1 - It sounds like you're still obsessing over what's going on in your ex's head.
"WAH never intended for D14 to live with him. He can't take care of her (not even 50%) and he knows it. He knew as I did that she'd change her mind and he wouldn't have to be the bad guy."
2 - Encouraging your kids to talk about what your ex says/does probably doesn't help you detach.
"WAH said our houses are essentially the same (gaslighting). "
3 - You're entitled to 50% custody. Yes, taking it is a good idea!!
4 - He's also entitled to custody of D14. You only "win" her if he's okay with that.
5 - "I did give him the benefit of the doubt though." I haven't seen you give him "the benefit of the doubt". He's had 2 days. He originally thought he was getting custody on Nov 1st until you sprung Oct 6th on him. I haven't heard much in the way of easing her transition--e.g., ramping up from 0% to 50% or 100%, reassuring D14 about her decision, letting your ex know what tampons/pads to buy, etc.
1 - It sounds like you're still obsessing over what's going on in your ex's head.
I have no idea how to do this without having some sort of co-parenting arrangement which we can't do....yet.
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2 - Encouraging your kids to talk about what your ex says/does probably doesn't help you detach.
I've been looking forward to moving just so I could stop talking about him. I don't want to talk about him. It's complicated with D14.
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3 - You're entitled to 50% custody. Yes, taking it is a good idea!!
S19 won't live with D14 because he doesn't want to be her babysitter. D17 won't live with WAH. That said I will likely end up with 90% custody of D14 and D19. S19 won't live with me no but I'll have him 50% of the time.
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4 - He's also entitled to custody of D14. You only "win" her if he's okay with that.
Yes he is entitled to custody of D14 but presently he's working 80 hours a week. His plan is to give up the 2nd job but I'm not sure when.
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5 - "I did give him the benefit of the doubt though." I haven't seen you give him "the benefit of the doubt". He's had 2 days. He originally thought he was getting custody on Nov 1st until you sprung Oct 6th on him. I haven't heard much in the way of easing her transition--e.g., ramping up from 0% to 100%, reassuring D14 about her decision, letting your ex know what tampons/pads to buy, etc.
Point taken. The original move date was Oct 19 but yes I moved up to the 5th. I offered to keep D14 until he could make arrangements (he declined). It didn't dawn on me to give him a list. I assumed D14 knew what she needed. Its not like she's on a special diet or anything it's pads, suave shampoo and crest toothpaste.
I wrote out what the kids want and what I think WAH wants (99.999% sure). I did this to brainstorm and it turned out to be an interesting exercise. I'm taking what S19 and D17 want into consideration because they are getting the short end of the stick since WAH is playing favorites.
WAH wants to (specifically me) to do what we'd do if we were still together but we aren't.
D14 isn't talking to me but I expected that. I told her I needed to talk to S19 and she heard the word "no". I can't just uproot S19 without having a conversation about it. She came back with "I'm not sure I want to do that anymore" and that's the last I heard from her.
Most WAS's have all kinds of conflicting emotions flying around in their heads no matter how calm, cool and collected they seem on the outside. I remember people on here telling me this and me telling them "you don't know my wife and see her though, she's just as calm about all this as can be, completely unemotional, unflinching." Much later she told be she was so torn up over it all that she was crying constantly, every day.
I went back and read your story. The thing that stood out to me the most was the bad karma that hit your WAW. She went downhill and you won the lottery
I went back and read your story. The thing that stood out to me the most was the bad karma that hit your WAW. She went downhill and you won the lottery
Then you probably know more about my sitch than I do! I have never gone back and reread my posts, and my memory of a lot of that has grown quite fuzzy over the years. Maybe it's old age or maybe self-preservation! She did go through some rough spots with the cancer and her ongoing weight struggles (which certainly doesn't get easier with age) and no luck finding love, but she does seem to be happy and she has some close friends she travels with so it all worked out for her, and I am happy for her! And I have indeed done just fine as well, although I've always said if I had a choice in the matter I would have chosen to continue our marriage. I don't mean being stuck in a marriage to the post-BD version of her, but rather that the whole thing had never happened and we could have continued on as we were before BD. But life had other plans! And who knows what the future holds, I have a friend that reconciled after 10 years and another after 20 (!!!), life is so very unpredictable.
Your WAW said she believed the cancer was linked to her actions and I believe her. Barring some horrible abuse I don’t think you can walk away after 20+ years unscathed. As the LBS we don’t struggle with guilt. I know I talk about my struggles with mental illness but instead of being direct with me he left. Instead of talking to the kids he just left.
I didn’t get the I don’t love you anymore speech. He said he loved me and that he was attracted to me. I’m not healthy enough for an R and I know that. But dang I’m doing really great considering where I was and my circumstances. S19 told WAH that other than being sad over the D I haven’t had one issue. I feel completely normal. Do I have codependency issues? Oh yeah. That is the biggest reason I’m not ready for an R. Until I can be alone I will suffer in all my Rs.
S19 doesn’t talk much about me or WAH to each other. Same with D14 but occasionally they give me a sentence or two. D14 and S19 have told him mentally I’m together, on top of things and stable. I hear WAH is working 2 full time jobs and there really isn’t much else to say. I hear he’s unhappy having to work so much but that’s it.
I do have two of my kids with me full time and for that I am grateful. I’m making new friends which is nice. I’m sad today but I guess it’s to be expected after moving.
I'm 53 years old and one thing good that came out of this was I lost a bunch of weight. I'd gained weight after hitting a depression low 5 years back but it's all gone now. I'm tall and thin again. I don't have to diet anymore. I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. No measuring, no counting calories, no obsessing over the scale in fact I haven't weighed myself in months.
The only appearance thing I hate is thinning hair. I used to have full, thick, beautiful hair and it's gone. Only I can tell but still. I hear it will come back though once the stress passes.
S19 told WAH that I haven't had a mental health issue in 7 months. Not a single one.
I couldn't do this without medication if I tried. lol
Hey maybe that's why I don't have to diet. I've stopped emotionally eating. Before I'd eat, exercise like crazy, eat, later rinse repeat until I gave in and just ate.
