U, Fade raises some very good points and you need to think hard about what is written in that post. To add a few more things:
Originally Posted by fade
And, to any outside observer or judge, you are the bad husband and dad who left them and didn't bother to see them more than every other weekend.
To add to what Fade said, one thing I have cautioned you in the past is that the longer you let this go, the more the kids get adjusted to this new routine. If you suddenly want to move them to a 50/50 custody after 2 years, are you not concerned this will be disruptive to their established routines and lives? At that point can you justify that your need for 50/50 custody is in the best interest of the kids and not just a selfish need for you to see your kids more?
Originally Posted by fade
You are fixated on her feelings, her apparent fear, but it is your fear that is the problem here. Those are your kids in your house - why cant you drive over and give them a hug? What is stopping you other than your own fear?
From what I see, your NGS is still very strong. You worry more about what your wife will think rather than speaking up for your (and kids) best interest. Also, you are you are "planning" for a perfect future with 50/50 custody of the kids, great co-parenting with your W etc. when the foundation for all that is rapidly eroding away in the current time while you focus on the future 2-3 years from now.
Originally Posted by fade
She has every reason to fight to maintain this situation forever.
I don't even see her fighting to maintain this. You are effectively just following her rules and not even putting up a proper fight.
Thank you all for the hard advice. I am on mobile and will respond later with more thoroughness.
My preference is to bring this up in our next MC which is unfortunately not until mid October. I want to tell my W this is not working for me - the custody and the finances. Is it a mistake to avoid confronting her until MC? I know I shouldn’t fear her but she will absolutely flip out if I do this outside of MC. I guess that’s her problem though right? Alternatively I could move up the appointment to an earlier date?
U - you are in a tough spot. You made the best decisions you could for yourself at a time when everything was going upside down. Some of those decisions are having their ramifications now - moving out, for instance.
How you choose to deal with these decisions is up to you, but the other posters are not wrong when they say that it will not change to your benefit unless you make that happen.
Thank you all for the hard advice. I am on mobile and will respond later with more thoroughness.
My preference is to bring this up in our next MC which is unfortunately not until mid October. I want to tell my W this is not working for me - the custody and the finances. Is it a mistake to avoid confronting her until MC? I know I shouldn’t fear her but she will absolutely flip out if I do this outside of MC. I guess that’s her problem though right? Alternatively I could move up the appointment to an earlier date?
This is exactly the opposite of what you should do - fear driven avoidance. What you do with your life is up to you, but I think that at every single decision you have made up to this point, you have taken the absolutely worst option. So you need to learn to question and overcome your instincts.
I think you need to step back, don't think about your wife, think about yourself. Imagine your worst possible outcome 5 years from now. Maybe this is that is you are an every other weekend babysitter, your ex lives off of 60% of your paycheck with an unemployed guy with neck tattoos, and your kids call him dad. We will call that outcome 1. Now think of an alternative outcome 2- you are divorced, you have 50-50 custody, you pay her reasonable amount of child support but you can afford to do fun things, and you have a cute girlfriend who is absolutely smitten with you. Now think of outcome 3: you reconcile with your wife.
Now, ignore outcome 3 because there is absolutely nothing that you can do to make that happen, that is not a choice.
Your Choice is literally between outcomes 1 or 2. These are your options. Right now you are actively choosing Option 1 based on your actions. If you want to, you can change your track and choose Option 2. The steps are easy - don't go to MC, retain a lawyer, instruct them to file for divorce or legal separation with 50-50 custody, fixed period of spousal support, and force the sale of the house, and communicate with your waw solely through email, cc'ing your lawyer.
Now, after you have thought all this through, you can give yourself permission to briefly think about the options facing your wife and what is driving her decision. Right now her choice is between Option 1 and Option 3. You are handing Option 1 to her and right now it looks way better than Option 3. Now, if you take away option 1 and instead give her the choice of Option 2 versus Option 3, well, then her choices will probably start to look different.
(PS I don't for a second buy her story that she is scared of you, I have seen that story over and over again - most of the guys I see have heard this story and often there is a visit from the cops and restraining order to go along with it. Meanwhile their waw or ww is yucking it up with their friends or OM. The common denominator in these cases is a submissive or nice guy husband, and a waw who figured out this is the best method to control them. I would suggest you never acknowledge anything she says on this subject)
U, you're getting some very tough but accurate advice. I know this is difficult for you, it is so much easier to maintain status quo and try to keep the peace. But what the others are telling you is true- if and when you end up in court the court will look at the current arrangement and be inclined to make that permanent. It is EXTREMELY difficult to argue for more custody if you've been accepting minimal custody for a long period of time, regardless of the reason. We always say here to stand for your M as much as you can, but fighting for custody of your kids is more important. If you don't have an L then get one. Talk to him/ her about how to rectify this situation through legal channels. Then talk to your W, demand more custody, put her on notice you'll pursue legal action if you don't get it and that you've already taken steps to put it in motion if needed. Will that make her mad? It doesn't matter because right now she's wired to hate you and everything you do. So quit thinking in terms of how to placate her (you can't anyway) and start thinking in terms of what is best for you and your kids. Be strong, you can do this!
My preference is to bring this up in our next MC which is unfortunately not until mid October. I want to tell my W this is not working for me - the custody and the finances. Is it a mistake to avoid confronting her until MC? I know I shouldn’t fear her but she will absolutely flip out if I do this outside of MC. I guess that’s her problem though right? Alternatively I could move up the appointment to an earlier date?
If you are more comfortable bringing this up in MC, then that is fine. However, in the meantime you should probably plan for what you will do if you cannot reach an agreement. One thing you need to ask yourself is at what point you think it is justified for you to retain a lawyer and start fighting for your rights. That being said, standing up for yourself is the first step.
