Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 3

[ovrrnbw]

Dan,

I get a theme in your postings. It should be clear to you by now that pursuit is not working.

You're ok with being friends with her? Really? Why? I'm pulling out the little hairs on my buzzed head right now!!!

You are shielding her from the consequences of her choices. Let her do her work and leave her to it. Stop helping her.

You are 100% that there is no affair. But 99% of the sitches here have them.

And for God sakes stop taking the blame of infidelity for watching porn. That's not infidelity but messaging the women and paying for pictures is. Own your crap and nothing more.

I really think it's time for you to spit on your hands and hoist the black flag here (Mencken reference). Stop being her helper. Start being a man of action. Stop pursuing. Get a life. Hit the gym hard. Find more things you are passionate about. Buy into being a man. That link R2C gave you above is gold!!!!!

[DaB35]

I do feel though that I am not pursuing - well I certainly don't FEEL like I am as much now, at least.

I am coping better with not talking to her, and not reaching out. Only responding when she contacts me (and even then I deliberately wait several hours to respond). My emails to her are polite, short, but business-like now. I don't tend to text her now.

I do own what I did. I'm not in denial that I hurt her, and did things I shouldn't have done. I felt guilt and remorse for the distress it caused her, wished I'd sorted it our sooner.
But I have accepted and acknowledged my actions. That's the past. I'm in the present now and sorting everything out for myself (IC, etc.).
I've decided I'm not going to let it get me down during my GALing.

I don't feel I'm helping her that much - certainly not as much as I did when we were together anyway.

There are lots of things that she will struggle with, and I know that. I don't intend to assist in any way with those, as it's her decision to do those things and make her life more complicated.

I could spend hours at home every day worrying about what she's thinking or saying to her family, siblings, friends, work colleagues about me behind my back. But I am not. That is a complete waste of my energy, not productive, and won't improve the situation. I have decided not to be affected by it. I AM a good person, and feel a lot lighter now I've been on my own for these 4 months.

My plan on Sunday: clean car, new clothes, cologne on, positive, 'act as if', confident, lots of good news to fire off if she asks. No intention of discussing R. Decide on selling agent together. Tell her to contact them directly to confirm, as it's her project.
Get my mail and parcels, plus take some instruments out the garage as I need them for some gigs I've got soon. Leave. I intend on being there less than an hour, if that. I've made plans for the evening so I have an excuse to not hang around.

[DaB35]

One thing I've forgotten to mention is that the last time I saw her (17 August), she took a cheeky jab at me.
Somehow we got on to the idea of me meeting someone else in future, and she said, "Well when you meet someone else, hopefully you won't be as horrible to her, and then you can...[rest of conversation]." Or words to that effect anyway.

I didn't pick her up on it, and instead let it slide as I couldn't be bothered to argue, but did give her a look of "that was unnecessary."

If she says something similar on Sunday, I was going to establish a boundary (is that the right term?) and simply say, "we're here to discuss the house and I'm here to collect my mail. That comment is not necessary and uncalled for." Advisable? Or is that too aggressive?

I'm finding myself not feeling as sad about the house as much. It's a shame but as someone else said here earlier, it's the reality of her decision.

Nice week so far. Had dinner out with best mate yesterday, and got a work night out today. Plans for Saturday as well.
Being productive. Bought some new clothes this week too. Also finished one of my arranging projects, and have contacted my publisher - they're interested in it, so that's another positive thing. Been booked for about 6 or 7 gigs in October-November alone - so should be earning nearly £900 in total in just over 2 months!

GAL is definitely happening.

[unchien]

One thing I've forgotten to mention is that the last time I saw her (17 August), she took a cheeky jab at me.
Somehow we got on to the idea of me meeting someone else in future, and she said, "Well when you meet someone else, hopefully you won't be as horrible to her, and then you can...[rest of conversation]." Or words to that effect anyway.

I didn't pick her up on it, and instead let it slide as I couldn't be bothered to argue, but did give her a look of "that was unnecessary."

If she says something similar on Sunday, I was going to establish a boundary (is that the right term?) and simply say, "we're here to discuss the house and I'm here to collect my mail. That comment is not necessary and uncalled for." Advisable? Or is that too aggressive?

