Last resort technique?

[Jac12]

Make plans when she wants to come for dinner or go out with you for dinner.

Or just start saying "no thanks, I don't want to have dinner with you while you're with OM".

You're not so sure because you want to believe she's having second thoughts. IF she wanted to work on the marriage you would know.

Listen man, my W said all sorts of positive things that I took to heart and I believed she was reconsidering. However, there still wasn't any physical affection from her and here we are now going through a separation agreement with our lawyers. When I look back, she really didn't give me any indication that she was interested in a R with me.

Don't be her puppy dog.

[AnotherStander]

I supposed if she breaks the boundary, I would tell her no more dinners together until she completely stops all communication with the OM.

Don't negotiate with a WAS. ^^^THIS should be your statement to her. Just tell her no more dinners, no texting, no phone calls, no happy little conversations, because you will NOT be involved in a relationship any longer with a cheater. PERIOD. You're trying to be nice, but you can't "nice" her back.

And it’s hard to deny her because she’s the love of my life. What can I say?

Like so many other LBS's that find themselves here, you are tricking yourself into thinking she is some kind of soulmate, the only person that can ever make you happy. It's simply not true. It's a big world out there full of amazing women. Your W may have been great for you at some point but not anymore. Who wants to be married to a lying cheater. The sooner you accept that your old W is gone, the sooner you can go about the business of really detaching. And when you well and truly detach, THEN she may learn what she's losing and regret her actions.

Also, sometimes I feel like instead of “cake-eating”, she may be genuinely trying to test the waters with me to see if our relationship is worth another shot. I know you say it’s “cake-eating”, but sometimes I’m not so sure. At least, this is what goes through my mind.

She's not ever going to learn to miss you if you are around all the time and doing stuff with her. Tough love is the only approach that works with cheaters, but it is the approach that 99% of LBS's don't have the intestinal fortitude to see through.

[ovrrnbw]

DBX,

the whole reason she comes over for dinner is b/c it beats take out and sitting in a hotel. I said that last week. It's the most obvious.

What if I were to tell her that as a new rule during our “break”, we cannot have dinner together unless she has stopped communicating with the OM for X number of days (let’s just say, 3 days)

Totally unenforceable. She's going to lie to you and not provide any way to prove what she is saying is true. Don't do it.

Right now, it’s just an EA

Believe nothing you hear!!! You don't know this!!!

[SoTorn]

Its not just an EA. Sorry but don't try and convince yourself of this. She is cake eating. Have some respect for yourself. Love yourself and understand that you deserve so much better.

Like said above, there are many many many fabulous women on this planet of which many would love to trest you like a king. I met one after I dropped the rope and she is a wonderful woman who shows me she wants me. I have honestly never felt so desired in my entire life. You deserve the same.

[DBX80]

Thanks AnotherStander.

So are you saying I should literally tell her "no more dinners, no texting, no phone calls, no happy little conversations, because I will NOT be involved in a relationship any longer with a cheater." Am I supposed to explicitly say this to her, in no uncertain terms?

If so, won't she just run straight to the OM?

When I told her to stop talking to the OM before, she said it was important for her to make that decision herself (instead of being pressured into it).

[LH19]

DB,

Yes exactly! The difference is you are not telling her what to do, you are telling her what YOU won’t tolerate. Do you see the difference? It shows strength. She’ll be pissed but she will respect you. Respect = attraction.

How will that make her run to OM? She’s already with him.

[DBX80]

DB,

Yes exactly! The difference is you are not telling her what to do, you are telling her what YOU won’t tolerate. Do you see the difference? It shows strength. She’ll be pissed but she will respect you. Respect = attraction.

How will that make her run to OM? She’s already with him.

Thanks LH19.

I meant to say, won't she just end up spending more and more time with OM (since she can't spend that time with me anymore), and therefore become much closer to him?

[Traveler]

Hi Dbx80, I won't tell you whether to date your wife while she dates others or NOT date your wife while she dates others. I have no insights there, but I have insights on another matter you raised!

When I told her to stop talking to the OM before, she said it was important for her to make that decision herself (instead of being pressured into it).

Google the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum. An ultimatum attempts to control and pressure another person. "You better stop talking to him.. or else I won't have dinner with you!" A boundary only controls you, it limits what you'll accept. "I love you but I won't do an open relationship--I must decline dinner." In either case she may get angry. People usually are the first time you enforce boundaries. If you choose this path it may be worth considering some responses you predict and how you might respond.

I will NOT be involved in a relationship any longer with a cheater.

You could probably set the boundary without calling her names.

I don't think labeling her is essential to your point.

[Choco44]

Your situation seems very close to mine right now except I’m the wife. He’s in the spare bedroom, we’re pretending for the kids, he doesn’t want to be married any more but he wants to walk the dogs together every night and have a nice chat. I don’t know whether I should still be making him dinner or doing his d@mn laundry!
What happened in your situation? I’m only 2 weeks in.

[LH19]

You are not in a competition with the OM. Plus if he lives 1,000 miles away he can’t see her that often.

The point is the statement. I love and respect myself too much to share you with another man.

To simplify the boundary:

W I will not live in an open marriage.