Help a newbie out with all this...

[SoTorn]

Yes you will. You wont be able to go full dark. Thats literally no contact. Go dim. Treat her as a friendly business partner. Never show negative emotions around her. Always be upbeat and happy and always be busy. She will think WTF? But thats not the goal. Fake it until you make it.

If there is not an OM then you are fortunate. Regardless, your actions need to be the same no matter what.

Dont get guilted into doing anything. Just take a step back and check what the benefits are. Does this action benefit you, your kids or make you happy? Does not doing the action negatively impact you or the kids in any way? If there is no benefit and no detrimental consequences then there is no reason to do something "just cause"

I say do the funeral because you already said yes. But if it doesn negatively impact you or the kids then it doesnt matter if you change your mind. As long as you choosing to do it isnt trying to get brownie points. Or choosing to not go to "show her" you arent at her beck and call.

[Hallzy9]

Hey bud, sorry you’re here but you’ve come to the right place. This isn’t an easy time but everyone here will support you. Keep posting. Talk to a coach if you can.

I had a very similar experience in that I accepted an invite to Disney land a month or two after BD. Everyone on here advised me against it but I still went. I will say I enjoyed myself and had a great time, but the W used it as an opportunity to bring up the hit list of all the bad things I did in the R.

I think that maybe down the road it would be okay, but if you are early on in your sitch and your W is still showing resentment and disrespect, I would pass on that.

Then again it’s really up to you. If you want to go and can prepare yourself to not get upset and to have no expectations, it’s really your decision.

[Challngr]

I have read about emotional affairs and it also doesnt seem to fit our relationship> I get this site has a lot of people who have been cheated on , but I feel pretty confident that she has not (90%). Do I flat out ask her? I mean I have asked her several times when I have melted down if there is someone else and to be honest with me and every time its a no or a version of no. Like I said no warning leading up to BD. Sex was still regular and sexual activity pretty active still. 4-5 days a week something was happening I'd say? It was pretty active for her to be doing something with someone else. She is very emotional when it comes to that so while I do believe she could be "talking" to someone I dont believe anything has happened before or "yet"
Maybe im naive at this too

[Challngr]

Yah see i think it will be to painful for me to go. They are doing it up big with all these plans and im afraid im just going to feel more lonely. I asked her to go with me and the family to santa cruz a couple of saturdays ago and she said yes. Had a great time but i got to end of day and I felt really sad . There we all were having a great time but I couldnt hold or kiss my wife and I had to fake what I was feeling. In that moment i just wanted to be a foursome again so badly. She was cooooold

[Challngr]

Another question on W possibly having an A. .......Would she really go to MC , lie to me and say there is nobody else, and also lie to therapist? If there was an affair I feel like why would she agree to MC and the MC is encouraging her to take steps forward while I take steps back. Seems as if there was an OM there would be no point in that right now as that person would be her focus , not getting back with me. She agreed to it as soon as she separated which tells me she thinks there possible hope for us??

[Challngr]

Oh and a point on our MC he does hold my wife accountable for her side of the problem and she does accept blame and her half of the problem by never expressing to me any of her issues. So i think that has been helpful as im not getting blamed or giving her a platform for validation for leaving. However, it does feel we spend alot of time on the negativity of the past . Of course 13 years has been nitpicked to seem like our marriage was a disaster. And it wasnt at all

[Jac12]

Believe none of what they say and half of what they do.

They'll lie as much as they feel they can get away with and they'll lie some more even after you have proof of anything.

Don't assume anything either. If she is asking to go to MC and there is no proof of an A then go if you want to go. If you choose that, just listen as much as you can and validate her feelings when appropriate. Whether you agree with anything she says or not, they are her feelings so don't fight them.

[LH19]

C,

Sometimes MC is used as a front to say “see we tried everything and don’t want to try anymore”.

If she’s in an A it will eventually come out.

If she’s in MC and is actively participating and doing all the Homework that is a good sign she’s not in an A.

The thing is if she’s suggesting MC and actively trying, why would she have to move out?

[Challngr]

No i suggested MC after she left for a few days. She agreed and he asks her every session what she is doing. He gives us little homework assignments. For instance he liked that we went to santa cruz and had a good time. I did ask my wife for a kiss and she said 'no'. I was a bit upset and shut down, and on way home (3 hour drive) she asked if I wanted to talk about it. She thought i was mad I couldnt kiss her and I was really upset that she kinda chuckled when she said it. MC talked about how it was probably awkward for her still and that he really liked that I asked her permission as a step forward and he liked her telling me no if she wasnt comfortable. As it was a step for her to voice and stand her ground which she felt she couldnt do in the past for fear of upsetting me.

[SoTorn]

I have read about emotional affairs and it also doesnt seem to fit our relationship> I get this site has a lot of people who have been cheated on , but I feel pretty confident that she has not (90%). Do I flat out ask her? I mean I have asked her several times when I have melted down if there is someone else and to be honest with me and every time its a no or a version of no. Like I said no warning leading up to BD. Sex was still regular and sexual activity pretty active still. 4-5 days a week something was happening I'd say? It was pretty active for her to be doing something with someone else. She is very emotional when it comes to that so while I do believe she could be "talking" to someone I dont believe anything has happened before or "yet"
Maybe im naive at this too

My exww swore up and down she wasnt cheating. She was still having sex with me through September 2019. She was also banging her boss from at least March 2019. At first there were nonsigns but once she jumped in with both feet it was obvious. Telling you that you are the problem and reason for the MR breaking up is usually a gaslighting attempt by a cheater.

Its unfortunate but true that most people that have come here swearing their wife is that one who they just know for sure didnt cheat, end up finding about an A fown the road. Again, do not allow that to fester. What you do will not change. What she is doing is already hurtful. We arent trying to scare you or convince you its true. We just want you to understand that it could happen and to be prepared if it does. Dont ask her if she is cheating because she will never and I mean never admit to it.

I had proof from a private investigator and my exww tried to still deny it. I had to play a recording of her talking to her boss where she talked about their hotel the upcoming weekend and him bragging about having sex with her to his friend. Even then she still tried to find a way out. "I stayed in his room because he was sick". What she meant to say was she was *******#$%^**^%$.

No matter what, you focus on you. You need to take care of yourself because it gets very stressful to the point where if you are not prepared it can literally break you mentally and emotionally. You can get physically ill because of the stress and emotional rollercoaster. Focusing on yourself is for your wellbeing and sanity.