Validate. Don't get defensive. WAS's are incredibly skilled at jabbing where it hurts the most.

W: "blah blah hopefully you won't be as horrible to her blah blah"
Dan: "You are saying I was horrible to you."
W: "Yes! What? You don't think you were horrible to me?"
Dan: "It sounds like that felt really awful and upsetting. Can we please discuss the house now?"

Also, saying "That comment is not necessary" is not a boundary. A boundary would be saying, "If you continue to talk to me in that manner, I will cut off our conversation and leave." Then next time she does it you follow through.

You can't control other people, you can only set boundaries on what you will and will not accept, and take actions to show that the boundary is really there (and not an empty NG threat).

[DaB35]

Thank you unchien for clarifying. That's really helpful.

Guess it's about me just being confident to take charge of the conversation as necessary, and not let it descend into her telling me how upset she is. We both know already.

Whilst I am intending to be positive when I see her, how much 'as if' do I give off? Literally acting as though I'm over her completely and loving life? Or simply happy and contented with how things have been going? At the back of my mind I'm thinking if I am too confident she'll think "oh he's over me. I obviously didn't mean much to him then." Or is that the NGS talking?!

[unchien]

You can't control how she reacts to anything you do or say.

NGS will have you changing your words and actions in an attempt to get a certain reaction. You have zero control. Zero. Keep telling yourself that.

For awhile, you can probably expect no matter what you do it will be interpreted as a sign you are the devil incarnate. Maybe it will soften over time, maybe not. You can't control it.

Because this is hard to do early on, we advise PMA and GAL and sort of a "fake it til you make it" attitude. Be friendly, cordial, but detached. Eventually it becomes your natural MO.

If you are worried about descending into a negative R talk, prepare for a short validation and then redirect or walk away. You don't have to sit and validate her pounding away at you repeatedly.

[Traveler]

Guess it's about me just being confident to take charge of the conversation as necessary, and not let it descend into her telling me how upset she is. We both know already.

Hi Dan,

Rather, accept you don’t control whether she goes positive or goes negative. If she’s upset, it’s unlikely there’s anything you can do to wave it away, but validating and empathizing typically makes us feel understood, connected, and not alone. Note, validation doesn’t imply agreement with her.

[DaB35]

That's helpful too CW, thank you.

One other thing on my mind - we'll decide on an agent and discuss the costs etc. I have a strong feeling that she will then expect ME to contact the chosen agent and organise stuff to get things in motion re selling the house.

I see two views on this when I've mentioned this before:

1 - I do the work in starting the ball rolling on the sale. This shows leadership qualities and shows I'm co-operating. However, the downside is that it looks like I also want out of the M as quickly as possible, or don't care enough, or want to get away from her as fast as possible.

2- I suggest SHE gets the ball rolling instead - the reasons being that (a) she is living there, (b) the agents are closer to the house, not where I am at my parents' house, and (c) it's her choice to sell and D.
However, does that look like I'm neglecting responsibility and also appear weak? If I suggest it, I don't know how she'll react - in agreement/neutral or very negative. Should I point out that since she is the one who suggested it, she should do the work?

I am nervous I admit, but I will adopt the 'fake it til you make it' attitude cited above. I have a lot of good things I reel off if she asks.

I assume I need to portray myself as AMOAFWL as much as possible...?

[ovrrnbw]

Dan,

quit overthinking things. You need to toughen up. That was the point of my Mencken quote from the other day. You need to get an edge to you. I'm not saying to be disrespectful, but women are attracted to men with an edge.

You can show leadership in a way other than facilitating a divorce you don't want. I would let her pick the agent and stay out of it. It's not hard and she's a big girl. If she wants to be single she can figure it the hell out. Just tell her that she can handle the home sale and leave it at that. If she presses further you say "I thought this is what you wanted". And then say no more. End of conversation, you have somewhere to be and something to do.

[DaB35]

OK - so more of a tough love stance with her then? In other words, don't be harsh or nasty, but just firm, assertive but not controlling. Is that right?

That is very out of character for me, so it'll be a very obvious 180 and will probably catch her off guard. Do I need to worry about her perhaps thinking that I'm being deliberately 'closed' on everything? Or just not worry, be the alpha and just let her like it or lump it?!