Quotes Found on DivorceBusting (8)

[Ready2Change]

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I like a guy to say he just wants to be with me. Spend time with me, cuddle with me, whatever. It’s nice to know you are wanted.

What isn’t good is being jealous, or nasty and cranky when you are turned down for those things and you don’t get your way.

However, this usually works much better when you are in a good place. She will be receptive to it if she is comfortable with you and wanting to spend time with you. If she isn't feeling you, she won’t be receptive.

[Ready2Change]

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I take advice and apply it . If it works .....I do more of it . Balancing between not coming off cold or as you may think being a jerk or not caring is tough . Trial and error . ....something someone said to me on here just stuck with me "It will never get better if I do the same" .

[Ready2Change]

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I see my W trying. It's like she is fighting alarm bells going off in her head. She told me that during BD - she felt like there were three people inside her head all screaming to be heard at once

That's when I knew this was definitely not about me. That's when I cranked up the empathy studies.

[Ready2Change]

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I have heard it all from the other side now. I get it. Listen to the vets here. Everything they are saying is for a reason! Those times he saw me moving on, and focusing on myself, and when I didn't attack him and became more approachable, he seconded guessed himself 100 fold. But only when it was genuine, not when I was trying to trap him.

I am not sure why I decided to make an acct and post after all these years, and this is somewhat impulsive. But if you have a spouse thick in an A or fog, I just might be able to give you some additional insight. Because what they are saying and doing is often 90% based on fear and emotions. There is little rational going on in their heads. Or there wasn't in the case of my H; a lot of fear, anger, and self-doubt.

[Ready2Change]

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Just tread lightly. Many people told me piecing is very different from BDing. Very. Depending upon your w, being clear honest and open is helpful. No doubt she knows of you need for affection (sex or otherwise) I think you struggle with "I shouldn't have to ask" thinking that we all get from time to time. (I had that same line of thought too many times).

But I look at it like I have no problem expressing my other needs to my wife. None. do you? Do you wait until she's hungry to ask about dinner? Do you sit in a cold house waiting for her to change the temp or close a window? if the TV was too loud would you just keep it that way without asking her about it? Do you go to bed when she's tired?

But like I said it takes a heck of a long time. I felt "stuck" for a couple of years. Honestly, I think some couples probably never get unstuck and decide to stay together for other reasons.

[Ready2Change]

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It is important to be able to identify the real areas needing positive growth, because we all have them and have not been perfect. But I warn you and encourage you, don't approach it from your W's narrative and start going down the road of believing everything she claims about you. I know how easy it is. Work on knowing and trusting yourself and identifying your true areas needing work, from the place where you know your truth and your W has not infected it.

[Ready2Change]

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Found myself reading the DB and DR books and now want to re read them again. Great stuff! But with that said, I am finding myself second guessing my work as well as being very confused as to what I want. I am learning and growing in areas I should have been working on for years. Although there are many areas I found myself strong in, I am angry that I continued to lack in areas which, if I knew then what I know now would have potentially been a game changer for the M. Now I find myself getting angry at myself.....Realizing slowly it’s about ME, and not her at this point.

[Ready2Change]

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It begins with unresolved resentment that she's tried to push down and go on with her life, but it's still there in her heart. She may carry this unresolved resentment for years, and the H may have no idea. Since her sexual desire is tied to her level of respect for her H, sexual intimacy flies out the window pretty fast. Many couples have a SSM for years, and the H thinks she simply has a low drive.........no, she doesn't respect him, and that's the problem in the bedroom. Eventually, the loss of respect and unresolved resentment will breed and other negative attitudes are born. Selfishness becomes a big proponent, suggesting she deserves better, or this is her time to do what she wants, etc. The little signs of disrespect come more to the surface in forms of rebellion. Eventually the little signs grow into all out rebellion. She rebels against her H, the marriage.

[Ready2Change]

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The vets that post here have been here a longtime, have seen just about everything, and have even been through it themselves. If you let go of your preconceived notions, and try to have an attitude of openness, even if you don't agree with it initially, you will find that this place has a lot of value.

Being confused at this stage is NORMAL. But don't let your confusion ignore good advice, or cause you to shutdown to advice that goes counter to your feelings.

As cadet said, DBing is largely counter-intuitive, but that is what makes it work.

[Ready2Change]

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Beyond not lasting, if you silently change for someone else, there's a higher chance of resentment. You run the danger of a covert contract, something NMMNG advocates frequently warn about. If your marriage is failing because you rarely listen and don't keep the house up to their standards--fix the listening. Pick the change that would be a positive one in your life that you'd want to make regardless of whether they return to your life or not. You'll resent keeping the house up to their standards if they don't decide to return.

(If they do return, you can always work out an explicit contract where they get more of what they want--e.g., house to their standards--in return for them putting in more of that effort or doing things for you!)