has dropped the bomb, moved out, and is in some type of an affair........I think the LRT is in order. However, I'm not sure you are currently ready to proceed with the LRT. Call it female intuition, or b.s. I feel you really want to find a softer approach.
Let me ask you a question. If you discover that her EA has turned PA, will that be a deal breaker for you?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi sandi. Thanks for your response. To answer your questions:
I’m not inviting her over for dinner. She just shows up to eat dinner whenever she pleases. It’s her house too, although right now she’s living in a hotel. So I cannot really just lock her out of the house. She has her own key. And yes, she also comes by the house to do laundry and to play with the dogs. And I promise I won’t hide from her!
I’m assuming she was saying that I was too controlling and selfish in our relationship. I have copped to it though, and I can see how she would think I was selfish and controlling. So that is certainly I’m working on, and I believe this was a “wake up” call for me in that respect.
You say that the point is to “create a more interesting, even mysterious man.” I totally get that, but sometimes I feel like I should take a “softer approach” as you call it, and I try to be there for her and be happy and friendly so that she associates good feelings with me. I know this is not what your rules advocate, but it’s how I’m wired, I guess.
If I discover that her EA has turned into a PA, that would likely be a dealbreaker for me. The EA partner lives 1000 miles away, so it’s unlikely to turn into a PA anytime soon.
If I discover that her EA has turned into a PA, that would likely be a dealbreaker for me. The EA partner lives 1000 miles away, so it’s unlikely to turn into a PA anytime soon.
Hi Dbx80, she's in a hotel room even though she doesn't mind seeing you nearly everyday, she says it's okay for you to date (which implies the same for her), and 1000 miles is only a weekend flight away. You know your wife, but to an outsider, your situation sounds perilously close to a PA.
I hope it doesn't come to that, of course. She did say dating's okay "as long as it's not physical", which implies she realizes getting physical crosses a significant line in the sand.
