Divorce/WAW due to my infidelity Part 3

[crdcheck]

Question regarding divorce papers. We are using a mediator and have come to agreement on everything (financial split, custody, division of property, etc.). It was a relatively amicable process. The mediator took all of our inputs and created the legal documents. As part of the "standard" language there are two items that basically say that both parties agree that the marriage is "irretrievably broken", "no reasonable likelihood that their marriage can be preserved", and that "this Agreement... is in the best interest of the minor child." I feel that the agreement is as good as can be and the least-worst option I have (R is not on the table and the only other option is litigation) but I don't agree with those statements.

I've asked W to work with the mediator to strike these as part of our other changes and the feedback thus far is that they are required in order to file. How far do I take this? I'm not going to refuse to sign because of this but I don't think that it's unreasonable to get another mediator to weigh in on it. W will certainly not appreciate the delay to the divorce and the additional cost.

Not sure if it matters but the reasons I feel so strongly about this are a) I'm trying to be more honest and this feels very far away from what I feel and b) I don't want D3 or anyone in the future changing the story to say that "both your mom and dad thought that this was the right choice, look at the paperwork". I'd rather tell the truth about my misdeeds than to say that I think that this is the right option.

What do you all think?

[LH19]

C,

I understand your thoughts on this based on principle but I wonder if it’s worth the additional costs? I wouldn’t care jack $hit what your w thinks.

Your daughter will know when she’s old enough the reason for the D.

[unchien]

I agree with LH here. I have been "advised" by friends not to file for D because "your kids will always know who filed and that matters."

Personally I think my kids will care more about how I am as a father, and I choose to focus on that. The rest will sort itself out.

[crdcheck]

I hear you guys and I know that it's not like it's going to make or break my relationship with my daughter, but it matters to me and the cost is marginal (an hour or two with a mediator plus a week or two to get in). I mean, W has her own place now, I'm moving into my own in a couple weeks (our house sold, closes a week from today), and everything is going smoothly in terms of custody. Sure, I'd like to be completely done, too, but waiting a couple of weeks doesn't seem like a big deal to me. W has indicated that it's important to her but hasn't really shared why (her: "It's not like I'm going to get married right away!").

So, new challenge: my mortgage company wants my W to sign two documents, one saying that I have access to our joint account (duh - it's a joint account) and another saying that she is waiving her rights to my new house (rights and liabilities). These have no impact to her whatsoever - I'm using my money (which is presently comingled) to pay for my house. She's saying that she won't sign them until we have our next appointment with the mediator which is after our old house sells. I've asked her what her issues are and she doesn't have any for the waiver. For the other doc she didn't like the wording, said it sounded like all of the joint money would be mine. I called the mortgage company and they said that we can reword however we like as long as it doesn't mention the divorce and says that I have access to the funds. No response from W. I suspect that she's trying to use this as leverage against me for something unrelated (splitting accounts).

It's galling to me that she is using the roof over my daughter's head as leverage and I feel that I have no choice so I did politely but directly give her my nuclear Mexican Standoff option of saying that I would sign the paperwork for the sale of our "old" house after she signed the paperwork enabling me to buy the new one. I'm not sure what else to do since she's not explaining her issue with the paperwork and instead wants to make it contingent upon less-impactful items. It would be as if I said that I would not agree to the divorce (i.e. force litigation) if she doesn't help with the final cleanup of the old house. It would a reasonable ask of mine but not reasonable to threaten so much.

On a positive note, I don't feel anger or really even much stress about this; not even a "OMG what will W think if I pursue this? Will it reduce our odds of R?". I did call the mortgage company to figure out how we could adjust the wording to satisfy my W. So, I'll pat myself on the back for maintaining my detachment, doing what is right for me and my daughter, and not being aggressive about it.

[crdcheck]

This has been a tough few days (if not longer... time is a mess right now). So, everything has been going pretty well, no issues with custody arrangement, my house purchase moving along. Had D3's birthday party on Saturday; my parents hosted. W and her parents were there. Her father not only barely acknowledged my existence but also tried to avoid my brother. I can't help but to roll my eyes - he was fine to have me take his grandkids all over town when they visited in July and the only thing that has changed since then is that W moved out. Petty and short-sighted. But I stayed positive, gave him the space he wanted. Did a small nice gesture for W.

So, the bad part. I need W to sign two documents for my home purchase that basically say that I can use funds from our joint account (they would just be "my" half of the funds) and that she has no other interest or liability in the home. Very standard stuff. She was being cagey about when she would sign and I checked with her daily to see if she had any questions, when she would get them to me. She finally says that she won't give them to me until after our old house closes and after our next mediator appointment, an appointment where she could come up with new parts of the agreement.

