Hey guys. Just joined and also just today set up phone coaching for a few sessions to see if I can get some help. Im a fixer H, whose W walked away. Yah I know , abbreviations! Not my thing yet. Wanted to give a quick story and ask a few questions.
Quick back story. Married 9 years, together for 13. We dont fight, argue and have had a happy home (or atleast I thought). Ive always told people how rock solid we are. So as you can imagine first BD caught we way off guard.
The bomb was she was no longer interested in sex with me or anyone else for that matter. Its always been the one thing that has been a bit of a spat for us. This was 11 months ago. So realizing for first time how serious this all was since I wasnt interested in being roomates I did what I thought was a 180. I told her to handle the sexual activity as she saw fit and not to do any more than she wanted to. We read 5 love languages book and that was pretty much it. So I started helping with the kids every bit of 50% (id say i was about a 30% partner with kids before). I started cleaning, cooking, watching kids, whatever she needed. All without counseling. I was killing it! Sex activity never dropped off, life was better (so I thought). We went to a counselor about 3 months later to try to start connecting. Uh this sucked after 3 sessions of her listen to both our arguing of what we wanted. Unproductive to both of us and we quit. Fast forward to 8 weeks ago:
Wife comes home and says she wants space and is going to stay with her mom a few days (its now been 8 weeks). THe dreaded i love you, but im not in love with you anymore. Argument ensues, emotions run high with mostly me and devastated she wants to leave and she takes off. Immediately that turned into ahhhh maybe a month ill be gone or 3 or i dont know maybe 6! So of course Im like F***. Oh forgot to mention we bought a house 12 weeks ago brand new that we both picked out the options and had it custom tailored to us. 4 weeks later she was gooone! Now that Im here i realize i have broken all the rules thus far. Although at first it didnt seem like a bad idea to text and try to stay in contact as I was naturally devastated. She did agree to MC and we found what I believe to be a good dude but im not sure if he is solution based TBH. So we have been going for 6 weeks this week. At first it was 2x a week, now just one. Last thursday after 7 weeks, I had a meltdown when she came over to get the kids (2,8) and wanted to spew all the knowledge I have read in all the self help books i have read, and of course, it made her push away and even say more mean stuff to me. Went to therapy next day and I just ran through all my frustrations. Got out of therapy, and it was like a switch went off in my brain, to just let it go and accept that this is what has happened to you. So for a week ive been super calm, no spirals , no texting about relationship (we were doing often in the past 7 weeks) and I've continued on my life. Also no initiating. Then I found here and was glad I started doing what is already recommended on this site. I have read all the basic info that cadet posts to all newbies and im working off of that.
Main concerns of wife are that she is no longer in love with me (seems workable) and that she has a lot of resentment towards me for issues that happened years ago, some even when we first met. -Rules ive broken when we are together is I hug her, kiss her on the cheek and tell her I love you when she leaves. She doesnt seem to mind it, but I will def stop doing that if its hurting me.
OK, Questions I now have.
1. Her grandmother passed away 2 weeks into our separation and we were both close to her. I've been invited to her celebration of life this upcoming friday. I said I would go of course. Wifes mother asked if I would help set up the event , and also wife wants me to help with watching the kids at the event. This is a tough one for me cause its her day with the kids that day. I dont want to come across as rude or that I dont care about this event but with all this happening and little regard for what I feel like, is for me, do I tell them both no? Do i suck it up due to circumstances? I guess my original hope was to go as a guest and enjoy the celebration as a guest. Now i feel like im the help. I wish I would have asked these questions before I said yes. I had reservation and she said whats wrong. I said no its fine ill do it. But this is also first time I will see extended family of hers since separation and Im good with all of them, so thats hard too. Oh and she also wants me to take the kids over night after the event as the house will be full with a bunch of people that evening.
2.How dark do I go? Keep texts only about kids? No hugs, no kiss on the cheek, no "i love you's"?
