Just chiming in to wish you luck with everything and to thank you as I've really related to your story. I've read your sitch and your wife sounds very, very much like my XW in many respects. All the best mate!
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Very nice vacation visiting family, but good to be back home, kids are in school and we are settling into a schedule. Still working on the final details of a final agreement with W. My L says we may be able to have everything done and the judge may give his blessing by Thanksgiving.
My new home is coming together but lots of details left - empty wall space, need a rug for the living room, etc. My goal was to have this done already but life gets in the way sometimes. My new goal is to have everything done by the end of September so I can just enjoy the place.
I am in my 11th month post-BD and feeling really good. I continue to have zero thoughts of reconciliation. I can do much better than her. I won't ever give my precious limited time on this planet to someone who does not treat me well. I stuck with her for years and ground it out because we had kids together. She probably would say the same LOL. But what she might say doesn't matter to me at this point. I know my flaws, I know what I could have done better in responding to her shyt, I've done the work to figure that out and am still doing work on me. I'll never stop doing work on me, never again, that's my promise to myself and my kids and the eventual new lover in my life.
Even if I would have made every perfect move with my W I don't know that things would have worked out. I don't know that I could have stopped that nasty, snide, critical spew from her. She's always, according to her family, had that part of her personality. Whatever flaws I have, whatever mistakes I made, didn't create her issues. They pre-existed in her before she even knew I was alive.
So I am feeling great. I have been hitting the gym hard, which is a key element to my mindset. I've buffed up my wardrobe. Eating very healthy every day, drinking lots of water, very little sugar. Trying to get at least 7 hours of sleep. Digging back in at work, which was the one thing I was letting slip. Keeping my haircut short, getting to the Dr. and Dentist, staying on top of my health. Spending quality time with friends and getting out and about. Finances are in very good shape despite the pending D. And connecting deeper with my kids. Life is pretty awesome right now. I'm looking forward to getting out on dates soon. I think it will be this month or next when I get that going. Slowly! I think it's going to be really fun, I have high hopes and optimism. What a journey.
No further progress on a final settlement with W, but I think we will be pretty close by the end of the month. There do not appear to be any major issues but with her you can never be quite sure what might pop-up. I want a very detailed agreement but I understand that as the kids get older schedules and details will change and some flexibility is necessary, and changes will be made. Whatever is best for kids. I have to deal with W for many years to come, there is no way around it, unfortunately. But I have really been enjoying the space and my uninterrupted time with the kids. It's so amazing.
I have been in my new place for a few months now and still no physical movement toward dating. I have been thinking about it a lot, but no action. I have no set time frame (other than in the past when I would not do it while IHS) so I don't know exactly when and what I'm going to do. I know a few women who are D'd and single, one who is part of my group of friends, and I have thought about them. I don't know what I'll do about them. And then of course there is the great unknown out there, the universe of women who I don't know yet. Who knows what's out there? It's an exciting thought, the feeling of venturing out and experiencing my area as a single guy again. Maybe my tune will change after I'm at it for awhile, LOL. But right now, the feeling of freedom, freedom from W's judgment and criticism and control, and freedom to do what I want for the most part, is invigorating. It's not a perfect analogy, but I feel kind of like Morgan Freeman at the end of Shawshank Redemption, when he is on the bus heading to the border:
"I find I'm so excited I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel. A free man at the start of a long journey... ...whose conclusion is uncertain."
Sure I am sad the my MR is ending, and I do look back for the purpose of finding my flaws and improving myself, and figuring out wtf happened. There's value in that, quite a bit actually, but it's all for the purpose of self-improvement and future happiness. It's about moving forward for me. I get another shot at a new R, and I'm optimistic it's going to be a really amazing one when it happens.
But I have really been enjoying the space and my uninterrupted time with the kids. It's so amazing....But right now, the feeling of freedom, freedom from W's judgement and criticism and control, and freedom to do what I want for the most part, is invigorating. ... I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel.
Ejoy it now. It typically doesn't last long....I was single and free for less than 2 years....
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
It's not a perfect analogy, but I feel kind of like Morgan Freeman at the end of Shawshank Redemption, when he is on the bus heading to the border:
"I find I'm so excited I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel. A free man at the start of a long journey... ...whose conclusion is uncertain."
Do you also sometimes feel like Tim Robbins after crawling through 500 yards of sh*t-smelling foulness to reach his freedom?
But I have really been enjoying the space and my uninterrupted time with the kids. It's so amazing....But right now, the feeling of freedom, freedom from W's judgement and criticism and control, and freedom to do what I want for the most part, is invigorating. ... I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel.
Ejoy it now. It typically doesn't last long....I was single and free for less than 2 years....
I'm guesstimating I may be on a similar timeline and we'll see how it all plays out. No expectations. I feel like I may end up on some dates in October, which will be my 3rd month out on my own and around the 1 year anniversary of BD. I suspect there may be a "blast from the past" or two mixed in there. Casually.
I went to a small party over the weekend, about 15 of us who have been friends for 25 years, lots of laughs and old stories. Good for the soul, amazing people, got several texts the next day about how good and happy I looked, the bright future, all that kind of stuff. That felt good to read. When I say I'm doing great I mean it, it's not a front or an act for my friends, and they can feel it. If I'm feeling this good now, in the middle of a D after a toxic R, how good am I going to feel when I am more clear of it all? It's going to be really amazing, I think.
There was a gal at the party who I have known for 20 years who is also D'd. First time we have ever been single at the same time. I had a little crush on her before I met W and that feeling started to creep back over the past year. I haven't said a thing or made any move and no plans to do so at the moment, I am going to play that very cool for awhile but she is on my mind. If I get some signals from her down the road it might be on. But not yet or soon. I'm going to enjoy some space for awhile.
The kids are great, I am giving them as much love as they can take in. It's soccer season so the weekends have games and good times on the sidelines with other parents. My W's incessant screaming at I mean encouraging the kids while they are playing is almost intolerable and I can't seem to get a video shot without her yelling in the background which is ungodly irritating, but i'm staying serene as possible. I just have to move way down the sideline or block the mic, LOL. I'll be fine, it's a marathon with another 15 years of these weekend sports events to go. No trigger, no safe space needed, no problem it's all good.
jac you will get there buddy, just dig in and do the work, one day at a time. 6 letters provide the foundation - PMA and GAL.
Originally Posted by unchien
Originally Posted by Gekko
It's not a perfect analogy, but I feel kind of like Morgan Freeman at the end of Shawshank Redemption, when he is on the bus heading to the border:
"I find I'm so excited I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel. A free man at the start of a long journey... ...whose conclusion is uncertain."
Do you also sometimes feel like Tim Robbins after crawling through 500 yards of sh*t-smelling foulness to reach his freedom?
LOL. I do feel a little like Tim Robbins in the creek, arms extended to the sky. Now it's time to get dried off, put on the suit and do some business!