[side note: old house closes this week, I move my stuff into new house storage but don't close until next week].

I say that won't work because I would basically have no guaranteed roof over my or D3's head. W said that that isn't an issue, she'll definitely sign. But not now. So, it became clear that she plans to use it as leverage. To what end, I don't know. I told her that I couldn't put D3 at this kind of risk, that I wouldn't leave our current home without knowing we had a new one to go to. This went back and forth a bit yesterday via email and, finally, our realtor getting into the middle (putting two of his sales at risk piqued his interest). Somewhere in there W added to her requirements, saying that she would sign after I signed the custody agreement and a couple of other forms, plus the "old" house forms. I said that the houses are their own item and shouldn't have other stipulations tacked on. We had a call later last night and I floated the idea of an "escrow" for the forms - she signs my home forms, gives them to a third party who gives them to me after I've signed "our" home forms. She still refused, said that I'm "exhibiting all of the signs of someone who isn't going to go through the mediation process and drag this out". I asked her why I would do that, what my motive would be. No answer. But basically, she admitted to using my new home as leverage to get me to come to mediation and sign forms (both of which I already plan to do anyway but can't right now because we won't get them until next week).

[side note: I'm so happy for this forum because I know that this isn't the "real" her, it isn't logical or rational, and there's nothing I can do to convince her of my true intentions so I just moved on]

Anyway, call ended poorly with me saying that my offer stands - escrow on the home forms (mine and ours), other mediation items to be taken care of on their own (not tied to home sales). She kept trying to draw me back in and I just said that I had nothing more to add, she knows where I stand. Suffice to say, she wasn't happy.

This morning I have an email from her basically agreeing to my ask and making a few more demands about splitting funds, etc. At a glance it all sounds good. So, things seem to be working out. But wow, she's kind of gone off the deep end.

On another positive note, her written intransigence has showed other parties who were in the middle on this that, not only is she out of line with this divorce process, but they are starting to question everything she said about the marriage. I may come out of this with a few more friends than I had imagined. Plus, it's making it easier for me to detach. I mean, do I really want to be in a relationship with someone who would use the leverage of my daughter's home over me?

I'm not sure that I have any questions at this point but if anyone has any advice or suggestions I'm always interested.

[crdcheck]

Can't believe it's been two weeks since I've posted and at the same time can't believe it's only been two weeks. It feels like months. To follow up on my last post, W ended up signing the papers. My sister in law intervened behind the scenes unbeknownst to me. So, old house sold, new house bought, I'm actually writing from there. Tonight is D4's second night here and she seems to like it. Park two blocks away with an ice cream shop next to it - we went to both tonight and she made a couple of friends on the playground.

For me, there's an amazing bar across the street and I've met neighbors there. My brother and a few other close friends have been huge helps - I'm not completely unpacked but every room D4 uses is complete including painting and pictures on the wall. I've been crazy busy with it all and also busy with work - it's an exciting time. GAL is continuing between all of that (volunteering, taking a new class, reached out about supporting another local organization), not to mention hanging out with friends. I'm actually pretty exhausted and looking forward to having more of this done.

W and I went through revisions with the mediator last week. We got some of the language regarding this being the "best situation for D4" softened which I was happy about. No real fights with W, a couple of disagreements over text but I've done pretty well.

Only "miss" i can think of was when she dropped by my desk to give me revised divorce paperwork and I was deep into my work - when i turned and saw her I momentarily mistook her for someone else I expected to come by and just sort of sat there with a confused look on my face. Not exactly the positive response/attitude I would have preferred to give.

So, things are going well, and I feel like I've "checked" so many of the boxes that I should feel better. But I don't. I mean, I really believe what I've read here (and elsewhere), that, bad as the things I did were, my W was unkind in different ways to me, too. No equivalency, of course. But point is that I logically know that I shouldn't want her back. But I find myself looking for her car when I'm walking through our company's garage. I wonder if I should invite her to a concert I know that she'd like (and I shoot that down, of course, but then I'm sad). We've not been under the same roof for over a month, not in the same bed for two months (longer?), been no more than friends since May, and I should be moved on. Especially since I've gotten past blaming myself for everything. But right now I'm sad and I don't really know why.

[LH19]

CC,

Sounds like you have a nice setup where you live and are doing a nice job With GAL. As for feeling you should have moved on by now, if you had moved on then I would question whether your marriage meant anything to you. It's normal to feel sad because you lost something that has been a major part of you for 12 years. I have read that it takes 1 month for every year you were together to get over someone. It will most likely take a year for you.

Be proud of yourself! You are headed in the right direction and way ahead of the game for being 5 months post BD. There are guys here that have been here over a year and come here weekly to wallow in their misery and feel sorry for themselves.

