And I agree that if she is participating in MC, I mean actually participating and not just throwing blame at you the entire time, that is a good sign. But the moving out so suddenly is very very odd.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
She has never been the cheating type and she has always needed to feel a connection to have sex. So i think im pretty safe there. I also say that because there were no gaps in time in our relationship while she worked. She came home ALOT to be with me or to do happy hours, etc. This why such a shock. We did ALOT together everyday. We definitely are best friends. I mean she says I still am but we def dont act like it now. No late nights, not really many friends, no new clothes or changing looks at all.
This is an all to familiar summary and i suspect 80% of posters on here thought that - me included.
Read Sandis first post...
Originally Posted by Sandi2
I can only give you my VP from the other side. If you had known me before my A, you would have thought I was the last person (other than your mother, maybe) to do what I did
My WAW was the same and detested cheaters. Her father cheated on her mother and her first memories from when she was 3 years old are her dad walking out. Since the day i met her she always swore that was something she would never tolerate..
Ironically 8 years and 3 children later she became friendly with a co worker and weeks of messages followed, along with no intamacy etc. This was EA1, but then came EA2 ( hours and hours and hours of messaging a guy she met a few times out on the town ) and EA3 - a guy she met at the gym- EA3 turned into a PA..
An EA could occur with a complete stranger online, so the cloths, late nights out etc would not apply. It could be a co worker - so she may only see them at work and late nights need not apply at first.. But once the WAW mindset kicks in, rational and logic are replaced by emotion.. Which 99% of the people on here will tell you has disastrous consequences for a marrige.
Detach and start to work on you.. Hit the gym and be the best dad you can be.. Your priorities should become: You Your children
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
Yah i mean ive racked my brain trying to find where she would have opportunity or mood changes or anything to suggest an A because thats what I immediately went to as well. However, her response to leaving was originally going to be 3 days to clear her head. She said the pressure and resentment had built up that she couldnt do it anymore. There were some things going on during this time with her grandma on her death bad and us just buying a new house. So I figured this would blow over pretty quick. However, now its full blown she feels better being at her moms house without the pressure of me around her. Her parents would be none to excited if she was seeing someone else and the house is full of people so that would rule that out there. Not to say she couldnt go somewhere else, etc. nor hide it from her parents as well. She is really close to them so I think I would have found out by now. I've pressed hard in the past. Always, she wants to be alone and she needs to deal with the resentment of the past and is not looking for someone. MC doesnt think this is abnormal either and hasnt asked if shes having an affair except the first time we met and we both said no. However, my guard is still up that this is a possibility as im not trying to be naive, but i havent got any inkling of proof that she is. [censored] most of the time i see her, her hair is up and she looks in mom mode, with no makeup. Shes an attractive woman for sure, but she sure isnt trying when i see her 3 times a week. This even when she is coming from work to MC on her lunch break. So I know she is taking it with her to work, where she is in a professional environment. Who knows i guess. Trying not to worry about that right now at all as it doesnt matter at this point. She is gone, and im here , trying to pick up the pieces and keep the house going. Im at peace with everything and just trying to be happy and figure out a game plan to first try to get her back and 2nd to move on with my life and try to start doing things that make me happy. Like i said before im down 34 pounds and im lighter than i was when i met her 13 years ago. So first goal is checked off in 8 weeks. Its really helped keep my mind busy. But as I sit here today, my worry isnt her anymore. IT was for 7 weeks and it was making me go MAD. I was just losing it, crying randomly, even sobbing at times . I cried more in 7 weeks than i have in 40 years of existence. A week without tears finally. I think i just needed to accept it. After last weeks meltdown I think i was grieving the loss of it all and my mind switched to acceptance. I dont know , it was like a switch went off in my brain. I've been calm and happy since. Hopefully this will last as its a much better feeling than before
H (me) 40 W 36 M 9 T 13 S 2 D 8 BD 11/24/2018 BD#2 8/14/2019 S 8/14/2019 "when looking back at past struggles, they can become the most beautiful" Freud Keeps me hopeful
Always, she wants to be alone and she needs to deal with the resentment of the past and is not looking for someone.
It's probably going to take several weeks to hammer this home, but the saying goes "Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do"
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[censored] most of the time i see her, her hair is up and she looks in mom mode, with no makeup.
What can you do to turn this around? Have you read R2C's links on attraction?
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I think i just needed to accept it. After last weeks meltdown I think i was grieving the loss of it all and my mind switched to acceptance. I dont know , it was like a switch went off in my brain.
These emotions definitely cycle. Once you learn that and keep it in mind, it becomes easier to deal with and control the situation.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Today, go get a new hair style. Go shopping and buy 3 new stylish outfits, and some new cologne. Make sure they are all interchangeable and that one is appropriate for the event on Friday.
You want to project a new image to people. Stylish and age appropriate. Dress better than others your age.
Never ask for a kiss again. Focus on being attractive. Think "Clint Eastwood". Little talking, much actions.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
First, I think it's crummy that you guys are insisting there is an A. Just because you guys drove your spouses to other people doesn't mean he did. Secondly, the other critical component of a spouse having an A is the gut feeling that something was wrong. Challngr has not said whether he has that gut feeling. Also there are a lot of red flags that are in other people situations .
if his wife is found to be having an A there is a perverse "I told you so" that will go on. That isn't helpful.
But more to the point. That isn't where his focus is now.
Hey challenger. Sorry this is happening to you man. It’s awful. I know it is. Everybody here has been or is in that terrible place. Check out my sitch if you want. It’s a doozy lol. I was a wreck
You said “I want to first try to figure out a game plan to get her back and then 2nd find what makes me happy”
You have got those backward my friend. There is no “plan” that will work to get her back
The “let her go to get her back” is the only thing that has a chance of truly working. But you can’t fake it. If you do, she will know and it won’t work.
It has to be genuine let her go. A wise person on here once said “your never more attractive than when your walking away”. But here’s the catch. You can’t walk away, and then turn and look over your shoulder. She HAS to feel herself loosing you. Genuinely loosing you. And you have to be totally ok with that. Then and only then will you have a shot
Focus on yourself. What would put a smile on your face right now that has nothing to do with her. Go do that.
Focus on your kids. You said your son has Downs? Mine is very autistic. I can relate.
Good luck you you man. If I’m wrong about anything I said I’m sure the Vets here will let me know
