#16 - Recovering from speed bump, piecing and Ring

[DS9]

I’m behind you Steve whatever you decide. I’m no chop on any of the vets here, especially with advice, but all I’ll say is do whatever is needed for you to avoid being a shell of a man at the end of it all.

[44tries2]

Steve...I hear you and relate so much. As others have said, take your time and feel what you need to feel. With all your work, I know you will make the right decision for yourself in the end, whatever that may be.

[lost8]

Hey Steve...I am not on much anymore but when I check in always want to see how those who helped me are doing.

I am in the same boat as you. Continuously saying life might just be better starting over. One thing keeping me around is S15 and am happy my sitch is not where it was this time last year. I think we as LBS needed to go to that extreme mentally to realize where we have been and that we will not go back even though our new norm is way different than it was pre BD.

I think we are ok with that and it is normal after all these years to keep questioning this new R because we were conditioned to that old routine.

I too, constantly have anxiety about whether OM will reemerge but I cut those feelings off very quickly because I know...I know that I will never be disrespected that way again and I could walk away from the R at that moment and start my life over without anger.

I am embracing the new R that I have and am working on being happy...not just content that A is over, etc etc but happy with the changes I have made for myself and a new attitude toward life. I gave up on hoping things would "go back to the way they were"....that is unrealistic and we can't wait for that to happen. Move forward Steve be happy.

[SteveLW]

Hey Steve...I am not on much anymore but when I check in always want to see how those who helped me are doing.

I am in the same boat as you. Continuously saying life might just be better starting over. One thing keeping me around is S15 and am happy my sitch is not where it was this time last year. I think we as LBS needed to go to that extreme mentally to realize where we have been and that we will not go back even though our new norm is way different than it was pre BD.

I think we are ok with that and it is normal after all these years to keep questioning this new R because we were conditioned to that old routine.

I too, constantly have anxiety about whether OM will reemerge but I cut those feelings off very quickly because I know...I know that I will never be disrespected that way again and I could walk away from the R at that moment and start my life over without anger.

I am embracing the new R that I have and am working on being happy...not just content that A is over, etc etc but happy with the changes I have made for myself and a new attitude toward life. I gave up on hoping things would "go back to the way they were"....that is unrealistic and we can't wait for that to happen. Move forward Steve be happy.

Thanks l8, I am in a much better place right now. I have been GAL like crazy and this has helped. I continue to be healthily lovingly detached. And I continue to make sure my 180s are cemented. I think that sometimes life just gets a little overwhelming. Even in a good marriage there are ups and downs. Keeping the right perspective is so important. My W did start having inappropriate conversations again a couple of months ago. I caught it, confronted, and she agreed to full transparency. My choice is to accept that and move forward, or say that was the last straw and bolt. What I don't have the right to do is stay and complain. I listened to a podcast recently on relationships and this was the main point they were making. And I think we've made that point on this forum quite a bit too. I tested myself and decided to stick around.

[kas99]

[quote]

S,
I believe I even once said that IMO if your W had a job and her OM was accessible she would have most likely divorced you. Until they get out there and experience reality the fantasy never goes away.

This and I think its a 2-way street. Steve, you are exactly where I'd be had I gotten the chance to reconcile. Honestly I got exhausted just reading your post. WAH had a fantasy of how life was going to be but guess what I had my own fantasy. His fantasy and mine didn't line up because duh it's a fantasy. Reality is different. Reality is right in front of me, today, this moment. Fantasy is in my head. Its in his head.

S19 tells me that WAH is still knee deep in fantasy land and honestly so am I. His fantasy is that life will be better without me in it. Not true but I see his point. It will be different but not better. Want to know why it won't be better? He isn't doing the work. Simply removing me isn't going to fix HIM.

And on my side of the street it's another fantasy. My fantasy was that if I was loved enough then my life would be better. Also not true. I still think I need someone and I won't truly be free until I fix this. For me the idea isn't to find someone else (this isn't difficult) its to not need someone else? Make sense?

[SteveLW]

[quote=LH19]S,
I believe I even once said that IMO if your W had a job and her OM was accessible she would have most likely divorced you. Until they get out there and experience reality the fantasy never goes away.

This and I think its a 2-way street. Steve, you are exactly where I'd be had I gotten the chance to reconcile. Honestly I got exhausted just reading your post. WAH had a fantasy of how life was going to be but guess what I had my own fantasy. His fantasy and mine didn't line up because duh it's a fantasy. Reality is different. Reality is right in front of me, today, this moment. Fantasy is in my head. Its in his head.

S19 tells me that WAH is still knee deep in fantasy land and honestly so am I. His fantasy is that life will be better without me in it. Not true but I see his point. It will be different but not better. Want to know why it won't be better? He isn't doing the work. Simply removing me isn't going to fix HIM.

And on my side of the street it's another fantasy. My fantasy was that if I was loved enough then my life would be better. Also not true. I still think I need someone and I won't truly be free until I fix this. For me the idea isn't to find someone else (this isn't difficult) its to not need someone else? Make sense?

Thanks kas. Appreciate it. What part or parts exhausted you? Just curious.

"And on my side of the street it's another fantasy. My fantasy was that if I was loved enough then my life would be better. Also not true. I still think I need someone and I won't truly be free until I fix this. For me the idea isn't to find someone else (this isn't difficult) its to not need someone else? Make sense?"