3. Vacation in january to Disneyland with kids was planned with her mother and father as well. W mother and father are going all out on the vacation for the kids. They still want me to come. I have explained that if we are not together that I dont plan on going. Is that the right move? They were mad cause I wont do it for the kids but I love my wife a ton and im already hurting , why would I go on vacation with W and her mother/father where it will be awkward I believe and I wont be enjoying myself as I once thought I would> Im over doing everything for the kids. I need to be ok too.
4. Holidays. Do we split them up now or try to still do them together? I dont think she is opposed to doing them together still.
5. New arrangement starting this week is Dinner on wednesday when i drop kids off, and park on sundays when I pick them back up (we are doing 3 1/2 days each for my sanity and schedule) Did i mention i love my kids immensely and its killing me? Wife knows im a great dad. question part is, do i do dinner on wednesdays still while im going dark or keep it that way since its a family thing?
Thanks for reading all of this, I hope someone responds
Things Ive done for 8 weeks now: Lost weight (35lbs in 8 weeks), excercise everyday, read 4 books, taking care of the house, doing household projects. Met a new friend and have been out a couple of times to keep my sanity.
Things ive done only for 1 week now is: accepting of the situation finally! I feel cool, calm and collected , ive stopped pursuing, I stopped sharing my feelings about the R and I have stopped convincing her during talks.
Last edited by job; 10/09/1912:29 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
H (me) 40 W 36 M 9 T 13 S 2 D 8 BD 11/24/2018 BD#2 8/14/2019 S 8/14/2019 "when looking back at past struggles, they can become the most beautiful" Freud Keeps me hopeful
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Dude you want to enjoy the celebration as a guest wtf? Her grandmother died. You do what you need to do for her on that day.
As for everything else your kind of all over the board. Kissing her and telling her you love her and then trying to go dark. That is likely very confusing to her.
Much depends of if there is an other male. Most likely there is and most things are still the same, but as for Disney my advice would depend on if there is an OM.
Sorry you are here. Its a very hard thing to deal with. There are some great people here with solid advice.
Regarding going dark. Its not about ignoring her. Its about turning your attention inward and using the gift of time she gave you to better yourself for yourself and for your kids. That being said, if you want to go dark then yes stop all communication beyond finances and kids. No hugs, no kisses, no ILY. When you give her affection and she is not in love with you it helps nothing and just reminds her that she is not in love with you.
I would say to stop counseling. She BDed you. She ended your MR by walking away. Its over in her mind so going to MC just gives her a platform to express all her negativity and fish for validation.
No R talks. If she brings up the R just validate her feelings and disengage from the conversation.
In regards to the death. I am sorry to hear you lost someone dear first and foremost. You already committed to doing it and the plus is that you will get to spend time with the kids more. Take every opportunity to be there for your kids because they are hurting badly right now and need to know you are there for them. Just go do what you agreed to and leave your WAW alone.
I do have to ask, have you noticed any odd behavior from your W? Hiding the ohone, new friends, new clothes, obsessively working on her looks, going out late? The reason I ask is because in a lot of these situations there may be an affair going on. Most WAW dont bail on the relationship unless there is something else waiting. Grass is greener etc. The saying is that a monkey will not let go of a branch until it firmly has another in its grasp. Also, when a WAW moves out suddenly, its usually because they want to have the freedom to act as they want. I dont want to upset you or cause additional distress, but prepare yourself as you may find out in the future that there is an OM.
My exww did the exact same less moving out. Completely pulled away from her family and constantly traveled for work. Come to find out she was banging her boss and finding every excuse to travel and continue her A.
Its all about you and your kids now. Every decision you make must be made from the perspective on whether or not it benefits you and your relationship with your kids. Nothing you do should be based in how your WAW would react or what she wants. Let her go to get her back.
In regards to the vacation. I personally would not go play pretend happy family. However, if you feel that it would be beneficial for the kids you may want to go. Maybe get a separate room?
