and doing all you can at this point continue to take good care of you-heal go to individual counseling if you can also with a diffeent therapist one who can support your stand-
Focus as you are on your healing and building a relationship with your 10 year old-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Usually we recommend that you set up your own bank accounts and credit cards. Why? Because the spouses, in many instances, will spend like crazy or take all of the money and run. You do not want to be paying the credit bills for someone else. You can always move half of the funds from the joint accounts to a new one in your name only and then advise the bank that you want your name removed from the old account. As for the credit cards, if you have a balance, call the credit card company and ask that the balance me moved to a new account and then close out the old one...of course, you would need to say that the card has been misplaced, etc. That is what Visa advised me to do many years ago. Of course, procedures may have changed since 2000 and you can now just have your name removed from the account...but I would call the credit card company and ask them what is the best way to handle the account.
As for the wedding ring...that is a personal decision and you have to decide whether or not to wear it. Each person is different, i.e., some continue to wear it and others don't.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
What are everyone’s thoughts on forcing the issue by filing for a D? While it’s not what I want, I have come to grips with it, should it come to pass. MLCW needs to feel the loss, I am convinced of that. Right now, we are semi-separated, and in MC. Communications are limited, but cordial. Neither one of us are screamers, never have been. S18 and S10 will be impacted, whether we pursue D or keep this current arrangement in place. Anyway, that’s today’s stream of consciousness.
While it’s not what I want, I have come to grips with it, should it come to pass.
That is a good place to be.
You don’t want it, so don’t force the issue. Let her do the heavy lifting. You’ll know when you’ve had enough.
Unless you need to divorce for reasons like financial security and protection, abuse, etc... let it be.
You are in MC, with cordial communications, not much need in D right now. Yes, W probably needs to feel a loss, which she might be (one can’t really tell). However, pushing for a divorce to help her with feeling more of a loss is manipulating her journey, and your’s.
Separate accounts and ensuring your’s and kids’ financial future is highly recommended. Or at least keep careful watch of things and be ready. Credit cards, overdraft, loan, etc... are other areas of concern. You don’t want to owe half of her spending.
When I tried to take W off the credit card I couldn’t - we both were co-card holders. I had to pay the entire balance, close the account, and apply for a new card.
The wedding ring, as most things are - do it for you. On or off, may or may not affect W. This is about you. Do you want to wear it?
For me, I really wanted to wear it, and I put it away. I’ve never really worn it since she left. I’ve tried it on a few times, still looks great, eleven diamonds and gold all sparkling. And I’ve carried it in my shirt pocket next to my heart, during S17’s graduation pictures - a time when XW, I, and the kids were poising as a family.
If pushed for an answer I’d lean towards not wearing your ring. Some do wear it on the other hand, or on a chain. I do like the symbol of the ring, and the symbol of it’s absence. Embracing one’s life accurately. Of course, that’s me.
Not too worry, you’ve got time, don’t have to decide today.
DnJ
Last edited by job; 09/09/1902:48 AM. Reason: editorial request by DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I apologize for getting mixed up. I was pulled away a few times while writing - S21 and university stuff. My goodness I’m embarrassed. Maybe job will be a dear and correct my incorrect pronouns.
Your posting are clear. It is I who just messed up.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
What are everyone's thoughts on things like closing out joint bank accounts, credit cards, etc? Not wearing my wedding ring?
Re rings, from a female prospective. Do what feels right. You can always say it doesn't fit right (too big/small) if someone questions it, and you're not sure how to answer. I'm in between with the ring. For me, it's a symbol of what I want. Most times I wear my band. I'm always taking it off to do things too. I don't wear my engagement ring as much. I've been wearing a different ring that I bought. It's $10, tarnished and says LOVE. But I do switch to the bling ring for appearances...lol.. but really, do what feels right. My mlcH hasn't worn his in a while. Only when I asked/reminded him, like anniversary. "It's too tight!" It hurt to see him no wear it. Now it has a whole new hurt feeling.
And what about family pictures? Gosh I've taken them down and put them up etc etc... leaving them up for my kid.
I'm with you on letting the one in mlc do the "work". You do you.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Second MC session coming up next week. My goal is to mainly actively listen and validate. I have no idea what W will want to say. We are separated but always cordial. I’ve been working on detaching, I guess we will see how that’s working. Thoughts/suggestions?
Second MC session coming up next week. My goal is to mainly actively listen and validate. I have no idea what W will want to say. We are separated but always cordial. I’ve been working on detaching, I guess we will see how that’s working. Thoughts/suggestions?
Sounds like you're ready for round two. How did your first session go? I think that's great you're both going. I don’t recall, who's idea was it for MC? I'm new to this myself. Learning along the way. Hope it goes well.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
