I agree with ST and Ovr, you're letting her cake-eat and now you are stuck in the friendzone. You are Plan B. She's not coming back as long as that keeps up. I understand it's difficult not to let her continue the cake-eating because it's a way for you to have some time with her, but is it really fulfilling for you or does it just keep hurting you worse? I think your best path forward would be to tell her you can't continue the friendship, so if she's not willing to commit to work on the M then you are done with her and you need time and space to heal and recover. Paradoxically the time away from you might make her start missing you and realize what she's losing.
I definitely want to end the cake eating! She has even admitted to being able to have her cake and eat it. I have been following Sandi's Rules and really backing away for the past month. The more I lay back and do my own thing, the more she tries to connect. I am definitely worried about being friendzoned, but I also know that the R between her and the OW can't and won't last forever. Is it bad that I'm feeling a bit stubborn in not wanting to move on and in trying to be patient to let this thing run its course? Also - do I assume they are still a couple? They talk all day everyday and hang out about once or twice a week. WW says she loves her but that nothing physical is happening - I'm sure you all will tell me not to believe a word of it! HAHA!
LBW 32 - me WW 31 T 7 M 4 No Kids 4 dogs
Separated 1y Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
Dont be ashamed of your feelings. Your love for her is valid. However, you are making decisions based on your emotions when you should be making decisions based on facts. Do her actions show that she is dedicated to you and not in an R with OW? Seems not. Therefore, act accordingly. Protect yourself emotionally. Drop the rope. Detach.
You would know and be certain your WW is dedicated to you and ended the R with OW because she would be chasing you and showing with her actions that there is no OW and that she wants to rebuild trust.
You know shes not telling the truth because you are still confused, hurt and on an emotional rollercoaster. Do you feel like that in a loyal committed relationship? No.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
How would you recommend beginning the detachment? Should I tell my ww that I am going to take some time for myself and that I won't be responding? I'm sorry - I probably seem so weak and unable, I just don't know how to go about it when we still talk all day, hang out, and it seems like she is working on figuring herself out. I have been taking the "be a good friend" approach and giving her space. I am scared of messing something up by bringing up the R if I were to explain that I am going to take a step back. Do I just start to pull away and become less available to leave her wondering?
Read the detachment thread a lot!
And don't worry about being weak. We all start there and work to get better!!!!
Originally Posted by KristinG
Also - do I assume they are still a couple?
How are they a couple? How could that be possible? A married person cannot have multiple partners in any moral sense (no offense to Mormons). It's abhorent to let people convince you that someone who is married can be with someone else. I know society like to push this kind of crap down people's throats but if you want to be able to BD and instantly see other people well then you shouldn't get married. Rant over.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Get busy doing things that you like to do or need to do. Focus your energy on becoming happy without a significant other. Keep your thoughts focused on you and your behavior. Any time you catch yourself thinking of her, tell yourself "STOP". Refocus and go back to doing things for you.
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Should I tell my ww that I am going to take some time for myself and that I won't be responding?[quote]
Actions, not words. Let phone calls go to voice mail. Do not immediately respond to texts. Vague answers.
Her:"Hi, bla bla bla bla.." You :Crickets (IE don't respond) Her:"You OK? Bla bla bla" You: Crickets Her:"I am worried about you..bla bla bla" You:Crickets. You an hour later :"Sorry, was busy. I am OK" Her"Bla bla bla" You crickets. Her"Bla bla bla" You crickets. Her"Bla bla bla" You crickets.
You can post the convos her for feedback if needed...
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I just don't know how to go about it when we still talk all day, hang out
Make other plans. Stop hanging out with her. Do not tell her what you are doing or planning.
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Do I just start to pull away and become less available to leave her wondering?
YES.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
SoTorn - SoTRUE! I know one of my emotional triggers is falling for the smooth talk. She started a new job this week and last night asked for the dates for our yearly vacation next summer so that she could go ahead and ask off for them. I didn't even realize it until today because it all felt so natural and normal for us. I am trying to get into the mindset of being happy on my own and enjoy the little things. Definitely going to save your thoughts on actions vs words and keep reminding myself that nothing is real until she is dedicated. I have to protect myself and consider myself single for now. I like what someone wrote on another forum about not "waiting" but rather "standing".
Ovr - your rant made me giggle! And I agree! lol
LBW 32 - me WW 31 T 7 M 4 No Kids 4 dogs
Separated 1y Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
So tonight I managed to stay detached. WW came home to pick up one of our dogs. I did receive her hug, however, I picked up my purse and proceeded to walk her out of the house. She asked what I was doing with my purse and I said I had some errands to run. She left, I left, and I haven't touched base all night. Just trying to not think about where she is and what she is up to. I do think it messed with her a bit bc she called to tell me to be careful and that she loves me. I didn't really have a ton of errands to run and just went to the local store to get some waters and coffee creamer haha! I was home in about 15 mins but she didn't need to know that!
LBW 32 - me WW 31 T 7 M 4 No Kids 4 dogs
Separated 1y Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
I picked up my purse and proceeded to walk her out of the house. She asked what I was doing with my purse and I said I had some errands to run. She left, I left, and I haven't touched base all night. Just trying to not think about where she is and what she is up to. I do think it messed with her a bit bc she called to tell me to be careful and that she loves me. I didn't really have a ton of errands to run and just went to the local store to get some waters and coffee creamer haha! I was home in about 15 mins but she didn't need to know that!
Perfect!
During my detachment phase, one of my 180's was to always look nice. I would get cleaned up at home, put on nice clothes, then head to the gym. I would work out, then shower, and get back into my stylish clothes, and head home.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I have been in "hermit" mode a lot lately and have passed on opportunities to GAL. I'm really trying each day to focus myself on saying yes to invites from friends and find things to do instead of lazing around the house after work every night. It's crazy how hard it can be to get motivated to do even the small things. Good for you looking great to and from the gym! I REALLY need to join and start going most week nights. I hate working out but I think it would make me feel better about my body.
LBW 32 - me WW 31 T 7 M 4 No Kids 4 dogs
Separated 1y Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
R2C, I have been in "hermit" mode a lot lately and have passed on opportunities to GAL. I'm really trying each day to focus myself on saying yes to invites from friends and find things to do instead of lazing around the house after work every night. It's crazy how hard it can be to get motivated to do even the small things. Good for you looking great to and from the gym! I REALLY need to join and start going most week nights. I hate working out but I think it would make me feel better about my body.
The more you force yourself to get out and GAL, the easier it will become. But at first, it does feel like forcing it.
Not sure this will be helpful to you, but what helps me get back into working out is having a set workout program to follow. Then it is very clear what I am doing each day, almost like a prescription. It eliminates the extra hurdle of having to think about what to do each time I walk into the gym. I always hate the first few workouts, feeling sore and worn out, but eventually progress kicks in and I feel energized from working out. Just takes a little while.
