The last straw

[Zip]

Z,

There isn't really anything you can do right now accept to wait it out unless your ready to file for divorce.

I think it's best to hope for the best but start preparing for the worse.

LH thats where I am having the problem. I wonder if I am not getting closer to this day but at this point, I am not there. I always felt we would grow old together and thats been my dream....although my actions havent shown such. its very hard to stay in love with nothing back. But for some reason, I feel still very in love with her. Why can i still feel so strongly for someone who gives so little back to me, for years. Is it a false feeling in my mind? I have no interest in finding or knowing of any other women i would rather be with. And I have seen the ripple effects of the D through my brothers and I dont want to see this happen to my Ds. THis just s*cks.

[Ready2Change]

Why can i still feel so strongly for someone who gives so little back to me, for years.

That is a great question for your IC. You have lots of personal growth work to do.

[LH19]

Z,

There is a saying by Tony Robbins that “rejection breeds obsession”. The truth is you probably feel about her that same as she feels about you but men typically put up with more. It’s more about you feeling like your losing control of your life. Like your spinning down a drain and there’s nothing to grab on to and that’s a horrible feeling. Not to mention your probably fearing starting over at 58 years old.

[Zip]

AS thanks for your input. i have been hoping to read input from you on my sitch. I am truly grateful for you, LH, Sandi2 and others for your valuable advice!

Well I read both DB and DR.... and I need to read and re read again.

Its sooo easy to screw up....and to hit reverse and try backing out is damn near impossible.

A major screw up today. I was in a mood from the weekend wedding and it boiled over this morning. A couple issues added to the problem and i will be as short as i can.

Friday night i had an event with a banker who was askiing about the property I was thinking of buying in August. Due tot he BD, I walked away. I told him there were some marital issues on the table which he had gone through a few years ago and understood. He told me to call him Monday morning to discuss options to move forward if I wanted to. this got my mind going as it has been a master plan to purchase this property but it took the W years to finally agree it is a smart move.

Saturday, we go to the wedding where I am surrounded by all her beach friends and they are looking at me as if to say, "what are you doing here?" With the W in a cold mood and my D27 and D23 on the other side of the room, i felt very isolated and an outsider. Didnt sit well, I wrote notes to myself when I was alone at the recept saying I need to get out of this M and why did i ever agree to go. More stress just building inside of me.

Sunday...busy working on farm for June wedding...minimal interaction with W. good day.

Monday Morn, get a text out of the blue from owner of property for sale.,,, he wants to see if I am interested that it is still available. I thought someone else put a contract in but if so it didnt go. Banker stated he could get the financing but will need the W to waive her rights to the property. So I think if she has stated she is getting a spouse waiver to buy a house without me, then i will use the same form for this property.

The problem was the delivery...I asked her this morning if she had gotten the waiver form from the L, which she says no that she hasnt heard from the L. I said its been over 60 days.... wonder why, Well this then went downhill as I dont explain why I am looking for the form, and she feels i am now pushing for her to find a home and move on, I dont tell her about the property, this is mistake #? I have to put mistake #1 with the tone i am talking to her in , She then reminds me i said YEARS ago that it would take me 30 days, like my brother, to find another woman, THis is brought up and thrown in my face. So we are not in the heat of an argument. I asked is it a secret as to who your L is? She said no, and its easy to remember, her name is Meredith....just like the friend you have on FB. Well she apparently was told by her sister that I am friends with this woman who I am,, I will drop the friendship immediately and did tell the W when asked who she is, told her she bought some hay from me and has given me some advice on how to handle the sitch. Soo, this has opened up the "I dont trust you at all" and now I am wondering what to do at this time.

Seems to be natural to create problems versus just keeping my mouth shut and staying the course. You can do well for so long but then something goes astray in your mind and it goes to sh*t so quickly.... it is sad and disappointing how a 10 minute conversation can do so much destruction without even planning on such an outcome.

I know the 2x4 may need to be used on me which is well deserved. Just need to find the mental support to withhold and self control. I can only hope its not too late...again.

Zip

[Zip]

Z,

There is a saying by Tony Robbins that “rejection breeds obsession”. The truth is you probably feel about her that same as she feels about you but men typically put up with more. It’s more about you feeling like your losing control of your life. Like your spinning down a drain and there’s nothing to grab on to and that’s a horrible feeling. Not to mention your probably fearing starting over at 58 years old.

Could be it... i don't want to start over but have watched my brothers do so in the last 3 yrs and one older than me and one younger. They both say you will be happier getting through this regardless of the outcome. And both have found partners who make them happier.

Just dont want to face it I guess. The feelings are still strong and cant tell why I did have a brief discussion w IC but no clear answer I can cling to. We both will be fine financially but its tearing everything apart that we built that's sad. Not a good reason to hang in there I know.

[Zip]

AS, R2C posted this quote (sorry I am not sure how to copy): My W has said she is a WAS. or atleast told me that fits her sitch.


WAS's are masters of acting "as if". They act like the new life they're pursuing is perfect, the answer to all their hopes and dreams. The reality is she's struggling. There's a storm inside her, she's fighting between wanting to go back to her old life and thinking she needs to pursue a new one. Which will win out is anyone's guess, but don't believe the placid, happy face she's putting on, it's a mask.

Thanks for this post... i find strength that its not just me going through this.

