Divorce because I betrayed her trust - PART 3

[DS9]

Good stuff. Minimalist is key.

When she complains, you think to yourself- dilligaf.

[DaB35]

Another text this morning from W about the broken boiler.

Got a short reply to my email too yesterday - she isn't in the house much, so "not sure if [she] can get round to reading the gas meter" - it literally takes less than 30 seconds so don't know why that is such a task for her!
She said "I'm barely in the house anymore, am so busy."

I will reply letting her know that the gas company will just estimate our use then so the bill will be higher for October.

I also want to keep the grandfather clock. I paid for it as a post-wedding present for her, so I'd like it for myself. My parents don't want us to sell it either. I'll just say "One other thing - I would like to keep the clock."

I will then close by acknowledging "Sounds like you are keeping busy" and leave it at that.

***********

It seems like she is also detaching from me too. It feels very strange talking to her in this curt way, when previously we'd be littering our emails with "xxxxxxxx" etc. I do wonder what she's thinking sometimes. Are we both playing the same game - keeping aloof from each other?

My fundamental belief is she's been co-erced and pressured into choosing D by others, and I occasionally feel a little down by the fact that she effectively just 'switched off' her love for me in less than 12 weeks - but then is this a case of "Don't believe half of what they say or do"?? I don't see how after 8 years one can simply stop loving another in less than 3 months - what does that say about how that person viewed the relationship? If I were any other guy, would she act in exactly the same way?

Is she re-writing history with her friends and family, and boasting about how she's 'strong and will be fine. I don't need him.' etc. etc.? I have fleeting moments of feeling frustration at her - admitting to not want to put any effort into salvaging the M, or refusing MC and IC for herself, or just listening to biased opinions from friends/work colleagues/family. What really annoyed me is her work colleagues saying "I took my husband back and now I regret it." She has just assumed her life will play out exactly like theirs.

I wonder what will happen in a few months' time, when D is over, we're both single, house sold, and she's living in a tiny bedroom in her brother's house (she can have a desk or a wardrobe, not both. That's how small it is). Will she feel like she made the right decision?

Should my plan therefore be:
1. Just go with the D, let the house be sold, let us divide up the assets, leave her be.
and
2. Continue to GAL and feel more positive about myself
and
3. Don't talk to her unless she asks something about the house and even then keep it business-like and short.

[DaB35]

My response to her email:

******
Hi

I'll ask if Monday a.m. is a good time for [company] to see the boiler. I'll check if they offer any priority bookings.
Monday is the last day I send exact numbers from the meter, so gas bill will just be estimated (higher) in October.

I've decided I would like to keep the grandfather clock, and the light fitting on the landing (assuming I find the old fitting to replace it which I think is still in the shed).

Sounds like you are keeping very busy with everything.
******

Short, to the point, no 'please' when asking about the clock etc., and a little validation that she's busy at the end.

I think it's ok.

[DS9]

Hey Dan,

Let her take her friends advice without it bothering you - dilligaf.

Your 1-2-3 plan sounds good mate!

I'd avoid email comments like the 'sounds like you...' one you refered to above. I'd keep these to when you speak directly and when she raises some issue.

Cheers, D

How's the gym going?

[DaB35]

Hi DS

Thanks for the advice. I'll keep that in mind next time I email her back about things and save it for face-to-face occasions.

Gym is going well - at induction they suggested I do my routine twice a week but I've been aiming for 3 times a week. Last week I managed 4 times as some plans I had arranged one day got cancelled, so thought "why not go again". I'm upping some weights very gradually. I'm really struggling with the shoulder press machine though - I can only move 7.5-10kg!! It'll come. On all the other machines I'm using 25-35kg, and 50-60kg on the leg press. Might not sound huge to some, but that's a massive leap for me, and we all have to start somewhere!

I've only been going for a fortnight, but feeling differences already, so I'm excited about what the results will be after a couple of months.

Yes I would say 90% of the time I'm not bothered about what her friends are saying. Definitely much higher than a few months ago when I couldn't sleep. I've noticed going to the gym, going for walks every so often, and just being less anxious overall is making me sleep better and longer, I feel better generally, and I am feeling more confident when I'm walking around in public. Encouragement from my parents and sister is helping too.

[AnotherStander]

It seems like she is also detaching from me too. It feels very strange talking to her in this curt way, when previously we'd be littering our emails with "xxxxxxxx" etc. I do wonder what she's thinking sometimes. Are we both playing the same game - keeping aloof from each other?

