Wolf why didn't you tell us she was premenopausal that changes everything.
Well actually it doesn't change anything. You still think this is like some kind of riddle where if you say the right thing a light bulb will go off in her head and she will change her mind. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.
Wolf I definitely agree with LH, I get the impression like he does that you are scrambling to find "the golden answer" to why you are here. And if you can crack the code and find the answer, then you can flip a switch and put everything back to normal. But the truth is you will never know what sent her on this path, because she doesn't even know. Menopause, depression, anxiety, medication, tired of being married, tired of dealing with your health issues, fantasizing about someone else, etc. etc. you simply don't know and you never will. I know it's hard to LET GO but that is the only path to saving yourself, and then maybe your M. You simply cannot go spinning all these scenarios every time she walks in with a new bandage on!
I am in denial about the d. I still can’t believe I am getting d. I’m stuck and I am trying real hard to unstick myself. I am the opposite of my w, I think of all the good times and vacations while she thinks of all the bad. Obviously we are in 2 very different places
Mate, I feel your continued pain, and denial, and search for answers. Does it feel like you are under her 'spell' still? It still kind of feels that way for me, but its a lot less strong now. Are you getting IC? If not, this will help, but make sure you get an appropriate therapist. They can help you in distilling what it is in your subconscious that causes you to keep hitting the replay button.
Until you become detached and indifferent, I think you need to try and block from your mind all the good memories. I had to, and I think we have similar minds. Sometimes it gets through, but just keep blocking til you get help to deal with it more subconsciously.
Don't ask her about anything, including bandages, injuries etc. Absolutely resist the temptation. My XW came back from holiday recently with a huge infected pusball on her chin. I said nothing, and didn't even look. She volunteered what happened, and all I said was 'hope it gets better soon' - DILLIGAF.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
[quote=Wolfman]I read about women going through peri-menopause can experience major hormonal changes that can alter the way they act and feel.
I'm convinced it played a huge part in my situation, and I also don't think it's a coincidence that so many WAW's and WW's are in their 40's and 50's. But the real question is how does it impact your approach, and the answer is it doesn't. You DB whether that's a factor or not.
Nail on head guys. For about a year before BD, my XW would regularly say she thinks menopause would come on soon. I was supportive in her concerns back then. A few months after BD, she told me about being in first throes of MP, changes in her cycle etc. You know what I said - 'hope you'll be ok' then I walked off.
I agree with LH19 in that you need to get your own haven. I don't know how you've lasted this long being under the same roof.
Stay strong Wolf, and good luck mate!
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Wolf why didn't you tell us she was premenopausal that changes everything.
Well actually it doesn't change anything. You still think this is like some kind of riddle where if you say the right thing a light bulb will go off in her head and she will change her mind. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.
Wolf I definitely agree with LH, I get the impression like he does that you are scrambling to find "the golden answer" to why you are here. And if you can crack the code and find the answer, then you can flip a switch and put everything back to normal. But the truth is you will never know what sent her on this path, because she doesn't even know. Menopause, depression, anxiety, medication, tired of being married, tired of dealing with your health issues, fantasizing about someone else, etc. etc. you simply don't know and you never will. I know it's hard to LET GO but that is the only path to saving yourself, and then maybe your M. You simply cannot go spinning all these scenarios every time she walks in with a new bandage on!
I agree. You Both are right. I have been for a long time trying to find the problem so I could solve this problem. But being on here is teaching me there is nothing I can do. Regardless of the problem. You are both right that I was hoping to figure it out and flip the switch to make her come back. I am learning from this board that does not happen. It’s a hard pill to swallow but swallow it I must.
DS you are right I need to become more detached. This is a very slow process for me. Also you are right about the memories, I need to stop thinking of the good times, it only sets me back. I just have to accept this is her now, my w is gone and is not coming back. That I can create a new future that will be a happy and fulfilling one. Just like everyone else, I’ve spent almost 20 years with this person, it’s hard for me to flip the switch. My switch is more like the circular dial for the lights, it’s slowly turning to the off position. Once mine clicks to the off position I will be done with her (romantically) forever.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
You pretty much summed up exactly how I feel as well. I'm a fixer and I always think I can identify the issue in the relationship and resolve it. Dropping the rope goes against my instincts but it's the only thing I can do to keep my sanity.
I'm working on making a conscious choice each morning I wake up, to let go of trying to control the outcome. Some days it's very freeing. Other days, not so much.
I figure it this way guys. Why fight it or for it? It just keeps us emotionally and mentally distracted from focusing on ourselves, our healing, our progress, our purpose, passions, and new experiences. The only reason why I revisit things constantly in my head is for clairity to change, to respond, to learn and to be at peace with what is. I revisit things in my mind continuously to beat it into my stubborn ways that I need to change the things about me that are undesirable, while still keeping clairity and compassion for myself and XW. This is who I am, this is who I want to be, this is who she is, this is who she wants to be. Gotta let them go. Its easier to look at someone else's flaws then your own, and when you do have the humility and ability to look at your own, its a whole another level to take action to make consistent changes. To hold onto any anger of your circimstance, your distant spouse, their actions, there feelings, their words, their mindset, may temporarily relieve the pain, but I doesn't allow you to heal and grow any faster. This is what I realised today, and this is what detachment is to me.
