It sounds like from the move and all the emotions that things are overwhelming for everyone. Is there anything you can do for and with the kids to bring a little normalcy to the new place like maybe cooking a favorite dish or creating new memories in the new place?
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
I'm afraid he will win them over with the big, nicer house. He's trying really hard to accomplish this too.
It doesn't sound like that is working out for him though, does it.
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I guess I thought I had a sliver of a chance down the road but he's not sad at all.
Well you don't know how he feels. Most WAS's have all kinds of conflicting emotions flying around in their heads no matter how calm, cool and collected they seem on the outside. I remember people on here telling me this and me telling them "you don't know my wife and see her though, she's just as calm about all this as can be, completely unemotional, unflinching." Much later she told be she was so torn up over it all that she was crying constantly, every day. One of the biggest revelations we all go through is finding out we don't know our spouse like we thought we did. Maybe if we did we wouldn't be here in the first place. Anyway I see you saying a lot of things like "This is how much he hates me." and "He’d rather work 90 hours a week than be married to me." But that's just mind-reading. He could very well hate this new life he's forged for himself but he's scared to go back to the old one. Fear is a powerful motivator.
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Yes I was depressed but I worked hard to be a good mother and a good wife. Yes I messed up and he couldn't forgive me. Started talking to some dumb man online (friend) which led to him digging into my past. My past combined with mental illness is what made him leave. He couldn't get past it and that's when I knew my days were numbered. I couldn't BE normal and do what I needed to do for him to forgive me. I tried, I really tried. Sadly I can do it now but it's too little too late.
You can't change what happened, but you can make yourself into a person he may very well be attracted back to some day. Make that your focus. Quit worrying about why he left, how big his house is, whether he hates you or why or how much. Quit beating yourself up. Focus on you and the kids. Take whatever small house you've got and make it a huge home in your kids' hearts. Stop all the negative thinking and allow hope to blossom inside you. If you find that you just can't, then get some counseling and maybe talk about adjusting your medication.
It sounds like from the move and all the emotions that things are overwhelming for everyone. Is there anything you can do for and with the kids to bring a little normalcy to the new place like maybe cooking a favorite dish or creating new memories in the new place?
It makes me teary writing this.
I'm the one who is overwhelmed. The kids who live with me (S19 and D17) are fine and they are both fussing at me for this. They are the ones telling me to pull it together (gently and respectfully). This is another one of those GAL things I have to do isn't it?
Kas, you gotta do something for YOU. There is a philosophy of addressing depression (and being a LBS can cause symptoms very close to depression, IMO) called "The Next Thing." You do the next thing, and then the thing after that, and so on and so on. Don't get caught spinning over your sitch and wallowing in self-pity. Your sitch is your sitch and worrying about (while hard to avoid) and beating yourself up about it isn't going to help. Keep moving, do things, first one, then the other. Don't worry so much about the whole big situation because it can be overwhelming. Handle one thing at a time. Step by step. Find someone you can confide in and talk to them. And, yes, make one of your "next things" to get out and GAL... go do something fun, fulfilling... something for you! What do you enjoy?
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Keep moving, do things, first one, then the other. Don't worry so much about the whole big situation because it can be overwhelming. Handle one thing at a time. Step by step. Find someone you can confide in and talk to them. And, yes, make one of your "next things" to get out and GAL... go do something fun, fulfilling... something for you! What do you enjoy?
I'm feeling better posting and getting feedback.
I'm a cook and I bake. My new kitchen is the size of a postage stamp but it's critical I'm able to cook asap. This is step one. Cooking and baking make me happy. I just can't do it yet.
Look I'm spinning.... I need someone to talk to and that's why I'm posting.
Been there.
One thing that helped me was to stay in the moment. Every time you catch yourself thinking about the past or the future, tell yourself "STOP". "I can't change the past". or "I will deal about that future."
Take things one minute at a time. One hour at a time. One day at a time.
Bake me some cookies and then eat them for me. Or pass them out.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Hey Kas, I've read all your threads. I hope you don't mind me chiming in with some comments, new as I am.
It doesn't matter anymore what caused your WAH to leave. Spending time thinking about that will just continue dragging you down. Don't blame yourself or think that he hates you so much he'd do anything to get away. It's not really about you. Something is broken within him and HE isn't the partner YOU deserve anymore. What happened during your marriage is in the past. It can't be changed and it doesn't matter! He was willing to throw away your marriage rather than honour the vows he took - in sickness and in health, right? Is that someone you can respect and love? You've taken steps to address the issues that landed you here. That's fantastic. Keep doing that. The only thing you can control is what happens next.
I'm behind at work due to moving and dealing with WAH and D14. I want to answer everyone because it does help to get feedback and my head is spinning. I need help.
WAH never intended for D14 to live with him. He can't take care of her (not even 50%) and he knows it. D14 chose him because he had the better deal and he couldn't say no nor blame it on me. He knew as I did that she'd change her mind and he wouldn't have to be the bad guy. I did give him the benefit of the doubt though. He said he was miserable with me and I thought maybe....just maybe he was happier now and would use this as an opportunity to be an involved parent - he has expressed this desire since we separated.
My only concern was the school district. Originally he was going to live in the present school district. From a practical standpoint he'd need access to a bus but then I got a house. D14 wanted a house too so he got her one....out of the school district (you get a nicer house this way). He did this within a week so I don't think he thought this through. I don't live in the school district either (can't afford it).
I knew that one of the many financial consequences of divorce would mean D14 would have to switch schools unless WAH handled it. I could easily get her to school (in this district) but she'd have to ride the bus home.
D14 now wants to live with me (she didn't even make it an hour). He says 50/50 but I know now it will be 90/10. He hasn't changed. S19 (and I can't stop him from talking about me) told WAH that if D14 lives with me she will have to switch schools next year because I can't get her to the school without a bus. D14 will be a freshman and it will be an easier transition since various middle schools feed into that high school. She wouldn't be the only new kid.
WAH said no she isn't switching schools and that he will take her and pick her up from my house. I don't think he can do this but again maybe I'm wrong.
WAH is working 80 hours a week right now. WAH picked her up from school yesterday and went to his 2nd job. Got home after 10pm. D14 has been with him for 2 days now. The last text I got from D14 was that she wasn't sure what she wanted. She said this because I can't/won't make a quick decision. I honestly don't know what to do. I know what WAH wants me to do but he's not thinking long term. I am.
I do not care about the size of WAH's house because you're are right despite this all the kids want to be with me even D14.
S19 told WAH last night (cringe) that D14 chose him for the house. WAH said our houses are essentially the same (gaslighting). S19 called him on it. Said his house has 1,000 more square feet, an upstairs, a backyard and a garage. WAH responded "well it's in a bad neighborhood". He lives 2 minutes from me.