The LBS detaches as a trick to try to get the WAS back at first. Eventually they detach for real, but it takes a lot of time to get there. The WAS on the other hand WANTS to detach. It's what they want from the moment of BD. So while you see it as a game or strategy, she sees it as her moving on.

My fundamental belief is she's been co-erced and pressured into choosing D by others, and I occasionally feel a little down by the fact that she effectively just 'switched off' her love for me in less than 12 weeks

It is extremely hard to believe, but it is accurate. She really HAS switched off her love for you. For now she wants S and D, not because of what others are telling her but because it really is what she wants. I know it's hard to believe that the person that was madly in love with you can be like this now, but this is your reality. She may very well change later, but it won't happen anytime soon. The sooner you understand just how far gone she is the easier it will be for you to truly detach.

Is she re-writing history with her friends and family, and boasting about how she's 'strong and will be fine. I don't need him.' etc. etc.?

Yes she is. She believes her narrative for now. Later she may very well wonder why she did it and what she was thinking.

I have fleeting moments of feeling frustration at her - admitting to not want to put any effort into salvaging the M, or refusing MC and IC for herself, or just listening to biased opinions from friends/work colleagues/family. What really annoyed me is her work colleagues saying "I took my husband back and now I regret it." She has just assumed her life will play out exactly like theirs.

Whatever others are telling her doesn't matter. WAS's surround themselves with enablers. They are drawn to people that agree with their narrative and they move to cut people out of their lives that argue against what they are doing, even if it's their own family. A lot of LBS's want to blame people for "helping" them but what they don't realize is the WAS is engineering it all. She is finding people to tell her what she wants to hear.

I wonder what will happen in a few months' time, when D is over, we're both single, house sold, and she's living in a tiny bedroom in her brother's house (she can have a desk or a wardrobe, not both. That's how small it is). Will she feel like she made the right decision?

Here is what will probably happen- you'll keep finding ways to temp check her. Every time you do, no matter how small, it drives her farther away and convinces her splitting is the right thing to do. Eventually you'll decide she really is done and you'll go about building a life without her. You'll get out and GAL, you'll meet someone new, you'll start dating and enjoying yourself and realizing you're a pretty good catch and there's not just one "soul mate" for you in the world. THEN she'll start missing you. You're no longer "good ol' reliable plan B". She'll see the value in you that she blocked out of her mind. She may very well start temp checking YOU. But by then you'll be done and moved on and not sure you want to open yourself up to all that pain and misery with her again.

Should my plan therefore be:
1. Just go with the D, let the house be sold, let us divide up the assets, leave her be.
and
2. Continue to GAL and feel more positive about myself
and
3. Don't talk to her unless she asks something about the house and even then keep it business-like and short.

Yes exactly!

[DaB35]

Thanks AS - I agree with basically everything you've said.

I am finding detaching a bit easier now. Not seeing her all the time - as sad as it is from time to time - speeds this up somewhat.

I like the thought of 'believing a narrative'. I'm guilty of that too though, I appreciate that.
She has more enablers than me. The people I've spoken to have called me out on my mistake as appropriate, but also been supportive of my GAL and moving forward with things.

I'm just getting on with my 3-step plan!

[DS9]

Hey Dan

Get a smart/sport watch like a Garmin Fenix to track your fitness. Otherwise, keep getting pumped!

Be like that dude in Capt America who started skinny and became the Cap!

Where the body goes, the mind will follow, and so will other interesting people!

[DaB35]

Where the body goes, the mind will follow, and so will other interesting people!

Thanks for this DS - I like it.

[DaB35]

My Dad's birthday today so the four of us (parents, myself and sister) are out for a nice meal. Sister's dog is coming too.

Have not seen W since 15 September. Last contacted her last week regarding bills (see above).

Have been really focussing on myself, been looking at houses and where I could live, sorting out money, savings etc. Got lots of new clothes. Living with parents has meant I've got hundreds more in the bank after all my bills have gone out than usual - not driving as much as it's a 5min drive to work and back rather than a 75min one. Shoved that spare cash straight into savings - it's gotta go towards a new place!

Gym is going well - upped a few weights again last night so will continue with that. Got a 'check in' session with one of the gym staff next week so they can assess how I'm doing etc.

One worry I have is storing my instruments - I have to use a secure storage lock up in a nearby town. Quite expensive, but hoping once the furniture I'm keeping goes into a house the cost will eventually go down.

I'm still wearing my wedding ring, though I take it off when I go to the gym. What are people's thoughts on this? I think that I may wear it on my right hand after D. It's a nice ring. Or do I just put it in a drawer never to see the light of day again? I don't really want to sell it.