Quotes Found on DivorceBusting (8)

[Ready2Change]

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DS -

I'm in NGS recovery myself.

I have a pretty simple mindset about it all. What's mine is mine, and what's yours is yours. I own my emotional stuff, you own yours.

Once you start to take control of your happiness, you may get some backlash. You must resist the temptation to cave in to the backlash. This is not "going out and being an alpha male and doing whatever the heck you want". This is owning your own happiness, just like every human being has the right to do. It helps to also have faith that this will not just help you, but it will make all your relationships healthier, including the one with your partner (even if you end up splitting).

What makes you happy? If you don't know, start with little things. Experiment. It can be really really small. I started buying cage-free eggs. It took literally zero effort or time. But the difference in taste when I have eggs in the morning is priceless. It makes me incrementally happier. It sounds stupid... I would have never started doing this until I went through my situation.

I can't remember if I saw this here on DB forums or elsewhere, but I am a math nerd:

1.00^365 = 1.00
1.01^365 = 37.78

Little changes, over time, add up.

[Ready2Change]

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I am in my 11th month post-BD and feeling really good. I continue to have zero thoughts of reconciliation. I can do much better than her. I won't ever give my precious limited time on this planet to someone who does not treat me well. I stuck with her for years and ground it out because we had kids together. She probably would say the same LOL. But what she might say doesn't matter to me at this point. I know my flaws, I know what I could have done better in responding to her shyt, I've done the work to figure that out and am still doing work on me. I'll never stop doing work on me, never again, that's my promise to myself and my kids and the eventual new lover in my life.

Even if I would have made every perfect move with my W I don't know that things would have worked out. I don't know that I could have stopped that nasty, snide, critical spew from her. She's always, according to her family, had that part of her personality. Whatever flaws I have, whatever mistakes I made, didn't create her issues. They pre-existed in her before she even knew I was alive.

So I am feeling great. I have been hitting the gym hard, which is a key element to my mindset. I've buffed up my wardrobe. Eating very healthy every day, drinking lots of water, very little sugar. Trying to get at least 7 hours of sleep. Digging back in at work, which was the one thing I was letting slip. Keeping my haircut short, getting to the Dr. and Dentist, staying on top of my health. Spending quality time with friends and getting out and about. Finances are in very good shape despite the pending D. And connecting deeper with my kids. Life is pretty awesome right now.

[Ready2Change]

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One policy I made early in my divorce (but didn’t announce), worth considering, is I talked to my ex about her concerns during her custody time. I didn’t want to feel “down” or upset or be distracted during my time. It definitely cut down on the time spent discussing her complaints and she was in a better mood those days, maybe also had time to cool down.

[Ready2Change]

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The tears stemming from our failure of our M have not been observed for the better part of 4 months now. The horrible pain I was going through all of last year and the first part of this year have now dulled to an ache that flares up every now and then. My heart hurts during the flare up, but I close my eyes and tell myself that the journey that came of it is one of the best things to have happened to me. As awful as the experience was, I truly could not and would not be the man I am working on becoming had this sitch not occurred. I am still working on my NGS. Right now, I am working on getting the balls to turn my photography into a paying side gig. I won't go into details, but the NMMNG book tells me that the excuses I am making for the effort of my photography gig is classic nice guy behavior....

Speaking of sex, the stuff I learned from here and the NMMNG book taught me to be more communicative and confident of what I want. I told her about the things I want to try with her upfront instead of trying to win "brownie points" in the hopes I can smooth my way into performing certain sexual acts..... the book She Comes First has been a great resource. Applying the guidelines from that book has allowed me to embrace and enjoy the moment with her. Sex feels genuine and nothing feels forced, even if it feels like our session feels fast (sometimes 5 minutes but we both end up satisfied).


I am genuinely, truly happy everyone. I would not be this person today had it not been for your love and support.

[Ready2Change]

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You're applying way too much pressure to her. All the R talks have got to cease immediately. Quit trying to hug her and grill her and talk to her and snoop on her. Stop all of it! What should you do instead? NOTHING. Pull back. Leave her alone. Give her time and space. Find solitude and ask yourself what you want from a spouse, then look at what you've had for the last X years. No sex for 3 years? Brother if there's no medical reason for that I would have helped her pack and held the door open for her a LONG time ago. Why are you putting up with this misery? DON'T! Detach and leave her to her mess. You are worth more than this. If you effectively detach and find yourself then she may very well realize what she's losing and have a change of heart, but as long as you remain desperate and needy she is going to want nothing to do with you. Have you read DR yet? Read it, read Cadet's links, read other sitches here. Ask questions. But most of all leave your W alone for now.

