Hi JD. Been there! Lots of us have that T-shirt I imagine.
Yes give her time and space. And then, give her more.
You will go through a few rough patches. That is normal. Don't deny yourself to feel it. Feel it. For me, after 5 months (I haven't seen W for just over a month now), the rough patches are getting much, much shorter. Like minutes rather than hours or days.
Try to avoid the negative patterns. I get it. You'll probably be picturing her talking to her mates about you in a derogatory way, or perhaps missing you alone at home but then refusing to talk to you, talking to her family for hours and trying to convince them all that you "weren't right together", or drunkenly bragging to friends on a night out that she doesn't need you and she'll be 'fine'. Remember - don't believe all they do and say, even months down the line.
One really good phrase that has stuck with me on this thread is "you'll never look stronger than when you are walking away." Or words to that effect anyway. Be strong and detach, GAL, do your 180s (for YOU, not her), and you'll have improved a huge amount. It really doesn't take long. It took about 6-8 weeks for me before people noticed changes. Then show everyone the new you. Friends, family, work. They will support you and reinforce your new, fresher, positive attitude.
Post. And post some more.
Me - 36, W - 32 No kids T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr Discovery - 14 May 2019 S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019 D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Tough.trying to make the changes and every time I'm around her we talk and there's always a connection of some sort only she's in the position of strength and I'm reacting. Real hard not to share how I'm feeling with the person i always shared with for 15 years.
This is the process I guess of facing how unhappy she was and learning to disentangle.
Sorry for the slow reply, I typed this up early yesterday but apparently never sent it:
J, I'll post the castle analogy down at the bottom of this post.
Originally Posted by Jdevast
She invited me to stay for something to eat. I put the kids to bed and she mentioned how the day had seemed too close to normal and to the past and how she would be happier once I have my own place. I validated that the must have been difficult for her.and I left on kinda good terms.
This right here is EXACTLY what the picnic analogy is describing. She suddenly realized where she was and what was happening and ran back into the castle. Good response in just validating.
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At 16years old I have to make the decision to end his suffering.
Oh man, sorry to hear that. That old saying "when it rains is pours" really seems to apply to many of our sitches. Not too long after BD my dad was diagnosed with throat cancer, it's just a lot to have to deal with misery and grief on multiple fronts.
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Yesterday she was crying and I approached her and she set a clear boundary that she didn't want any comfort. Later in the day she again reiterated how she needed a private life. She also stated after meeting friends last night she had yet to cry about the end of our relationship stating she had felt frozen.
That sure seems like adding insult to injury giving what you are going through, but unfortunately WAS's can be so cold and uncaring at times like that. For now she is not who she was. Maybe she will be again some day, but it could be quite a while.
Castle/ picnic analogy (from many years ago):
Imagine that the WAS is inside an impenetrable castle. WAS is deep inside the castle walls and has no desire to see the outside world. WAS has his/her own world right there inside those cold, stone walls.
Then there's you. You're sitting on the other side of the moat (drawbridge is up, btw). You've got a nice blanket laid out on the cool, green grass, and you're enjoying yourself by having a wonderful picnic all alone. You're absolutely content with this, and aren't even concerned with the castle and the WAS within (in fact, you've got your back to it).
Eventually, WAS gets a little curious about the what's going on outside the castle, and decides to take a peek over the walls. WAS sees you, just sitting there enjoying yourself. He/She is surprised, because previously you had been throwing rocks at the castle, singing and dancing in hopes of getting their attention. WAS is wondering what you're up to, and why you're so content. After a while, WAS decides to lower the drawbridge and join you at your picnic. WAS sits down, and you just act as if -- you're happy, confident, etc. Suddenly, WAS realized where he/she is and what he/she is doing, and it scares the hell out him/her. WAS jumps up and dashes back to the castle for no apparent reason. You however, didn't even budge or flinch. WAS peeks back out to see what you're doing, and notices that you're still sitting in the same place, enjoying yourself without concern. Again, WAS is surprised, and eventually comes out again. This time WAS stays a little longer, but again gets spooked and runs back. However, you're still not deterred from enjoying your picnic. The WAS's visits begin to happen more and more, and they last longer and longer. Once he/she realizes that there is no risk for him/her (i.e. that you won't bring up the R, pursue her, get angry, become needy, etc), WAS begins to reflect on things, and begins questioning his/her choice to go to the castle. In time, WAS decides to bring up the R, and this is when you can discuss it with him/her because WAS is ready and has initiated the talk.
THIS is why it is important to avoid pursuing, because it gives the WAS the opportunity to miss you, reflect, see your changes and strength, etc. So, the next time me or anyone else tells you to just enjoy your picnic, you'll know what it means. This is a term that we used a lot this summer, but it kind of went away. I think it describes the pursuit dynamic perfectly. Don't chase the WAS back into the castle and hold him/her captive by standing outside the walls and trying to get his/her attention. As long as this is the case, it is likely that they'd rather starve themselves in their castle than come out.
Ok.thanks guys. This is a bit of a biggy for me today. I have been given a diagnosis of avoident personality disorder with fear of intimacy and depression on top. In some ways I feel relief that I know what I'm working with and a clearer picture of what needs to change and a starting point for how to go about this.
Looking for thoughts and advice as to whether this is something I should share with my wife. On the one hand it might reinforce the idea that I am not desirable and weak or broken ( not the person you would want a relationship with) and on the other it may make sense of the issues in our relationship and combat her narrative that I was withholding affection in order to control and abuse her.
Kinda stuck here as to whether it would help her understand?or if it's the right thing to do.
So I'm feeling extremely anxious about my Wife and kids returning from their holiday tomorrow. She has been communicating about the kids , sending photos and sharing jokes. All of which have I admit raised my hopes probably above where it should be at this time.
There was one morning where she shared that our 6yr old daughter had got lost in the complex and it had really panicked my wife. I could tell she had been worried to tell me. I reassured her and validated how difficult and scary it must have been.
I guess I'm anxious about them returning and that she will remain free of doubt that this is what she wants. This new normal includes me getting the keys to my new place Friday and with the dog gone and a place for the kids to stay the distance between us will have grown considerably. Thus giving her the private life she says she wants.
I guess I feel like I'm not fighting for our relationship by giving her what she wants. Desperately want to know where I stand and if there is any hope right now.
Again I know that this neediness will push her away. Just feel inactive.
This is compounded by her believe I was trying to control her and withholding affection to control her when in fact it was due to some significant issues on my part with fear of intimacy.
Just anxious that when I see her I'm going to struggle to portray that I'm doing fine without her.