This is incredibly insightful. I praise you for being able to take a hard look at yourself like this. Kas, I truly believe that all of these situations are nothing if not a growth opportunity. Grow or die. Those are our choices. So I applaud you for looking into this. Please follow this up with some good IC and get to the root of why you have this need.

[hoosjim]

I can't remember if you read the Happiness Trap early on, but if not then you might want to pick it up. You're right in that you can't make her happy, only SHE can do that. And only YOU can make yourself happy. I think our society makes us believe we have to chase happiness, like it's something that's out there that we need to find and buy and hold onto. Or that we need to take from someone else, steal and hide and covet. But it's more of a state of mind, we can choose to be happy despite whatever is going on all around us. The story of Corrie ten Boom in the concentration camp during WWII is just astonishing, this woman lived in the most horrific conditions imaginable and brought love, joy and hope to everyone around her. She was HAPPY. How is it possible in those circumstances? Seems impossible to most. I would venture to say she was happier than any millionaire around today. No husband, no kids, sister died in the same concentration camp, no belongings, no hope, no future, a prisoner despite having committed no crime. If she can be happy under those circumstances then there is hope for anyone.

There's alot of faith-based material on this out there. I know our pastor talks about it quite alot. You'll often hear it framed in terms of "happiness" vice "joy", with "happiness" being something you pursue (somewhat selfishly) but somehow never quite obtain... at least with any permanence. "Joy" on the other hand comes from within, from an inner sense of well-being or, if you are a person of faith, from one's personal relationship with the Lord. "Joy" starts within but actually overflows out of you when you are at your most joyful, bringing light and joy to others. I probably butchered the explanation, but i always find it a very compelling message/discussion when i hear it.

[kas99]

Thanks kas. Appreciate it. What part or parts exhausted you? Just curious.

If you've ever read or listened to Brene Brown she talks about "hustling for your worth". She uses the analogy of being stuck in a spider web no matter which way your turn you're still stuck. I got the vibe you are exhausted from "hustling" and from trying to escape the web. As much as I want my WAH back it wouldn't work and I know it. I'd hustle and (this makes me cry) I know I'd be more miserable/exhausted than I am now. See its easier to live in denial than to face the truth. Steve you know the truth as do I which is why you're struggling. My IC used to say you can't "unknow" something. She talked about it like trying to hold a beach ball underwater. Exhausting.

This is incredibly insightful. I praise you for being able to take a hard look at yourself like this. Kas, I truly believe that all of these situations are nothing if not a growth opportunity. Grow or die. Those are our choices. So I applaud you for looking into this. Please follow this up with some good IC and get to the root of why you have this need.

I'm in tears today close to sobbing so not feeling so strong today. I'm grateful to post on your thread. Putting my thoughts out there even if it's to give you advice helps me. We teach what we most need to learn right? I've had 20 years (off and on) of IC and honestly it's like kicking a drug habit all the IC in the world can't fix this. I know why I'm addicted but the cure is to go cold turkey. I need to learn to sit with the bad feelings without a man in my life.

WAH doesn't want me. That is my truth. I can go seek another man or I can learn to live without one. I think the short term pain is better than continuing to be in pain for the rest of my life. If I seek another man before I fix this I'll be right back here in no time. Guarantee it.

[hoosjim]

I've had 20 years (off and on) of IC and honestly it's like kicking a drug habit all the IC in the world can't fix this. I know why I'm addicted but the cure is to go cold turkey. I need to learn to sit with the bad feelings without a man in my life.

WAH doesn't want me. That is my truth. I can go seek another man or I can learn to live without one. I think the short term pain is better than continuing to be in pain for the rest of my life. If I seek another man before I fix this I'll be right back here in no time. Guarantee it.

kas, I feel for you, and i know what you're going through. You think you need this one person, or perhaps just any person, to make you happy, and you don't know how you're going to survive without them. I was there myself. But, I'd urge you to read my most recent post just above here, on seeking happiness versus experiencing joy. My W and i bothwent through this journey, each of us in our different ways, and it was transformative. Bottom line is that if you go searching for "true happiness" outside yourself, you will forever be seeking. You need to find joy/satisfaction/thankfulness/happiness(if you must call it that) within yourself. You have to be "good" and whole on your own. My pastor is fond of saying that he hates the phrase "you complete me", because when you put two broken/incomplete people together you dont get a "complete" anything... you get a pair of broken/incomplete people. The best relationships are ones where each person, even with all their goods and bads, is comfortable in their own skin and, despite whatever ghosts or brokenness they have experienced, bring a "whole" person to the relationship. It's the difference between codependence and interdependence. That's why GAL's and 180s are so integral to DB-ing... it's all about building YOU up and making YOU the best person you can be... someone you can be happy being whether you're with a man or single. My W and I found this primarily through faith. However you go about trying to find it, my hopes and prayers are that you do... you are a unique person with unique gifts and a unique purpose on this earth.. celebrate that!

[hoosjim]

Hey Steve, didn't mean to thread-jack, above, but i felt my response to kas kind of built on and extended what i had posted to you in my previous post, so i left it here. Hope that's okay, and hope you are doing well.

Peace, brother.