Not willing to quit

[DejaVu6]

Good luck with the job hunt Turbine!! Sounds like your W did not feel very appreciated when you were together and she still has a lot of anger toward you. Yes...mountain out of a molehill. She is telling you there is no hope and she will not go back. It is in your best interest to believe her at this point. Keep DBing and leave her be as much as possible. (((HUGS)))

[Turbine]

Got a text message from W with an attached picture of a court order for her only about owing money (over 2k). She said we should split this.

I asked to see it.

No answer.

Still can't go home.

Seems to be imploding here. She wants help with stuff but on her terms. I want some reciprocal but to be honest I am not holding my breath. Blue skin doesn't look good on me...

Tomorrow is last day at Fermi. I hate leaving in the middle of the job but it is what it is.

My mind set isn't quit so Wifecentric either. Some but not as much.

[Turbine]

New text message from her.
"You gonna pick up your mail today?"

Not responding right away. Really tempted to answer along the lines that "I'll be by to sort through it sure."

[Turbine]

Her reply: Reply: "What time will you be here? If you don't have a truck to put your stuff then I am only put the mail out in front the house. Thanks for your cooperation."


Cooperation? Really not very cooperative. So I haven't responded yet. Annoyed yes, a bit upset but that is not useful so...

Truck on Sunday evening? Missing some rational thoughts here. Not to be expected from her.

[kas99]

I read your whole story. Google “divorced dads forum” and read read read. It would help I think for you to talk to men who have been where you are. Men who can support you. You’ll be surprised at how common your situation is.

(((Hugs)))

[Turbine]

Well I feel less than stellar. Oh, this will be very disjointed stream of conscious type post.

Finished my time at Fermi. I will be starting a new job Monday as a manual machinist. Been a long time since I did that but the skills are there. Rusty but there. Got to get my tools from the garage. Fortunately that isn't attached to the house not is it locked.

W texted me about dinner. To talk. I suggested her favorite Chinese restaurant and the day she texted. She couldn't and suggested Friday. So we did. Just the two of us.

I ate a bowl of won ton soup and drank a cup of tea. She had her clam soup, Beef with mushrooms and shrimp toast. Initially splitting the check. I ordered a trio plate but didn't eat it. I sent all the leftovers with her at the end of the meal.

I listened but not enough I suppose. She said she has a boyfriend. We are still married... Does she really? or just saying that to hurt me? Does it matter? No it hurts true or not.

She isn't relenting about my going home. Nor getting back together. I'm not willing to stop yet. I don't feel it is over. I love her and yes it was a mess.

She thought after my parents were gone I would go back to church. When she asked I said no. Now.... too late apparently. BTW church hymns have been running through my head.

Dealing with the estate, the trust, my sister... in over my head. W didn't understand the trust stuff either.

So over the dinner (ha) she mentioned buying her out for $40K. So half my inheritance. She didn't say it that way, she did mention the dollar amount only. To which I replied the inheritance... which was supposed to be for us to retire with. Got defensive about that. Said do that and I can go home. She won't be there though. I don't want the house. i want her.

I still don't know how to let go of her. Yes she is hurting me. Because I am letting her.

I paid the dinner. Tied the leftover bags together. Thanked her and said we haven't agreed on anything. I got up and took my jacket and walked out without looking back. No tears, no raving, no scene.

I stopped and had a scoop of the flavor of the day at my favorite frozen custard shop. Pumpkin cheesecake.

Lots of pain from her in her comments. One known mistake was commenting negatively on the "boyfriend". I forgive her. I love her still after all this. So why can't I let go? I messed up and never seemed to measure up to what her ideal was.

I've said before that I thought she was perfect for me, flaws and all. Never thought divorce was an option. Worst thing I ever said was about her doing that. I told her that tonight. Probably a mistake since she knows she has a rope there. Well past string.

So tomorrow morning I will be going to see a previous boss. Asked me to stop by for coffee, a talk and some ideas he has. Sure. Church tomorrow night. Which makes me have to think about am I really going for me or for her. I have to say the last time I went to Catholic mass it felt wrong. I tried one of these new evangelical churches and that place was a little to lax during their service. So... yeah... I'm there. which doesn't sound very convincing though.

Did the terminally stupid monster show up. Yeah... I need to kick that to the curb so hard that it will never come back. Because I thought about stuff again. Sprawled across the hood of her car, knife on the ground and blood everywhere. That eliminates any chance of R. Shows a serious lack of trust in God too. But I did think it. I also tossed it out.

Our S got married yesterday. W wasn't there. Not sure she knows or was given the chance to attend. Not mine to share. Likely I will be blamed though.

Definitely feeling a major fight with depression right now. I can't make her happy not expect her to be my source of being happy. I want to share the future with her though. To make the memories that I expected us to make.

It seems that I am still very much broken. I am trying to grow and be improved. For me for us for her. There is the problem right. For her and it is obvious. Needy and unattractive. Not exactly feeling the love fro myself right now. I don't want to be a "nice" guy. I want to be a good man.

[Traveler]

I did wonder if the 3rd person part before was written by a boyfriend:

Her: That partner it wasn't really yours, thats why this what happened. You don't take care of her nor depend. You treat her like a slave, she will never go back. You call her bitch. Ther's nothing for you to hope. You just wasting your time.

It seems that I am still very much broken. I am trying to grow and be improved.

Everyone has cracks. It makes you human. Rock on with your self-improvement!

