It is difficult trying to balance the right I think your W being super busy is normal, but more importantly it is out of your hands. What does NMMNG say to do about those things?
Well, the sticking point here is that I don't have any evidence that she's *not* doing the work she needs to do, either. I'm only assuming what she's doing at this point; the only real indicator I have of this is MC, which she agrees that we should still attend.
Long story short and to answer your question, NMMG would simply say to set boundaries (I've already said that I refuse to be a Plan B), and to let go of things you cannot control, such as her actions and motivations.
Well, as might be expected, the topic of actions and motivations is rearing it's ugly head again.
As I mentioned, WAW started a new job recently, and as a result, it's been very hard to find time for us to attend MC. Our counselor doesn't have night sessions, and WAW doesn't want to upset the apple cart at her new job by taking 90 minutes out of her day to attend sessions.
I'm not pleased with this, because I don't have any indications at all that she's actually doing anything close to what she said she needed the separation for. We're not working on anything, as far as I can tell she's not really any closer to an understanding of what she wants -- all that's happening is this purgatory where everything is in limbo.
(For some time reference, married two years, together seven, no kids, separated for four months.)
So, I'm torn. Common advice on here seems like it would be to detach, not put pressure on the situation, and focus on my own growth. NMMG might recommend voicing your displeasure, and not allowing yourself to feel like a secondary option or for your time to be wasted.
I'm not pleased with this, because I don't have any indications at all that she's actually doing anything close to what she said she needed the separation for. We're not working on anything, as far as I can tell she's not really any closer to an understanding of what she wants -- all that's happening is this purgatory where everything is in limbo.
A lot of WAS's request separation so they can "get their head on straight" and "decide what they want". The LBS will willingly let them go and even help them if they think it's the way forward to recon. But that isn't really what the WAS wants, they just want out and they are dangling the false carrot of hope just to make things a little easier on themselves. It seems pretty clear your W was no interest in recon at this time. You've been S'd for 4 months, that probably seems like forever but it's really not that long. If she decides she wants back in the M it's likely to be at least twice that long.
Quote
So, I'm torn. Common advice on here seems like it would be to detach, not put pressure on the situation, and focus on my own growth. NMMG might recommend voicing your displeasure, and not allowing yourself to feel like a secondary option or for your time to be wasted.
I think NMMNG would have been to say something before she left. Something like "I would prefer for you to stay and work on the M, but if you choose to go then I will accept your decision" and then if she leaves, let her go and be done with her. It's too late to say something now, you're already separated. It's done. She doesn't want back, if she did you would be the first to know. So let her go, focus on you and give her maximum time and space.
So, I'm torn. Common advice on here seems like it would be to detach, not put pressure on the situation, and focus on my own growth. NMMG might recommend voicing your displeasure, and not allowing yourself to feel like a secondary option or for your time to be wasted.
Any thoughts?
Your question is framed in a way that maybe you are trying to control what happens.
Sometimes we get a little cultish here about standing our ground and being that lighthouse forever. Don't confuse the issue. The goal is not to win your W back. The goal is to become a healthier, happier Steve. 99 times out of 100 taking that time and space to work on ourselves and let go of the rope is the right decision.
But sometimes I think it isn't the right decision.
At some point, that may mean telling your W this isn't working for you. Or it might mean buckling down and detaching and focusing on yourself, continuing to stand. The more you go through this process, the more I think you will get in touch with your inner values and feelings. And this will help drive you to make confident, self-assured decisions about what you want to do next.
The problem I have with NMMNG is that us NGs can pretty easily do the "detach and relieve pressure" thing. It's not natural for us maybe, but it feels like we are "doing" something healthy and it certainly gets rid of any clingy or codependent behaviors. But real NG recovery involves being able to speak up for ourselves - the issue is that NGs have trouble even figuring out what their "self" wants to say. I'm not sure if this resonates for you, but it is how I feel. I am gradually getting in touch with my values, and with that, I become more confident. Once you hit a certain level of confidence, I think you will know internally what you want to do, whether that is continuing to stand, speaking up, moving on, what have you.
I'm encouraging you to focus on your values to make your decisions. We can give you advice what to say or do, but you will feel much happier about your decisions if they come from within, especially if you feel they are driven from your core values.
So, I'm torn. Common advice on here seems like it would be to detach, not put pressure on the situation, and focus on my own growth. NMMG might recommend voicing your displeasure, and not allowing yourself to feel like a secondary option or for your time to be wasted.
I see. So, it sounds like you feel torn between focusing on self-improvement while you wait for her to turn around, and voicing your displeasure and moving on.
The easy parts: First, self-improvement is good no matter what you do! Second, I think it's fine to voice your displeasure--once! No whining. After voicing your preferences, accept the outcome and make your moves.
"Wait" vs. "Hold Out" is hard, no? That's where DETACH and GAL are great. They straddle the line. I mean, whether you reconcile or date being 10# lighter with a stronger social circle and a more interesting life won't hurt! At some point hopefully you'll have the same answer everyday and it'll be time to act.
Just wanted to do some venting, because it's much better to do it here than elsewhere.
As I've posted before, WAW has just taken a new job. It's a great spot for her, and I'm glad to see her back in the working world. She had a solid career going before, but decided she wanted to give being an artist full-time a shot about two years ago, which we were able to do due to some great advancements in my career. It didn't work out - and caused a lot of stress between us - and now she's back to it.
We used to have bi-weekly MC sessions, which I've said to her and on here were important to me as a vehicle for us to keep working through problems, communicating, and moving forward. She's put a stop to it, using her new job as the reasoning, saying that she cannot find time with her new schedule to meet during the week. Meanwhile, I'm a C-level exec with a 80-person org, but I digress..
Anyway, since I'm terrible at detaching, this has got me in a bad mental spot. I don't think she's trying very hard, and I really have no evidence to prove otherwise. This just feels like the status quo for her. I don't know what she needs to figure out, or anything.
Not going to whine about it to her though. I've said my peace once: this is important to me. She is choosing to not take action to show me that it is important to her. It's frustrating and it hurts.
Steve, drop the MC. Your W's head isn't in it. You've got to forget these pretenses of thinking that you are piecing because you are not, and you need to fully embrace DB'ing. Get out and GAL. Give her time and space. If she decides she's ready to work on things you will be the first person to know. Until then LEAVE HER ALONE. If she asks why you've changed then tell her you realized her heart wasn't in it and you've decided YOU need some times and space from HER to weigh your options.
We are all terrible at detaching, but if we work it at we do get better at it. What new hobbies have you found now that you aren't spending as much time with you W? I regret not taking advantage of my separation more than I did and getting out more.
AS, I think Steve is saying that his W cancelled the MC already due to her new job.
Quote
Not going to whine about it to her though. I've said my peace once: this is important to me. She is choosing to not take action to show me that it is important to her. It's frustrating and it hurts.
Gotta drop those expectations! Can't believe anything she says and only half of what she does!
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
What new hobbies have you found now that you aren't spending as much time with you W? I regret not taking advantage of my separation more than I did and getting out more.
I don't know if they're new per se, but definitely getting back to the old, more fit me - lots of soccer, flag football, and softball with friends. Gym on top of that. I've never felt or looked better from a purely physical perspective.
I am definitely having a hard time expanding my social circle given that I've generally had the same friend group for fifteen years and became so used to having a partner right there to do things with. That's the hardest ask of the two.
Thank you both for the input - I'm just having such a hard time right now trying to keep my head up and be optimistic. It really makes me feel sheepish more than anything else; I used to complain about the various things in my life that weren't perfect, but I want nothing more right now than to go back in time five years.
