I'm on my fourth marriage. At any point in the breakdowns of my situations, (all infidelity related) alcohol had an extremely negative impact on every aspect of them. Never the cause but it always complicated the interactions.
I like to drink too.
Not a lot but I like to have a drink or two at night or on the weekend to chill. Since my BD on Aug 11, I think I've had maybe 5-10 beers spread over three occasions.
Every time I've had even one beer, my W has been able to bait me into an argument. While in it, I haven't been able to DB, validate or anything successfully. My inhibitions and judgement go out the window because since BD, my mind is always on edge and I'm barely able to control my mouth anyway. My desire to tell her how pissed I am and what she's done to me and my family is always right there.
Just give it up for now or at least when you're around her and find something else to do. If you want to drink, go somewhere where she won't be and don't answer the phone or TMs. If you can't restrain yourself from answering, leave your phone home or where you're not. Whatever you do, don't drink with her.
If you don't, you'll lose.
Just my opinion. Good luck.
Totally agree with ovrr.
Me 56 W 42 T14 M12 ILYBINILWY 08/07/19 BD 08/11/19 Discovered Whaaaat? 2 Kids One DD 30mos Adopted from Foster 12/18 One DS 17mos Adopting First week of Sept 19 Separate BR 08/15/19
I'm on my fourth marriage. At any point in the breakdowns of my situations, (all infidelity related) alcohol had an extremely negative impact on every aspect of them. Never the cause but it always complicated the interactions.
Wow... 4th marriage. You are one brave person I'm considering done with marriages, if this doesn't work out.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Find something better to do like hang out with friends, go play a sport, walk through the pretty part of town,or go read at a coffee shop. Don't go to meet her. She's just seeing if she can control you and to see if you want her bad enough to go pursue her at this meeting. And if you go she's going to toy with you and play mind games.
I really hope WW just wants to discuss how to move forward in any direction, and not playing games. I never thought of her as one to play games, but I guess if someone is to have an A, then they are clearly willing to play games...
I am not going to pursue. I am fully aware that she really needs to figure her stuff out, otherwise this will just happen again in the future. We do have to discuss how to deal with shared finances still while we are in limbo for awhile.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Here's my question to you- do you even want to be married to a serial cheater? Are you holding onto the hope that maybe she will change and stop this behavior? And what if she doesn't?
I thought about this. I guess we both made so many mistakes in our relationship, and we finally hit rock bottom and finally now openly discussing our issues. I would like to have the opportunity to put forth our best selves, understanding that it may still not work out. Maybe that's why everyone is here.
I also realize that this requires WW to want to work on it also, which is hard with AP/OM involved right now.
Looking for more input from vets, and if anyone can get ahold of Sandi, since she is quite the expert on WW
Okay... didn't talk on Saturday like WW had mentioned earlier in the week. WW didn't follow up, and I didn't bother either.
So people just live like this... separated in limbo, and do NC... and this goes on for weeks / months / years? WTF.
When we are in NC... do we respond to text or attempts to meet up to talk, or do we completely ignore if it's not business matter that warrants a response?
What are vet's thoughts on casual dates meeting new people?
So people just live like this... separated in limbo, and do NC... and this goes on for weeks / months / years? WTF.
You can always bail out at any time. Do you want to be divorced?
I think people live in limbo until one or both of them figure out what they want to do.
Originally Posted by LovingIt
When we are in NC... do we respond to text or attempts to meet up to talk, or do we completely ignore if it's not business matter that warrants a response?
How would that be "no contact" if you text each other and meet up to talk?
Originally Posted by LovingIt
What are vet's thoughts on casual dates meeting new people?
You've been with your W for 16 years and that relationship is not over. Do you think you're ready to date? Would it be contrary to your vows? What would be the purpose? What are your girls for your marriage and future relationship(s)? These are questions to ask yourself and think about.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
When we are in NC... do we respond to text or attempts to meet up to talk, or do we completely ignore if it's not business matter that warrants a response?
How would that be "no contact" if you text each other and meet up to talk?
I guess I was confused based on the feedback provided by the vets on here... whether it's absolutely do not contact/reply vs do not initiate contact but reply with short answers and validate. Or is the ladder only used for live-in sitch, and not separated?
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Originally Posted by LovingIt
What are vet's thoughts on casual dates meeting new people?
You've been with your W for 16 years and that relationship is not over. Do you think you're ready to date? Would it be contrary to your vows? What would be the purpose? What are your girls for your marriage and future relationship(s)? These are questions to ask yourself and think about.
I don't think I'm even remotely ready to have a serious relationship. Am I ready to meet some new people for a casual coffee or drink, maybe? It would help me realize there are other people out there, and help me move on?
I'm pretty sure my WW is not holding up her end of the vows. Not that I want to lower my standards to hers.
The hardest thing would be having to explain my sitch to people, or lying by omission. Neither sounds like something I'm willing to do.
Focus on your personal growth. Learn new ways of interacting. Become an Alpha Male. Keep making positive changes to your behavior and your beliefs system.
Start a mantra list, these are two good ones to start with: "I do not share my woman with other men" "I do not want to be with a woman who does not want to be with me"
Seduction is key during this phase. Your wife needs to FEEL like she lost you. You know she wants you back when she is begging "What will it take??" Then you pull back and make her purse you.
You have a big onion to peel, one layer at a time.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Hmmm... WW reached out yesterday to meet to talk today. I have not initiated any contact with her. (In case you have not been following, WW moved out ~3 weeks ago. We had a brief talk ~2 weeks ago.)
There's a lot of conflicting information on how NC / Radio Silence / Going Dark should work... and I don't see the specific in Sandi's rules or MWD's book. It mostly just says don't initiate as it is pursuing, but does not mention on whether to respond.
Some people say ignore the pointless "hey, how are you?" texts (which I do), but do politely respond if it's something "business" related that deserves a response.
Some people say ignore everything 30+ days then reach out / indefinitely until they clearly state they want to R? Not that I'm expecting her to R right now, but I doubt that will be communicated over text or e-mail?
We have some "business" stuff to discuss, but if she wants to talk about how she's feeling, do I continue listen / validate / ask questions, or don't even engage in the feeling conversations?
It's OK to respond if she reaches out, but try to stick to business. No chatty stuff. Try not to initiate unless it's something urgent. If she's doing a lot of "hey how are you" and you're not replying and she asks why, just tell her you need time and space to think about things.
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Some people say ignore everything 30+ days then reach out / indefinitely until they clearly state they want to R? Not that I'm expecting her to R right now, but I doubt that will be communicated over text or e-mail?
I've never heard that, I'm assuming you read that somewhere else. 30 days isn't long enough for a WAS to consider reconciling. More like 10 times that. Or more. This requires abundant patience!
I'm considering done with marriages, if this doesn't work out.