[Turbine]

I feel so horrible today. Driving to my house I was overcome with tears, rage, anger and it ended when the tears stopped. My son and I installed a home made flag pole from 1 inch steel pipe. I wanted to break it off. I want to disable the lock to the house. Stupid and petty revenge garbage and I won't because I KNOW I will get screwed for it. She can do stuff like change the locks and nothing.

If there is a boyfriend... I don't know what I will do. We are still married.
This hurts so much. I live in the Chicago suburbs. Wrong neighborhood, mouth off, flash the wrong hand sign or too much cash and voila... taken out by a gang banger.

I want my wife... and many of her actions are blocking or indicate never.

Early morning sprawled across the hood of her fancy car, a knife on the ground where it fell from my hand and blood everywhere. She wouldn't care. I would have shared the pain and gained what? Eternal damnation?

What do I do about these thoughts? Keep them hidden, unvoiced or expressed to fester and grow, slowly poisoning my spirit? I want to be home, sleep in my bed, cook and eat in our kitchen. Except she is adamant about that. Wants me to sign the divorce papers before I can come back. Looks like I will be out until the court date. Maybe she will be held in contempt. Jail time? I don't want that for her, or for me. I feel so boxed in by all this.

Yeah, I messed up. I don't want to be that man. I want a fair chance. I want to love her and not smother her.
No texts since I left last night. I want to though. I want my pain to be gone. I am in a hole and not only am I still digging the dirt is being shoveled back in on top of me. It feel like the court system is doing it. My friends say let her go. My family does too. My minister says stay strong. I'm not sure that sitting with Midnight (daughter's cat) Susan (daughter's dog) Bailey (used to be our dog) would help.

I want her and she says " I don't love you. I have no feelings for you. I have a boyfriend."

I'm so emotionally a wreck. I don't feel like there are any wins here. Just a continuous chain of losses.
Does writing this help? IDK... Mahal... lets try please.

I can't ask her... she throws it back in my face. Pain for pain?

[Traveler]

Early morning sprawled across the hood of her fancy car, a knife on the ground where it fell from my hand and blood everywhere. She wouldn't care. I would have shared the pain and gained what? Eternal damnation?

What do I do about these thoughts? Keep them hidden, unvoiced or expressed to fester and grow, slowly poisoning my spirit?

Turbine, you can share here, but please speak to a therapist a.s.a.p. if you're having suicidal fantasies. Pain that deep sometimes needs a specialist to help with the healing.

If there is a boyfriend... I don't know what I will do. We are still married.

For many--including me when I left my ex-wife--once served and separated the marriage is done. It sounds like you see yourself as married to her, but she does not see herself as married to you.

Hopefully, you'll build a stronger Turbine, that will awe you, your ex, and others!

[IHCLACS]

Hey Turbine. I understand how you feel about all the losses. It makes you feel as a failure for living up to someone else's expectations of you. That you incorrectly chose, said, and did in the past, that the treatment that you gave was not enough for them, that the guilt will be there to haunt you, that you want to make good on those things now, and you can't, that you are no longer a priority, loved, or considered, that they treat everyone else well but us now. That we want to change, that we want to control our emotions from all this negative external stimuli and treatment, that we want things to be fair with the courts, when its clearly biased. That we want to fight for what's right, and yet when we do, people don't respect it because they can't get their way. Looking for reactivity from a person that no longer wants us is fruitless. Revenge is fruitless. (Trust me I know I can have the same mindset at times.) I've realised that those that cannot control their emotions make bad decisions for the short term, and have heavy consequence. One moment of justice is not worth a lifetime of regret. So please. Stop the attention seeking from your Ex. I know it is hard to value yourself and your life right now, with the world caving in around you with all the losses. Emotionally, financially, spiritually, physically,

If you're ex has a BF that is partially a reflection of you, for who you WERE in the relationship, but it is mostly a reflection OF HER. We are all chasing the dragon in a sense, of being a better version of ourselves, of finding new joyful experiences in life, purpose, and novelty. And we need to make that healthy distinction. Being alone right now with no one to connect to with all the fear, insecurity, lack of life direction, loss and rejection of a loved one, being completely broke, wife replacing you, your home, your social life, your family, your dreams, being homeless and not having a place to live, is by far the most paralyzing experience anyone can have. I understand as a Man you probably feel victimized by all this, disrespected, discarded, betrayed and punished for past mistakes. Its like the ex is taking the actions and the courts are the enforcer. Keep your focus on what you can control, but please please take time to heal too. Im sure you probably feel stuck beteeen the past and scared about the future, and the emotions are keeping you paralyzed there from taking action and changing course with the flow of things. Try to get into the flow, learn, adapt, feel, but control too. Your a military guy right? If you don't do xyz, if you don't detach, if you cast your critical thinking aside. You will drown.

l I've been using YouTube as a distraction from my real priorities lately to help me with my emotional triggers, it has been somewhat preventing me from focusing on what I really should be doing, but every time o want to kick punch, scream, or yell, every time I feel reactive from Ex's actions, I go to it to it for answers to find my worth, my strength and my desire to live. The bible, prayer, and God help too. But I notice that when I find people with ways of changing how I view the world, it has a stronger impact. There is this guy called Jay Shetty on YouTube who has had a significant impact about life relationships, how people interact, and how to heal and grow. His videos have been really helping me with my hurt, anger, jealousy, and perspective the last few days. Please look him up. He may change your mind on how you are viewing yourself and your sich. Your pain, help you to let go, and carry forward.