[Ready2Change]

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Listening with empathy isn't easy. I often try to paraphrase (use different words) which makes me focus more on her message and tests that I really understood what I thought she was saying.

Bad active listening:
Wife: "I hate it when you do things like that."
Husband: "You hate it when I do things like that."

Good active listening:
Wife: "I hate it when you do things like that."
Husband: "It really frustrates you when I don't put the toilet seat down?"

In the above scenario:
Her: "You aren't learning to communicate because all I'm doing is repeating back what I say!"
Him: "You don't feel like I'm hearing you, because I parroted what you said."
Her: "Yes!! Could you stop that?"
Him: "I'll try!"

[Ready2Change]

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DBX, I was in a similar sitch. W was staying in another room of the house, absolutely certain she was going to divorce me, but was happy to make dinner for the two of us, watch TV together, I cleaned up. No arguments, no anger. Maybe not as many conversations as you. Two questions I had to answer were: 1) is she being my lover and partner, or is she being a friend? 2) what do I want?

For me, this was absolute friendzone, maybe a bit of her using me, too (we also maintained the illusion of family for our daughter, giving W more time and more control over the relationship). As to the second question, I want a wife, not a friend. So, I stopped being her friend. It's been a challenge to balance because I naturally like people and want to be around them. I had to force myself to limit myself to being cordial, not sharing too much. What I'll tell you specifically is that you need to GAL and do 180s. Go ahead and make dinner, but bring it to a friend's house. Or make it for yourself, not her. Eat early, eat late, whatever, but you aren't her cook. Maybe have people over. Whatever it is, do what you enjoy, and do new things.

Final thought: if you keep doing what you've always done, you can't expect a different result. Whatever narrative your W has for you, you are confirming it every time you do what you've done before. I can't tell you what the right answer is but I can tell you the wrong one: doing what you've done before.

[Ready2Change]

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"Picking up extra shifts" at work when commonly wasn't done before definitely stands out as a red flag and potential OM to me. May not be the actual case, but is definitely a red flag. Watch their actions and not their words. New racy underwear clothing makeup products gym memberships, GGW. Any kind of unusual behavior changes. Again on this may not mean anything and I don't intend to drive you crazy, but keep an eye out for things that don't add up by their actions and behaviors. another thing and they're probably not going to get this cuz they want their way, and most likely want to have it both ways and cake eat. Do not offer up anything for free unless the favor and the expectation is understood and returned. Your time is valuable you are valuable and so is your self-respect. Some people have a hard time understanding this and may see you as being difficult or punitive, but don't let them use you for money Savers can exchanges or as Plan B backup. If things don't add up subtract yourself from the situation.

[Ready2Change]

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I just want to offer some support. You seem to recognize in your writing that this is not about you. Can I reiterate that for you? This is NOT ABOUT YOU. Just in case you are wavering at all.

When a S leaves like this and especially in this way they are trying to vilify you to make it "okay" in their mind what they are doing. That's why he is acting so horrid. You can't leave a lovely spouse in a peaceful fashion, right? There has to be a reason. So he is digging deep to find any tiny thing wrong with you to announce that to the world so he isn't wrong for what he is doing.

I say this so you don't internalize his hatred. That is the last thing I want to happen to you. Also it seems he is trying to gaslight you and I am SO impressed you're having none of it. Stay strong.

[Ready2Change]

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Quit overthinking things. You need to toughen up. That was the point of my Mencken quote from the other day. You need to get an edge to you. I'm not saying to be disrespectful, but women are attracted to men with an edge.

You can show leadership in a way other than facilitating a divorce you don't want. I would let her pick the agent and stay out of it. It's not hard and she's a big girl. If she wants to be single she can figure it the hell out. Just tell her that she can handle the home sale and leave it at that. If she presses further you say "I thought this is what you wanted". And then say no more. End of conversation, you have somewhere to be and something to do.