I am thinking this is the case that she is fighting a storm but never shows it. I am like a heartbeat and she is like a flat line... this is what antis up the responses from me for a response that rarely comes until it is full of venum

[Zip]

At the wedding on Sat. the preacher said there were 5 things that can insure a positive marriage. The list is as follows from what i recall

Communication: both verbal and non verbal... you need to communicate when things are good and when they go bad, don't let it stew and blow. Get it out and minimize the problem by talking it out...(my summation which doesnt happen with W.) Much more to it but this is the resounding message.

Anger Management: Don't go to bed mad at each other, try to resolve the anger even if you disagree after you have discussed. Revisit the issue after you have cooler heads, but try to resolve the anger or it will eat you up inside.

Forgiveness: We ALL MAKE MISTAKES and will make them in the future as we are human, Learn to forgive your partner for their mistakes as you will make them yourself. You don't forget, you learn from them and become stronger.

Leave work at work: Don't bring home the problems from your work and impose the feelings on the family. ( have been accused of this and actually felt I must have been oblivious to doing so) I also find it hard that W works from home and never can walk away from her O. It is quite stressful and very maddening when she gets calls from her clients from 6-8pm.


So, with listing the above, I would say the M grade for each one has been at a D+ at best. I asked if the W listened and she said,,,we aren't getting into this now. Good point, just wanted to see if she heard what he said. Not sure we will ever be able to go back and visit these points at this juncture. but i am still hopeful we can.

Ughh

Zip

[Zip]

Why can i still feel so strongly for someone who gives so little back to me, for years.

That is a great question for your IC. You have lots of personal growth work to do.

I am not doing well at all in this personal growth area.. I feel I am having issues working on myself and how to keep my composure let alone trying to improve and grow. Do i need a manual to work through this as I feel quite lost.

[Ready2Change]

I asked if the W listened and she said,,,we aren't getting into this now.

Logic/Talking will not be effective. This is a perfect example.


Coach was very wise:

To change the way they feel about you, you must change the way they think about you.

How do you do that? Most of us vets give the same advice in different words. The easiest and very productive way of changing the way your WAS thinks about you is to - agree with them (validate), drop the rope (let them go), and GAL (take care of yourself, become interesting). When someone comes in my office and is upset about their account the easiest way for me to calm them down is to agree with them. Now they can't be mad at me because we are on the same side of the table. If I try to tell them why they shouldn't be upset (logic) how are they going to respond?

[AnotherStander]

AS thanks for your input. i have been hoping to read input from you on my sitch. I am truly grateful for you, LH, Sandi2 and others for your valuable advice!

Absolutely! It's extremely difficult and painful to navigate this, and it's hard to find people that can relate. I'm happy to help and I know the others here are too.

Well I read both DB and DR.... and I need to read and re read again.

It does help. I read DR fairly regularly when XW wasn't around, and I also found 5 Love Languages and The Happiness Trap very helpful. The Married Man Sex Life Primer too, it can be on the crude side but it helps to understand how some of the "laws of attraction" work. Oh and "Love Must be Tough" was helpful.

Its sooo easy to screw up....and to hit reverse and try backing out is damn near impossible.

One thing it takes a while to realize is that no one thing really matters that much to your sitch. No one thing got you here, no one thing is going to fix your M, and no one thing is going to kill your chances. You're working on an upward trend, not perfection. If you make a mistake (and we all make plenty) then you think about it, learn from it, pick yourself up and keep moving forward.

She then reminds me i said YEARS ago that it would take me 30 days, like my brother, to find another woman, THis is brought up and thrown in my face. So we are not in the heat of an argument. I asked is it a secret as to who your L is? She said no, and its easy to remember, her name is Meredith....just like the friend you have on FB. Well she apparently was told by her sister that I am friends with this woman who I am,, I will drop the friendship immediately and did tell the W when asked who she is, told her she bought some hay from me and has given me some advice on how to handle the sitch. Soo, this has opened up the "I dont trust you at all" and now I am wondering what to do at this time.

Another hard-earned lesson is that right now, she's looking for any and every excuse to hate you. You have a female friend on FB, you said XYZ 28 years ago and she never got over it, you breathe too loud, you chew with your mouth open, you left the toilet seat up 7 years ago. On and on. This is what WAS's do, it helps them justify leaving. How do you deal with it? Listen and validate. "I remember her name because it's the same as your friend on FB, I can't trust you." "It sounds like you are upset, is that how you feel?" "Of course because blah blah blah!!" "I can tell you are upset, I am sorry I made you feel that way." Validation is not agreement, or disagreement, or arguing, it's simply acknowledging she has feelings about something even if you disagree with them. Validation is the most important DB'ing tool in my opinion, read everything you can on it.

"WAS's are masters of acting "as if". They act like the new life they're pursuing is perfect, the answer to all their hopes and dreams. The reality is she's struggling. There's a storm inside her, she's fighting between wanting to go back to her old life and thinking she needs to pursue a new one. Which will win out is anyone's guess, but don't believe the placid, happy face she's putting on, it's a mask."

Thanks for this post... i find strength that its not just me going through this.

This is one that people kept telling me back when I was going through the aftermath of BD and I insisted they didn't know my XW, that she was resolute and sure of herself, confident. Much later my XW actually told me that she was in turmoil, that it tore her up inside and she felt like she was ruining everyone's lives. She said she cried every day. I was wrong and the people here who have never seen or spoken with my XW were right. This person that we think we know so well, they behave differently after BD. There are patterns that the people here on this forum know and recognize that the LBS going through it doesn't because it's all so new to them. Your wife is going through a lot more than you realize which is another reason it's important to give her time and space, and to listen and validate without judgment.