MLC, thanks, yeah I have been concentrating on being alpha. I've read a lot of books on alpha behavior, on masculinity, etc. I think she sees me as the alpha. I do think we need to be back in to IC individually, and MC. That is coming.
kas, you have a good handle on things, I think you are going to be fine no matter what happens.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Alpha is a state of mind and it is about you. If you feel and act alpha there will be a lot of subconscious behaviors that will be attractive to her. What she thinks and whether she sees you as alpha or not is immaterial.
Almost told her I wanted a to separate this morning. It was weird. The urge just overcame me. Actually the urge was to say "I want a divorce", but then I softened it down to "I think we should separate". I was able to avoid actually saying but it was close.
I drove to work and I started to to break down the emotions. I think it is mostly what I said in one of my more recent posts. I am just tired. After nearly 2 years of always being on, always catching my reactions and emotions, and tempering them, I think I am just ready to be free of the bondage. I also think that there is a part hoos and I discussed. If she was who she is now when we got married, I probably would not have married her. And so there is a big part of me that is sitting here thinking "I deserve more. I deserve better. I deserve to not have to settle for less than I would demand of a potential spouse."
There is one other aspect involved to. I remember years ago a friend of mine married this woman. She was very nice. Very sweet. And she wanted to be with him 24/7. I remember her coming to events where it was just all of us guys, but she wasn't about to not tag along with him. I liked her a lot, so I didn't mind, but looking back 25 years later I can see where it was a red flag. Eventually he grew tired of it, wanted space, and he finally left her. When I asked what happened he said "I realized that I was never going to make her happy." That line captures how I feel. I am never going to be able to make her happy. Whether I am a jerk like I was for 90% of our first 18 years. Whether I am "amazing" the way I have been for almost the last two years. I just don't think she is going to be happy with me. Maybe she will never be happy with anyone. But no matter what I try I can't make her happy. And worse, I shouldn't even be trying because that is on her, not me.
So for now we are in limbo. She doesn't know she is in limbo though. I haven't BD'd her. I am sure this post will disappoint some of you, and for that I am sorry. But these are my honest thoughts and feelings. Maybe one day I will snap out of it. Maybe it is because the bump in the road is still so fresh. Maybe I am caught in this cycle of working so hard on me for 10-12 months, that I go through a few weeks where I question everything. IDK.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I totally understand where you’re coming from when you say your tired. I also always remember your story not following the script that we see here so many times. I believe I even once said that IMO if your W had a job and her OM was accessible she would have most likely divorced you. Until they get out there and experience reality the fantasy never goes away.
I like you wasn’t the greatest husband for the first 13 years but was able to show my ex the best of me for a year and a half but it wasn’t enough to overcome the 13 not so good years. I’m still a true believer that true reconciliations only happens after time and space. Maybe a separation isn’t a bad idea.
Take some time and process your emotions and see how you feel in a few weeks.
I totally understand where you’re coming from when you say your tired. I also always remember your story not following the script that we see here so many times. I believe I even once said that IMO if your W had a job and her OM was accessible she would have most likely divorced you. Until they get out there and experience reality the fantasy never goes away.
I like you wasn’t the greatest husband for the first 13 years but was able to show my ex the best of me for a year and a half but it wasn’t enough to overcome the 13 not so good years. I’m still a true believer that true reconciliations only happens after time and space. Maybe a separation isn’t a bad idea.
Take some time and process your emotions and see how you feel in a few weeks.
Best of luck to you Steve.
Yes, I need to remain patient. Thanks. I've come this far, I can hold out a little longer. I actually got excited by the prospect of separating, and eventually divorcing. Very similar to where I was last Dec.
Originally Posted by neffer
You can´t act on emotions Steve. You have done a long journey. You know who you are. You know what you deserve.
Completely agree with LH, it´s about DB basics:
Originally Posted by LH19
I’m still a true believer that true reconciliations only happens after time and space.
We don´t live on crumbs. Face your life Steve. Be proud of where you stand.
Well the space hasn't been a problem! I have been GAL to a fault. But I need to remain patient, and let things progress.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Almost told her I wanted a to separate this morning. It was weird. The urge just overcame me. Actually the urge was to say "I want a divorce", but then I softened it down to "I think we should separate". I was able to avoid actually saying but it was close.
Glad you held back from saying it. You've probably seen me tell others this before, but if you said that to yourself today then that could be nothing more than fleeting feelings. But if you say it to yourself every day for a month or two or three, well then there is more to it. So give yourself time and see how you feel.
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I am just tired. After nearly 2 years of always being on, always catching my reactions and emotions, and tempering them, I think I am just ready to be free of the bondage. I also think that there is a part hoos and I discussed. If she was who she is now when we got married, I probably would not have married her. And so there is a big part of me that is sitting here thinking "I deserve more. I deserve better. I deserve to not have to settle for less than I would demand of a potential spouse."
Definitely can see why you would feel that way. A lot has changed since then, she's not the same person and you probably aren't either. At some point you have to ask yourself if THIS person is really who you want to be with. I think some people choose to stay together simply because of the shared history, and more power to them. I don't think that would work for me though, I need to be with someone that constantly stimulates me (and I her as well).
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I am never going to be able to make her happy. Whether I am a jerk like I was for 90% of our first 18 years. Whether I am "amazing" the way I have been for almost the last two years. I just don't think she is going to be happy with me. Maybe she will never be happy with anyone. But no matter what I try I can't make her happy.
I can't remember if you read the Happiness Trap early on, but if not then you might want to pick it up. You're right in that you can't make her happy, only SHE can do that. And only YOU can make yourself happy. I think our society makes us believe we have to chase happiness, like it's something that's out there that we need to find and buy and hold onto. Or that we need to take from someone else, steal and hide and covet. But it's more of a state of mind, we can choose to be happy despite whatever is going on all around us. The story of Corrie ten Boom in the concentration camp during WWII is just astonishing, this woman lived in the most horrific conditions imaginable and brought love, joy and hope to everyone around her. She was HAPPY. How is it possible in those circumstances? Seems impossible to most. I would venture to say she was happier than any millionaire around today. No husband, no kids, sister died in the same concentration camp, no belongings, no hope, no future, a prisoner despite having committed no crime. If she can be happy under those circumstances then there is hope for anyone.
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Maybe one day I will snap out of it. Maybe it is because the bump in the road is still so fresh. Maybe I am caught in this cycle of working so hard on me for 10-12 months, that I go through a few weeks where I question everything. IDK.
Maybe so. That's why you need to give yourself time! Maybe try to get out and GAL some more and recenter yourself. And whether people here are disappointed or not I think it's great that you share your experience whether positive or negative. It's a good learning opportunity for us all.
Steve do not sell yourself short , AS speaks wisdom as always , you get what you deserve, took me a long time to work that out . There are good people out there , don’t Fuk up and settle for anything less
Not sure if you ever read Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now" or "The New Earth", Steve, but maybe give them a gander, if you are so inclined.
There are some amazing revelations in those two books that might help you with how you are feeling right now. Not every single word of the books will resonate, mind you, but a lot of it may help you to understand why you are feeling the way that you are right now. It definitely helped me.
AS said the rest - that is one very intelligent person right there. Keep out of your fleeting emotions- they will pass as they always do.
