I’m still flabbergasted that you don’t have 50/50 custody with D14. Blows my mind!
D14 wants 50/50 now but it's not so simple. Presently D17 and S19 are living with me in a super tiny house. For D14 to do 50/50 she'd have to stay in my room which is fine except for S19. WAH chose D14 over S19. He rented her this nice, big house and 50/50 means she gets the best of both worlds. S19 is angry because he thought WAH would be fair and we'd each have similar standards of living.
CW he threw me under the bus early and often. We aren’t going to be co parents. Ever. He left D14 sitting in an empty house, the house I just cleaned out while he works retail. Her bedroom is there but there is no food, cups, or internet. He has no idea. Says they will move tonight you know after work....on a school night.
This is how much he hates me.
I doubt he hates you, he just doesn't love you or want to be married to you anymore. I've read before that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's ambivalence. I've certainly seen that a lot here and even with my own sitch, the WAS doesn't hate the LBS they just don't have any feelings for them and don't want to be married to them anymore. He lost his feelings and now you are separated.
You keep comparing house size, why is that? Is that really that important to you? Because from where I am sitting you are the one coming out the big winner in this separation. Why? Because all the kids want to be with you. What is more important than that? Your H is working his life away all for what, so he can have a bigger house that he never spends time in because he's working? Meanwhile you're spending quality time with your kids. I would choose a smaller house with more time with my kids over a bigger house EVERY SINGLE TIME. Count your blessings.
D14 called me crying hysterically at 1am this morning. WAH moved her at 8:45pm on a school night. He left her in an empty house for 6 hours with no food (I was not aware of this). He took her to the store at 9:45 to buy her food and toiletries. He hasn't parented in 6.5 months and has forgotten how. He asked what brands she used and she said she didn't know because I buy everything for her (she was too upset to think straight). WAH doesn't know that she was crying because she hid it from him which isn't hard to do because he doesn't want to know. D14 feels guilty because she chose this, feels bad for him, and doesn't want to hurt his feelings hence the 50/50.
WAH is working 80+ hours a week. S19 says he wants to cut back but says WAH is struggling financially. He's got hefty medical bills, multiple deposits. rent on 2 places, has to buy all new appliances, attorney bills, etc. Obviously this will end eventually but it's going to take some time. I'm thinking on the low end this will cost him $15k.
I make $2k a month and my rent (lowest I could get) is $1,200 a month. He's on his own.
He took her to the store at 9:45 to buy her food and toiletries. He hasn't parented in 6.5 months and has forgotten how. He asked what brands she used and she said she didn't know because I buy everything for her (she was too upset to think straight).
Could you text her a list of all her favorite brands that she could share with him?
Originally Posted by "Kas99"
D14 feels guilty because she chose this, feels bad for him, and doesn't want to hurt his feelings hence the 50/50.
"Wow, I'm sorry we made you choose sides. We're the parents and should've made this decision, after asking your feelings. I'm going to make 50/50 happen. That's the court default if any of us requests it, anyways."
Your S19 would then have to choose between switching homes (seeing WAH 50% of the time) or staying under one roof (seeing D14 50% of the time). Win-win in terms of familial relations either way, no?
You keep comparing house size, why is that? Is that really that important to you? Because from where I am sitting you are the one coming out the big winner in this separation. Why? Because all the kids want to be with you. What is more important than that? Your H is working his life away all for what, so he can have a bigger house that he never spends time in because he's working? Meanwhile you're spending quality time with your kids. I would choose a smaller house with more time with my kids over a bigger house EVERY SINGLE TIME. Count your blessings.
I'm afraid he will win them over with the big, nicer house. He's trying really hard to accomplish this too. I've got more time and he's got more money. He will have to work a lot for the next 3 years yes but then he will get a substantial pension buy down which is enough to pay cash for a house.
I don't know why I think my kids can be bought. I suspect it's due to my own childhood issues. I think why would they choose me when he is so much better and wealthier then me. Make sense?
Could you text her a list of all her favorite brands that she could share with him?
I'm frugal so it's just cheap stuff nothing special.
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"Wow, I'm sorry we made you choose sides. We're the parents and should've made this decision, after asking your feelings. I'm going to make 50/50 happen. That's the court default if any of us requests it, anyways."
She was crying so I'm not sure how she feels. I'm guessing. She may calm down once the dust settles.
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Your S19 would then have to choose between switching homes (seeing WAH 50% of the time) or staying under one roof (seeing D14 50% of the time). Win-win in terms of familial relations either way, no?
There is no pleasing everyone but D14 and that is the problem.
Look I'm spinning. I've spent two nights in this house and I'm struggling with accepting that this is my life now. Struggling to accept that he'd rather work 80 hours a week and not see his kids much just to not be married to me. I'm posting because I need help. I can't focus at work, I'm upset and I need to pull it together.
How can that be a better life than the one he walked out on? I was a terrible wife I know. Mentally ill, crazy as he called me, angry, and yes I can see where it would be worth it. I guess I thought I had a sliver of a chance down the road but he's not sad at all.
S19 complimented me by saying I haven't had one issue in 6 months of taking the new med. Said it's sad that I fixed it too late. Said if I had I might still be married. I did this. I caused this and now I have to live with it.
My kids have chosen me ironically because I'm doing better than he is. Weird right? Its surreal because for 19 years he was the better parent, the fun one, the one who took care of everything when I couldn't. Thing is the kids say none of this is true it was just the depression talking.
I need someone to talk to and that's why I'm posting. I'm fully aware that I'm being ridiculous.
Yes I was depressed but I worked hard to be a good mother and a good wife. Yes I messed up and he couldn't forgive me. Started talking to some dumb man online (friend) which led to him digging into my past. My past combined with mental illness is what made him leave. He couldn't get past it and that's when I knew my days were numbered. I couldn't BE normal and do what I needed to do for him to forgive me. I tried, I really tried. Sadly I can do it now but it's too little too late.
This is why I thought if he dated or even slept with someone else we'd be equal (my number is higher) and he wouldn't be so angry with me.
He wasn't indifferent he was angry and sad. He still loved me and was attracted to me but was in pain. Saw this as his only option to find relief. I said he'd been planning to leave me for years but the decisions he made don't line up. We were still talking about the future until the time I think he planned this. I'm going with 3 months which lines up with when he started stockpiling cash and why he didn't consult an attorney first.
The likely reason he hasn't filed yet is because the divorce haze wore off. He realized this wouldn't be quick or easy so he shifted his focus back to earning as much money as possible to pay for all this.