Hey Wolf, I'm working on making a conscious choice each morning I wake up, to let go of trying to control the outcome. Some days it's very freeing. Other days, not so much.
I agree with the mornings. Some morning are so hard. I am getting better but it is taking time.
IH I feel we go through the same pain. Dropping the rope is hard but getting better at it.
Had a incident on Saturday. It was my moms birthday and text my w to have the kids call my mom to wish her a happy birthday. She text me back that she would have to text my d she is at her parents house. I asked why are the kids there? She said it was last minute but was going out with fiends. I said why didn’t you ask me to watch the kids they are my kids too. She said it was her day with the kids and she can do what she wants with the kids. I said if you cannot watch them the. You should be calling me first. I have priority over anyone else. She said no, if it’s her day with the kids she can pick who gets to watch them. I said yes after you ask me. I am the father of the kids and always have priority over anyone else. She said her parents love watching the kids and I said I don’t doubt that but if you are not going to be with the kids I want to be with them. Then she had the nerve to say that she never deprived me of seeing the kids. I told her she had no reason I am a good and loving father. She said I know but I could be like that like other divorced women do. I said maybe that’s because the men were not good and keep listening to your divorced friends they are giving you great advice. She said they are not giving her any advice. I told her it’s sad how much she has changed (I know this is against DB I’m sorry I needed to say it) the w I remember wouldn’t have done anything to keep the family together and how you wanted nothing but to be together as a family all the time but now you would rather go out and party all the time. You are not the person I married and remember. She said what about you, you go out all the time. I said your right I do, but I would much rather be together with my family but since that has changed, yes I do go out. I told her you do not realize it now, but maybe a month, a year or 5 years but you realize what you had and what you lost. I told her she is chasing happiness and that I hope she finds happiness she deserves to be happy. She was shocked because she was quiet. I said you gave up anhusband who loved you the kids and this family unconditionally. That I would have taken a billet for anyone one of you. And she had the nerve to say really? Just again proves how far gone these WAW’s are. We finished the conversation with me seeing the kids for a little while during the day.
There are things that are against DB principles but I needed to get this off my chest. I will say her tone of voice was different this conversation. More reserved almost more scared. Usually she is screaming at me and making me feel like I am wrong about everything, not this time. It doesn’t mean anything I know. It was just different.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
If you want the right of first refusal to see the kids then talk to your lawyer about having that in your agreement.
I won’t beat you up for the rest. You’re still trying to use logic and reason. If it made you feel better then get it off your chest. Just remember the like e rebellious teenager the more you tell her what to do and how it’s going to be the more she will rebel to prove you wrong.
I am the father of the kids and always have priority over anyone else.
You need to work on getting past this sense of entitlement if you want to co-parent with her. Once you are no longer in the MR, you often don't have the same privileges.
Usually once you are D, if it is her day with the kids you don't have a say in who watches the kids unless there is a specific legal agreement. There are exceptions of course that protect the children from unsafe situations or people but that does not seem to be relevant here with her parents.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
She said I know but I could be like that like other divorced women do.
From what you have written, she is trying to make the co-parenting thing work with you. There are many examples of exW that are vindictive and make co-parenting difficult even when the H has been a good father. You need to be thankful she is not doing that.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
[quote=Thornton] That I would have taken a billet for anyone one of you.
If you would have really done that, what you need to do now is think about what is best for your kids and put your ego and hurt feelings aside. Work with her on co-parenting the kids well without the resentment of her leaving you affect that. You don't want to be emotional now and regret it later.
I know this is not what you want to hear but it is important for the sake of your kids.
I won’t beat you up for the rest. You’re still trying to use logic and reason. If it made you feel better then get it off your chest. Just remember the like e rebellious teenager the more you tell her what to do and how it’s going to be the more she will rebel to prove you wrong.
I forget about that. That she has no logic. Because if she did we wouldn’t be here. I notice she just wants to go out and party more and more. It’s sickening to me. Definitely not the woman I married. That “woman” was all about family and being together. She is no longer there. I will try to remember to not use logic with her anymore it gets me nowhere. She is chasing happiness. That is her journey though. I feel bad for my kids and the way she is. The other day I went over and my son had his head down on the dining room table crying. I said what’s going on. My w said in a very angry tone that he has a project due tomorrow and he has had over a week to do it. So she said she was not going to help him, he was on his own. My son replied while crying but all the parents help the kids. She said no the don’t you need to figure this out on your own. Then she left and went for a walk. I took my kids for a bike ride, when we got back I encouraged him to get it done and that helped and he finished most of it. Like I said she is gone. She has gone into super selfish mode.
Not helping the kids, spending lots of money on herself, going out late at night, and just completely miserable most of the time. No idea who she is anymore.
MLC thank you for that. You are right it’s not what I want to hear. It’s very difficult at least for me to deal with this. Why? Because I don’t want this and yet I have to move forward with it!!!!
Last edited by Wolfman; 09/24/1903:33 PM.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Just know that you aren’t alone. My W is so vile and selfish that it’s like she’s another person. I can’t understand the hatred that she has right now.
I also think about when W was lovable, fun, and kind. It really messes with my mind how she could flip like this.
We simply must detach and leave them to figure themselves out.