Thank you so much for your advice last week. I did read it immediately, and took everything to heart. I have taken a break from the forums, both posting and reading, and I think it has done me some good.
I am going to try to keep this post short, because I don't have much emotional energy right now.
In short, W and I agreed to proceed with filing for D.
We had a follow-up with the financial advisor 2 days ago. She walked us through the numbers -- what the state calculator suggests I would owe in support, how much we are overspending right now. It was not a pretty picture but I expected it. It was clear we could not keep going in separation long-term without spending away our savings.
Afterwards my W asked if I wanted to join her for lunch. I said yes.
I can't run down the whole conversation, it is too long and I'm worn out. But in short, she asked me honestly if I had romantic feelings for her anymore. And I said no. And it was the truth. After the last year plus of feeling so unsupported, sometimes accused, mistrusted... I don't have romantic feelings for her. That's not to say they could never be rekindled I guess, but that's beside the point. I said I would have liked to work on things. She told me she fell out of love with me 14 months ago, after an argument we had where she ended up bawling in the bathroom. This was before MC1. I will never understand why she didn't just tell me, or why she didn't work on things harder in MC1 (rather than just ask me to do more chores). I know I know... it is how these things go. She said she was waiting for me to "win her back." I thought this was odd, that relationships are 2-way streets, and I tried in my own way to win her back. I don't know what she wanted. Our relocation to this new area 2 years ago precipitated every thing, our problems go back to before the move, and the stress involved in making that decision. She clearly has some resentment. I can't change her feelings. It is what it is.
So we're planning to go ahead with filing, and try at the start at least to work out what we can without lawyers.
She asked me if I would move back to where her family lives. I said no. I have no job opportunities there. She asked if she could move there with the kids, and fly them up to see me, and I said no.
She said she consulted a lawyer at one point, and it sounded like this person advised her she could go to court and press things hard (probably with my apology letters) and maybe get her way on moving. But she didn't want to do that.
She was crying a lot, and when we walked back to our cars she grabbed my arm and held on tight. I felt numb. Maybe from shock.
It's all a big mess right now, but we are going to proceed and try to at least talk amicably up front about what we want and make some decisions. I know she prefers to stay in the marital house, but it will have to sell. She saw the numbers. I mentioned an area that would be a longer commute for me, but a great place to raise kids and much more affordable (we live in one of the most expensive areas of the country). It might be better. I didn't promise I would move there. But I'm pretty sure it would be better than living in the expensive area of town. My support payment is eye poppingly large, and I will probably have to move to a less expensive rental. Maybe a 2 BR where the 3 kids share a room for a couple years. I don't know. It's going to be a huge change.
I also mentioned I would want 50/50 custody eventually. She said she might be okay with that if she could pick up the kids from school, etc. on my days when I'm at work.
I know I may need to retain a lawyer at some point, if only for simple guidance on the details. I'm not going to be hasty. If we split the assets, and agree on support payment in line with the state guidance, and the custody plan can be worked out to trend to 50/50 in a couple years, I don't see what else I need. Maybe I am naive.
I also don't know how much we can bang out without lawyers. I know I am conflict avoidant and may cave on details. It concerns me, but at least I am aware. I have one dominant priority - what's best for the kids. Right now 50-50 is not best. I'm trying to figure in my head exactly what I want, and what is best for them developmentally.
I think my W kind of choreographed the last year of our lives, got scared about exiting the marriage and how I would react. It could have been avoided, but in the process I found this place and have grown so much. Although our talk the other day didn't affect me much, the day after it hit me hard. It's a gut punch. I realized I was emotionally abandoned for over a year. But I've been through it before and I know I can get through this now. I have so many people here to thank for that, I don't know how I would have gotten to the positive state of mind I have right now. I am certainly struggling, and grieving what could have been, and wondering how it all went wrong, but I know I have to focus on me, focus on the kids, focus on standing up for myself.
A few hours after this, I had my Monday dinner with the kids that I negotiated. I brought them to my house and we ordered pizza. I played cards with my son, built Lego's with D5, and played a game with D3. It was the best 3 hours of my week. They were all so engaged and happy to be here, I could tell. I can't wait for Friday when I have them for 4 days (including a school holiday on Monday).
Sorry for the disjointed post. I'm sure I'll be back in a few days to post more, for now I need a break. Apologies also to the other regulars whose threads I usually comment on -- I'm sure I'll be back more frequently once things settle a bit.
In short, W and I agreed to proceed with filing for D.
I'm so sorry to hear that U. That really [censored], I know none of this is what you wanted. No advice here, you've been through enough for now - just take care of yourself and your kids. Enjoy your time with them and live in the moment.
Originally Posted by Unchien
Sorry for the disjointed post. I'm sure I'll be back in a few days to post more, for now I need a break. Apologies also to the other regulars whose threads I usually comment on -- I'm sure I'll be back more frequently once things settle a bit.
Take your time, do what you need to do. We will be here when things settle.
I am really sorry to hear your update. I know that [censored] but in a way I wonder if you don't feel some relief? I know I did when my ex told me she would file.
I would caution you to not believe her time line on when she "fell out of love with you". It was most likely that she was planning her escape for years. That is why she put in no effort in MC because she had already checked out. I read once that 80% of couples who attend MC attend to late once at least one has already checked out.
Trust me that there is a high probability that years down the road she is more then likely going to wish she would have tried harder to save the marriage. I think she is really going to struggle with three young kids.
The last thing I want to say is I would not except anything less then 50/50 right away. You have son/s so it's important for them to have their father as much as possible. I don't care if you need to move next door to your W. Don't settle for less!
I know your hurting now but I promise you it does get better and you are a man who takes self improvement serious and will come out of this a better and stronger person.
