I’ll try one more time wolf. Why did you not insist on keeping the marital home and buying her out?
You probably were spiteful and vindictive because you gave and gave by being her butlers and got nothing in return which is NGS which you refuse to address.
I can’t afford to buy her out. Her parents are giving her $100k to buy me out. I wouldn’t be able to give that to her. Also giving her child support there is absolutely no way I could. You are very right about why I was vindictive, I gave and gave and gave and for nothing in return. Look LH I know where you are coming from I am trying to get better at my NGS. I have been like this for 40 years it’s hard to not be that way now. I am working on it. Let me figure out how to 180 this Friday. Maybe I will just tell her I am taking the train. If she chooses to follow me then that’s on her. Is that better??
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Wolfman, if you go then go by yourself and sit somewhere away from W. Enough is enough, she wants a D then it's time to break ties with her. If she asks why then tell her YOU need time and space and you hope she understands. I did this with my XW and she actually said she understood and respected that. That's not being "vindictive" or "spiteful". And if she thinks it is, well that's her problem, not yours.
At some point you've got to learn to quit taking all her garbage personally. I am who I am. I have not changed substantially in the last 30 years. I am still who my XW fell in love with 30 years ago. 5 years ago she decided she didn't want to love me anymore, and I actually thought I needed to change???? She didn't just tolerate me for 25 years, she was madly in love. I was everything to her, probably more so then her to me. I see now that the answer to her BD wasn't to change, it was to open the door for her and say goodbye. I used it as an opportunity to change and grow, but looking back she left because of changes in HER, not me. And the same could be said for most people that find themselves here.
You are right. I did not change, she changed. She doesn’t want family or responsibility anymore she just wants freedom. So you are right, it’s not me either it’s her. I will be honest with all of you, I know you all will beat me up for this but it’s something I recognize and trying to work on. I am still in denial. I’m getting better with it but it’s still their. Thank you LH and ANOTHER STANDER for being here for me!!! I need to beating!!
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Hey bud, I trust you've been to several banks/mortgage brokers to ascertain your max borrowing capacity and fell short on what you would need to pay her to effect an overall financial settlement? Or is it also the case that like me you simply didnt want the house and happy to be rid of it?
Good luck mate
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Sorry.... As prideful as it sounds. If your wife isn't putting out, making out, keeping you around for a romanitical interest, working to keep you in the M, in the home, and family intact? All this after they clearly want out!? F@$! EM!!! You either get all of me or none of me! What is that phrase of entitlement that women commonly say? "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best!" Wolf... This is an attraction game at this point...Not love, not marriage, not commitment. No man of principle and self worth has time for this kind dramatic bull$hit! Whether you want to believe it or not. She sees your value as less then hers...She thinks she can do better with her life, with another partner, in another environment. Make your changes for you. Spend your time for you. Do for you. Live for you! No woman is worth sacrificing yourself for unless she proves she is worth it TO YOU! People want what they can't have. People also want what they want. Right wrong or indifferent. Its how we learn to make logical choices that are healthy for us in the long term that keeps us emotionally stable and attractive. This isn't dating where you show interest and she shows it back, and you Live happily ever after. This is a person that is fed up with you that is still keeping you around for social benefit. Recognize it for what it is and who she currently is. There's no respect in that. Opportunities maybe, but doubtful. It won't change anything. Change you, work on you, do for you.
This is how adamant I am about this. Case in point. Many grateful acknowledgements on FB. Today is my birthday. I got a Happy Birthday text from W at 9:30 am. Shortly after a call to pickup S2 from daycare, wasn't feeling well. She bought me a donut and an iced coffee when she got home after work, and wished me a good night out. Updated her on S2's situation, said thanks for the donut and the wishes and left. MIL was thoughtful enough to to bring me a present. O have more conversation with her than I do with W. Buddies and bros couldn't make it out. I decided to dress up and go out for dinner and cigars. ALONE! Listened to videos on stoicism and some rock metal videos which made me happy. Sitting in my car now. Am I lonely? Sure but you know what? I wouldn't change a damn thing. I know who I am. I know what I have to work on. I know what I have to do. And I am going to figure out where I am going. What I love doing and whom I choose to love. People enter your life for a reason, they also walk out of it for a reason. A new motto I've heard is... Don't let them go... Return them. People are where they want to be until they no longer want to be there. That is how you detach...When you are strong enough to have the humility to work on you, change you, better you, be you, do you without caring what everyone else thinks of you including your XW. Then you know you are free and in the right place. Attraction comes natural I believe when you are at your best version of yourself. I have a long way to go...Im a broken man at the moment... But... I've been here before...Someone different is going to come out of this. That's how we grow. Through lessons, hardship, pain, and experience. Our pain will not be for nothing. The loss of our spouses will not be for nothing. Let them move on and live their lives and you live yours.
If your W goes to this ballgame. Are you going to enjoy her company in her present form?
Why is so hard for you to tell her no thank you? What are you in denial about?
I don’t know why it is so hard. I guess because I am a nice guy. Which has not served me any good. It has all backfired on me. I am in denial about the d. I still can’t believe I am getting d. I’m stuck and I am trying real hard to unstick myself. I am the opposite of my w, I think of all the good times and vacations while she thinks of all the bad. Obviously we are in 2 very different places
Originally Posted by IHCLACS
If your W goes to this ballgame. Are you going to enjoy her company in her present form?
I am going to talk to everyone. A lot of people are going. Food and alcohol are included so I will be having a good time with everyone.
Yesterday I was putting the kids to bed and she walked by me and I noticed she had a bandage on her arm, right where they draw blood. So I asked if she was ok. She said no she had to go for testing. I asked for what? She said she didn’t know, that she hasn’t been feeling well and the doctors had to draw blood to see what is going on. I told her I hope she feels better. She said thank you and that her menstrual cycle is all out of whack and she is really tired. I wonder if this is making her behave this way??? I read about women going through peri-menopause can experience major hormonal changes that can alter the way they act and feel. Even thought she is doing this to me and the family I feel bad for her.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Wolf why didn't you tell us she was premenopausal that changes everything.
Well actually it doesn't change anything. You still think this is like some kind of riddle where if you say the right thing a light bulb will go off in her head and she will change her mind. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.
I honestly believe you'll get a chance again at some point. By the picture you painted, your W doesn't sound like much of a catch and its not going to be easy for her to find someone to put up with the bs that you did.
Having said that without addressing the issues in the marriage you will likely get bombed again in the future. You remind of another poster "Thorton" who just got bombed for the 4th time. You should read his thread when you have time.
I hope that when you get your own place you can really start to detach and learn to love yourself because you deserve better.
I read about women going through peri-menopause can experience major hormonal changes that can alter the way they act and feel.
I'm convinced it played a huge part in my situation, and I also don't think it's a coincidence that so many WAW's and WW's are in their 40's and 50's. But the real question is how does it impact your approach, and the answer is it doesn't. You DB whether that's a factor or not.