Your number one challenge is going to be that you work together. Any possibility of you seeking work elsewhere?

[AnotherStander]

C, don't worry about the fact that you are still not at peace over your situation, that will come with time. You've got all the pieces in place to make that happen and you have done a FANTASTIC job of it! Now you just need a little patience with yourself. Allow yourself to grieve and feel hurt, that's normal! You'll work through it and find happiness again!

[crdcheck]

Thanks to both of you for sharing. I'm not really used to issues I can't logic my way out of. Like, once I got onto the DB bandwagon, I could pretty much be all in (though, to Steve85's and others' points it took me a few weeks to really begin dropping the rope, seeing how far along my W was - funny to think that I used to worry about how whether or not I washed her coffee mug would have any impact on the eventual outcome).

LH19: not really. This is one of the top companies in the area and the pay is nearly impossible to match. Leaving would create a lot of ill will that could harm me in the long run (e.g. if I needed to return for some reason). Plus, there's no travel which is key for now (my last job was M-Th travel). Question: why do you think that this is a challenge?

At a more general level I will say that this group has been immensely helpful with seeing how... hate to use the word, but... "hopeless" the marriage as-is was when I first joined. I literally would have done anything to get her to call off the divorce. I literally did quit a job and choose a new one that was limiting in many ways but was to save our family. Stopped going out with friends. And it was my choice, I don't blame her (though I'm bitter that she claims that she did all she could, etc., and I see her as having put in 10x more effort to the divorce than saving). But that's me the problem-solver - whatever it takes to fix it, I will. But I can see that it never would have been enough because she never communicated her specific needs (they were always abstract) and never made it possible for me to communicate mine (and was unwilling to try a different counselor).

Five months in, here are some of my key learnings in addition to the DB principles:

1) Getting good sleep is one of the more important things (and maybe even a GAL or 180 depending on the situation). This process has involved more decisions than I have made in years - I don't know that much compares with this near-constant state of stress and intense thought. Without a doubt, a good night of sleep makes me function better the next day in ways that it didn't before.
2) Comedy has really helped, too. On days when I find myself lamenting my loss (and impending losses - like when D4 told me that mom is taking her to Disney, I thought about how we won't do that together) it really breaks the framework by popping over to The Onion for a few minutes (or whatever).

And on a positive note, while I worry about what kind of parent I am and how much damage I've caused my daughter, when I look into her eyes I see love and happiness. I know that I shouldn't be using external sources for validation but man, when everything feels like it's not enough, that gives me hope.

[crdcheck]

Quick questions list:

1) Follow up from previous post, given that my job is great and I'd be burning a bunch of bridges if I left, why the suggestion that I change (W works there, too - is that insurmountable?)?
2) FIL's birthday is at the end of the month. I enjoy buying him gifts because we have similar tastes. I bought him a couple of books prior to the divorce announcement - do I give them to him or not? I could give them to my daughter to give to him but that's pretty transparent.

Journal:

Was feeling good over the weekend and during the day today - house is coming along slowly but surely (I have to remind myself that emptying even one box is still progress). Had a great time with D4 this weekend - she and I mutually chose activities that we both enjoyed. Did a house tour thing that had bands playing at each house. She chose when to stay, when to leave, etc. Then some arts and crafts with her. All in all a really good weekend. A bit awkward going to the bathroom when I'm not home - she's too young to leave alone. The things you don't think about...

Then this evening I had my state-required parenting class. I had low expectations since I've been in counseling, on this board, and read books. I didn't really learn anything but they played a video showing interviews with kids whose parents divorced and it really made me angry with W. This one girl said that her parents divorced when she was nine months old and she's still dealing with the fallout. I get it that we can both be great co-parents and give D4 the best life possible but, well... W attended this class after our first mediation session which was right after our final "discernment" session with a new counselor - I don't see how she walked out of it saying "yep, I'm 100% certain we can't work this out."

It was also a bit depressing to see that my excitement about being a great parent may just be a phase. Like, it's typical that we become super-parents for a bit and then it fades. I am really, really enjoying being a "free" parent, not having to worry about what W thinks. I'd hate for that to go away.

On a positive note (relatively speaking), hearing others talk about their soon-to-be exes made me thankful in many ways for my W. We have our issues (obviously) and I'm bitter about a lot, but there was no surprise forensic CPA combing through my stuff, no completely made up police report, no $200k in legal bills. Part of me is very happy that, despite what a POS I was to her, we still prioritize D4 and our respective futures. That also makes me sad that, if we are this (relatively) close together, why can't we pull just a little closer? These people are full of anger and hatred. One person basically threatened his W (she wasn't there - he was just remarking to the class). It is what it is, of course. I'm just thankful and sad at the same time.