Did your lawyer advice picking up the docs? There are minor legal ramifications to acknowledging service of those papers. Just pointing it out in case you hadn’t had that discussion. It’s why I paid a professional server (instead of a sheriff) when I sever my ex—so the immediate acknowledgement was almost guaranteed.
sorry to hear that. Your W's indiscretions don't justify yours, and vice versa. I think you should learn from your mistakes and remember this pain when you find yourself drifting away from making the changes in you that you need to make.
If you can learn to trust in the DB a little more, I see hope for both you and your personal growth as well as your situation. I think you have all of the answers within you. We all get emotional, we all get hurt, how we deal with it makes you who you are.
Good luck,
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
You will not die. That's the truth of it. I thought I would. I really did. I did not think I would survive it. For a lot of reasons.
But i did. Mostly because of the generous, loving people I met here, my wonderful therapist and my son. But also because of me. The work I did. The strength I found.
I came kicking and screaming into DB. I could not get it for the longest time. It made no sense to me. Detach?? Let him go?? Find me? What??? My marriage was ending. The life I knew was gone. How could doing all of that help?
So, I kept making excuses. I kept fighting the idea of all of this.
Until one day....I didn't.
And that is when I had to roll up my sleeves and do the work.
It isn't easy this. I had set backs and I ran into my hole. The people here...my people... wouldn't let me do that for long. They challenged me and consoled me and pushed me. Held me up when I couldn't do it myself. It was a long journey...mainly because of my stubbornness...Be quiet, Mach. .
I can promise you this: Once you decide and I mean really decide to let go....your life begins anew.
You see, they cant move through their stuff, while you are hanging onto their pant legs. And you cant move through yours either. How can you see forward when they are in the way? You way down there? They are running towards a life they think they want while you are weighing them down.
The only way to do this...is to leave them to do their thing. And it will be ok. You will be growing and changing and becoming who you were always meant to be.
Leave them to their journey. You walk yours.
You wont die from this. You will be reborn.
Quoted EVERYTHING. Because it's all true. I never believed any of this post-BD. But I did put in the work because I did not want to stay feeling the way I was. I wanted to get out of that hell. I begged and pleaded for an end to the pain. I did my share of complaining here and was feeling hopeless, even though folks here told me otherwise.
And then, when I finally FULLY detached, the pain eased significantly, the birth of a new life for me occurred, and, as my signature says, I rose. I love my life now. I am the happiest I have been in a long time. Everything in my life is better now. My relationship to my parents, child, friends, and to a certain extent, my STBXW.
I am looking forward to what is coming for me.
Your time is coming as well. Just keep going. It will get better.
If you can learn to trust in the DB a little more, I see hope for both you and your personal growth as well as your situation.
Please elaborate on this. Is there anything in specific I should focus on?
IMO, you should strive to stay even keeled. To be active and not re-active. I mean to think first, act according to how you want to live your life and not in response to others.
Accept the pain, but don't settle for it being the only thing you get. You can hurt and then go enjoy your life too. Do that. And try to improve yourself as a person.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Good weekend. Kept very busy. Cleaned my garage out and made some amazing chicken salad. Began getting my divorce related paperwrk items in order and rewarded myself with a cigar and a long dog walk. Helped a friend of mine paint her foyer on Saturday.
I've been in Dark mode since last Weds. I noticed this morning their was a strange vehicle in her driveway that departed right before the kids woke up. Might have been a friend of her roommates. Regardless - I dropped the rope and did not question her or the kids as to who owned the vehicle.
She reached out to me today to let me know the kids were coming over for the dog as they were off from school. Told them to enjoy. I asked which days she needed kid coverage and stated I'd be happy to help whichever days needed minus the two nights I had plans for. She didn't mention anything D or R, despite having me served last Thurs. I didn't mention anything either.
S12 came over last night to talk and it went well. I asked him a lot about his weekend as he went away for a sports camp.
Talked to one of the officers at the fire station last night about everything. He and I have been friends for 13 years and had no idea this situation was happening. I felt oddly better afterwards. He advised me to continue going to church and to keep talking about the situation. I forget he was previously trained in post traumatic counseling for the department. He's an amazing friend and I can't say how Godsent my fire department is to me.
I ran the dog this morning at 6am and just started wondering some things to myself: * Is she in as much pain as I am in? What the heck is she thinking about right now? * Is their anything I can do at this point to encourage reconciliation aside from working on myself? I feel like the ball is 100% in her court with regards to how things will go. I feel like because I am dealing with a WW, she is the one that has to have this breakthrough and possibly work towards reconciliation. I am to not fear the D and head on with my life regardless of her choice. * In detaching, she is becoming "unfamilar" to me. I don't know her were schedule, what she is putting on social media, etc. it's a little weird, but at the same time, its royally reduced my anxiety. * I am noticing for the first time in my life, I can sit and do nothing. A few days ago, I actually just layed on my couch and watched baseball. I never did that often in my past. When she first separated, I'd wake up on weekends and have all of my must-do items (laundry, food shopping, house cleaning) competed by 930am and sit there thinking "great, now what?!".
Probably not, she's had a lot of time to prepare herself for this, but you got blind-sided. She's no doubt struggling with her decision but it's not the same as what you're going through.
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What the heck is she thinking about right now?
She's lost in a fantasy view of what an amazing life she will have without you.
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* Is their anything I can do at this point to encourage reconciliation aside from working on myself?
This is the hardest thing for most LBS's to understand, but the best you can do is to leave her alone. You do something by doing nothing. I have a neighbor who's a police officer and his W went rogue WAS. He didn't go the beg/ plead/ negotiate route, he simply held the door open for her. And off she went. She partied like a college coed for a few months and then begged him to take her back, and he did and they've been fine ever since (about 5 years now). I've also seen people beg/ plead/ negotiate themselves into a hellish limbo that lasts for months or even years and their WAS never does come out of it. So yeah, the best you can do for now is work on you and leave her be.
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I feel like the ball is 100% in her court with regards to how things will go.
Not at all, you have control. If you choose to stand for your M and work on yourself, then that IS you taking control of your life. It's your choice to wait or not wait. But if you choose to wait, don't sit and stare at the door waiting for her to come through it. Get out. GAL. Organize your life. Stay busy.
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I feel like because I am dealing with a WW, she is the one that has to have this breakthrough and possibly work towards reconciliation.
Yes, absolutely. She's on a journey that only she can make. You can't speed her up, but you can slow her down by interfering through pursuit behavior, R talks, etc.
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I am to not fear the D and head on with my life regardless of her choice.
Exactly. Because whether you recon or not, you have an awesome life ahead!
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