Its best to stay neutral with her family--as you did they will always pick her side and she will usually lie anyway, so no sense in saying much
they will however figure the MLCer out in time and see their crazy choices, and sometimes come back to you for more answers
Good choice to Not snoop
They usually have an affair partner and nothing we say can affect them
Best to let things be and just watch as you take good care of you and support your kids make sure they are safe with her as the MLCer will become a terrible parent Er therefore have to pick up the slack so the kids know we are a strong rock for them as they will be confused and hurt as well-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
You sound like you are doing well, and I am glad you are not snooping. More will be revealed as time progresses, and without R there is really no need to push for anything.
Last week you mentioned talks about separating / divorce, the quickest D discussions ever. Custody was resolved, and I believe you are ok with the arrangements. At the time financial stuff was in a few days. Did you two talk and/or reach an arrangement here as well?
I would like you to consider speaking to a lawyer about this and getting those agreements in place and signed. A lot of MLCers are nice and friendly at the beginning and will make amicable and fair agreements. Then, in a while, those friendly hand shake arrangements are no longer around, as absent as one’s spouse. It can become a real battle to find a resolution at the point, never mind a peaceful one.
I suspect that this probably feels wrong and grates against you. It is counterintuitive, part of focus on, and protect, you and the kids. Get Information, and be ready if things start to go more sideways then they already have. Today’s MC session might shed some further light on how urgent this might be.
I totally agree with your hoping for the best and planning for the worst. This is part of that planning, and can be undone if things get better.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
We have not had any further discussions regarding D since our discussion regarding custody arrangements. She is deep in the MLC fog and I just continue to GAL and lovingly detach. We talk about the kids or things around the house, etc. She has shown a bit more interest in the kids of late, and has been a little more chatty with me. I'm trying to be the lighthouse and ride this out, as I do not want a D at this point.
Your point regarding a lawyer is a good one. I have been speaking to a friend who is an attorney, and he has been guiding me as far as what to prepare for and what to say or not say to W when do talk about us. I'm moving ahead on two parallel tracks, one preparing for a D and keeping my guard up, the other keeping open the possibility of an R, should she come to the conclusion that's of interest to her. The GALing and detachment is what it makes it possible to do both at the same time. This is truly her journey, I can not change or interrupt it in any real way.
I am glad your seeing an attorney, and I understand the two parallel tracks you are following (although I think three).
- preparing for a D - keeping my guard up - keeping open the possibility of an R should she come to the conclusion that's of interest to her.
I figure you are open to the possibility of R. Therefore whatever she is thinking or feeling is of little matter, so cross it out and focus on you.
I am going to suggest something for you to consider. The idea of parallel tracks set this up as “either or”, like it is a choice. These three things are not mutually exclusive, any number of them can occur independent of the others. This is all the same path.
You can and should prepare for D, keep your guard up, and stay open to the possibilities - all of em, which includes a new and better R.
I do get the duality mindset of looking into D and hoping for R. We have to see things as two for a while until a certain level of detachment is achieved. No worries here, just a gentle nudge.
I bring this up because trying to live in two worlds will get a person stuck - and your not stuck.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks for the feedback. I agree on making sure I don’t get stuck in two worlds. MC had to postpone until next Tuesday due to family emergency.
Development tonight. I got home and W was giving me silent treatment before telling me to “never talk to her parents again.” She said they called her and laid into her regarding her MLC ways. As stated previously, they did call me and ask about her. Yes, I was honest with them, but I didn’t ask them to reach out to her etc. Don’t know how this tough love plays long term, but I’m just going to let it lie. Won’t change my demeanor with W at all. Lovingly detach and work on me and the kids.
I got home and W was giving me silent treatment before telling me to “never talk to her parents again.”
So typical.
They will attempt to control everything. And most things are absolutes and negative. Like - never talk again. Emotionally driven.
Well done not getting drawn in, and trying to explain or rationalize it. She won’t listen, and really is unable to at the moment.
After she calms down, you could apologize. Just own that you answered some questions from her parents. You didn’t realize her parents would lay into her, and you are sorry she feels hurt.
If you two are in MC, you should make peace on this. Just straight foreword, nothing over the top. Build a bit of trust for yourself within her. Show her you are a safe place and she doesn’t need to worry about you telling on her. Her trauma’s origin is most likely with a parent or parents. Family or someone in a position of authority over her as a child.
It’s ok. I would probably ease up on telling her parents about her though.
Do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
It's probably a small setback, unfortunately. I plan on addressing it at MC, as I'm sure she will bring it up. I am going to validate her feelings, ("I'm sorry you feel that way") and not defend my actions etc. Will be curious to see how the MC handles it.
And, you nailed the trauma DnJ. My W is adopted and both I and her birth parents believe this crisis has (at least in part) to do with her birth mother rejecting her when she tracked her down years ago.
It’s just amazing how MLC W mood changes like the weather. Yesterday she came over for Sunday dinner with S10. Very distant and grumpy. Didn’t say much. This morning she comes over to pick up S10 to go look for a Halloween costume, and was chatty, friendly etc. Texted me multiple times during the day. I don’t believe either “mood.” She has repressed her feelings for me in order to give herself “permission” to behave the way she has been having. That’s her problem, I’m focused on me and the kids. MC tomorrow night. Tune in then for another edition of “As the MLC Mood Turns.” Lol
So, MLC W just texted in a panic that she got a call from school and S10 was sitting by himself and not interacting etc. He is usually quite social. W said she felt like she was going to cry and that this "is only going to get worse," assuming it had to do with our sitch. She went and picked him up and it was primarily due to one of his classmates bothering him.
Supposed to have MC tonight, and wife brought that up. Said that there is no way to R now because I called spoke to her parents about our sitch. Classic MLC projecting I suppose. I just said "I'm sorry you feel that way." Them MC emailed and may need to postpone tonight. W is annoyed by that, of course.
What should I do? I still want to save it but W says "there's nothing there." She is in MLC fog and it's not breaking any time soon, apparently.
I wouldn't do a thing. I would pick myself up, dust myself off and continue living your life. Your wife isn't happy w/anything, especially herself. There is no pleasing someone in MLC. The best thing is to live your life to the fullest and keep the focus on your and your family.
If she doesn't want to go to MC, then I would consider booking in for IC for you and you only.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