Anyway, its a very long journey. Its a marathon and not a race. Keep your head up and understand that you will be fine. You will get through this. You will come out a better man and father and that better man will either benefit his renewed MR or a future relationship with a new woman or even single. Keep posting here. If you want to approach her with a question or comment, post here first. Dont let her eat cake.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
OK, Questions I now have. 1. Her grandmother passed away 2 weeks into our separation and we were both close to her. I've been invited to her celebration of life this upcoming Friday.
Yes, you go. Do whatever you can to help W and your kids through this difficult sitch.
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2.How dark do I go? Keep texts only about kids? No hugs, no kiss on the cheek, no "i love you's"?
Yes. treat her like you would a cashier at the grocery store. Polite, but not personal.
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3. Vacation in January to Disneyland with kids was planned with her mother and father as well. W mother and father are going all out on the vacation for the kids. They still want me to come. I have explained that if we are not together that I dont plan on going. Is that the right move?
I would politely back out. You have been fired as H. Take kids on your own vacation.
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4. Holidays. Do we split them up now or try to still do them together? I dont think she is opposed to doing them together still.
Get as many agreements in place as possible. Get the splits 50/50. Odd years Mother gets Thanksgiving day and Xmas eve, Father gets the Thanksgiving Friday and Xmas day. Even years it is reversed.
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5. New arrangement starting this week is Dinner on wednesday when i drop kids off, and park on sundays when I pick them back up (we are doing 3 1/2 days each for my sanity and schedule) Did i mention i love my kids immensely and its killing me? Wife knows im a great dad. question part is, do i do dinner on wednesdays still while im going dark or keep it that way since its a family thing?
I would let her do dinner with kids alone, and you do the same.
Most of the spouses blame their unhappiness in the LBS. It is important that they have time ans space away from you to realize that you are not the cause of their unhappiness.
When i said i wanted to go as a guest, I only mean that I dont want to feel used and be the "nice guy" and continue to feel a bit trampled on. NO there is no other person that I am aware of. She has said several times she wants to be a lone. She has never been the cheating type and she has always needed to feel a connection to have sex. So i think im pretty safe there. I also say that because there were no gaps in time in our relationship while she worked. She came home ALOT to be with me or to do happy hours, etc. This why such a shock. We did ALOT together everyday. We definitely are best friends. I mean she says I still am but we def dont act like it now. No late nights, not really many friends, no new clothes or changing looks at all. I dont want to play happy family on the vacation so thats why my hesistation. My 2 year old son doesnt know about her death and my 8 year old has down syndrome and doesnt understand at all that she is gone, despite them 2 being buddies since birth. Her grandmother helped us out tremendously.
H (me) 40 W 36 M 9 T 13 S 2 D 8 BD 11/24/2018 BD#2 8/14/2019 S 8/14/2019 "when looking back at past struggles, they can become the most beautiful" Freud Keeps me hopeful
Don't go to Disbeyland "for the kids". That's a guilt trip if I've ever seen one. Maybe she should honor her marriage vows "for the kids". Don't say that to her though.
She's surely shacked up with some POS so don't go play happy family with her.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Don't go to Disbeyland "for the kids". That's a guilt trip if I've ever seen one. Maybe she should honor her marriage vows "for the kids". Don't say that to her though.
She's surely shacked up with some POS so don't go play happy family with her.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thanks for the responses so far. To be clear I only mentioned going dark because during my meltdown last week it finally hit home that my pursuing was doing far worse damage, so on my own i just stopped. I found this site and it said to go dark as well, so im trying to implement that too but looking for advice overall. I talk to a phone coach on thursday so I guess Ill get some good feeback all the way around
H (me) 40 W 36 M 9 T 13 S 2 D 8 BD 11/24/2018 BD#2 8/14/2019 S 8/14/2019 "when looking back at past struggles, they can become the most beautiful" Freud Keeps me hopeful
