I don't agree with you dating. I think it's wrong. It doesn't even sound like what you're doing (someone coming over for the night is not a date). I did like what R2C said too. But please no need to go asking your kids about this. Your W is just mad.
Your W is making crap up about being "ready to talk about the marriage". Bull. She would have done it if that were the case. She's the one who left and now she is mad. But I hope you can just find some consistency with this situation and try to work on that.
Also, if the convo is about kid driving, you can try to keep the convo on point and not let it get too far away. My suspicions are that she is hurt and wanted to talk to you about it.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
re: kids, I have a hard time imaging your S12 woke up, saw the other car in your driveway, realized you were sleeping with another woman, and got mad. It is plausible that they are upset because your ex is upset. I imagine seeing you with someone else was hard when she hadn't 100% let go yet.
Sounds like rewriting history, her previously being willing to reconcile. When my partner left there was always a chance a week ago but none today. In retrospect, there were minimal chances after two weeks.
This is primo time to validate her feelings as a co-parent and mom of your kids. That doesn't mean to accede to any of these (imho somewhat unreasonable) demands, but listening.
She sent me a text yesterday to ask what nights I needed her to watch the dog. Told her Friday as I was going to a show. She replied: are you going with (name of girl who stayed the night)? I replied: good lord. Guess she found her name through one of my friends.... I don't think she was over me at all like she said she was.
I went to get some EMT skills recertified at the fire house last night and I remember years ago when WW helped me practice skills. I asked for her to give me one of the scenarios I was working on memorizing and she asked if she could play along like it was an actual call. Sure, why not. She starts out by making a fire pager sound (like the one's we get when being dispatched) and I just fell down from laughing. I sent her a text reminding her of that (I know - blowing up LRT) and she laughed too. We synched up on the kids schedule for the next day.
I realized this morning I am missing her, and that I feel some kind of guilt for Saturday night. I miss my wife from 5 years ago beyond words! I am thinking on what ovrrnbw said that maybe I shouldn't be dating - it's a tough call but I am actually leaning towards my marriage again. I feel like I am grieving her and the marriage.
I want so bad to sit her down and say - forget the girl from Saturday and your emotional affair. Let's get back to us. I miss us and I want us!
Fireman... don’t date to make yourself feel better. Two wrongs don’t make a right. It is disrespectful to the other person and to your W and to the M you want to save. Do the work. Figure out what you did to contribute to the demise of your M and work on fixing that. Don’t drag a third person into it. Save the dating for when you are truly moving on and sure you and your W aren’t getting back together.
I agree with Deja...don't date until you are absolutely sure you are ready.
It's funny reading how some people feel when they meet someone new and how excited they are. For those with WW who cheated that's how they feel - so maybe you can understand how invigorating it feels. But as we know, that stage doesn't last. Try not to get caught up in it and work on yourself while things shake out.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
OK guys - I've already been cleaning house on the dates and just saying I am not ready yet. Worked out and mountain biked before work too.
Last question for a bit - have no idea if she's mad/completely done/secretly in pain and wants to move home/etc. I've had some friends recommend I ask her to come home, others that say just hand everthing over to God at this point....should I just let her be or what?
I feel a lot better about myself regarding implementing this non-dating decision.
Glad to hear you have rethought the dating thing. There will be plenty of time for that in the future if it comes to that. In terms of what to do with W... if you don’t know what to do, sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. Give her time and space and don’t try to reassure her that you are still there for her. She needs to miss you too. She needs to feel some uncertainty. As much of an error Saturday night may have been, it did send her a clear message that you are not going to sit around and be her Plan B. The fact that she made the effort to find out this woman’s name says a lot. She’s really bothered by it. Let her sit with that for awhile.
Yes (that's how she feels right now, it might change later).
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secretly in pain and wants to move home
In pain yes. Wants to move home, no. She would tell you if that's what she wanted.
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I've had some friends recommend I ask her to come home
No do not say that, you will just get BD'd all over again. It's pressure and she does not want any pressure from you right now.
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should I just let her be or what?
Yes absolutely leave her be. Give her time and space. LOTS of it. You've got to be extremely patient.
Regarding dating, the time frame is different from person-to-person. I started about a year after BD and later decided that had been too soon, I think 18 months would have been better. It's a big mental and emotional adjustment after having been with one person for so long.
