Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 4

[DaB35]

AS, thank you for the encouragement; it is really appreciated.

Although everything kicked off 5 months ago - to the day in fact - I've made huge steps forward already, and feel that I'm regaining more individuality and that I'm ready to deal with problems in a better way.

The long gaps between seeing each other is certainly helping me get to grips with DBing, lovingly detaching, conquering NGS, and practising validating (on family, work colleagues etc.). Tomorrow I will not have seen her for a month. I am confident that next time we meet I will present myself in a very good light, and make her think twice. But by that point, maybe I'd have moved on too much - time will tell.

Yes that show is really interesting. I think some more episodes are available to stream so I will make time to watch them.

I completely agree - it should be standard practice in schools to teach validation!

[DaB35]

Had a text this evening from W regarding the broken window. She booked someone to come round this morning. Bit annoyed by that, seeing as she had asked me to 'sort that out' last week - because she was apparently "overwhelmed" - so I had contacted someone and was waiting for a response. She clearly has had time to do it herself!

Anyway, I just answered "ok".

I then said someone was coming round at the start of November to look at the smoke alarms.

She replied saying "ok, will let you know about the window. I will be moving to [brother's] house in the next few weeks but will be popping in to check in the house at weekends at to [run one of her businesses]. Haven't sorted a solution as to where to [run my two businesses] as of yet, so I'll still use the house for that until it sells."

Do I need to validate anything? I'm thinking no, because she isn't expressing frustration or anything. I'm thinking a simple "Ok, thanks for letting me know" will be enough. Not even bothering to sign off with 'have a nice week' or anything. I'm thinking 'business-like'.

[Ready2Change]

W:"Bla bla bla bla sells"
H:"Perfect"

[BluWave]

R2C, can you elaborate what you mean when you write "bla, bla, bla ...?" when a W is talking? Are you suggesting that whatever she is saying, just continue to validate it regardless of content? Or are you suggesting she is just nagging, it all sounds like "bla, bla, bla" anyways, and so the content itself doesn't matter?

Sometimes I feel offended by your posts and the way you word things, especially when it comes to gender differences. Perhaps I am misunderstanding something about your intent, esp when the posts are brief, like this one. I am not sure. I do want to understand better because I don't want to make negative assumptions about you.

Thanks,
Blu

[DaB35]

That's exactly how I responded!

[DaB35]

BluWave, I see it as harmless and not condescending in any way.

In every case, I read this to mean "<this is whatever text the S concerned is saying. It can be on any topic and they could talk about anything, related or not to what you need advice on>"

It's not nagging, it's more like "this is my bit of the conversation." It doesn't actually matter what they say, because that's not what we're seeking advice for. And it applies to whether that S is male or female.

Essentially it's whatever they say before the crucial bit - what YOU respond with. And your own response is MUCH shorter. Not rude, just perfunct.

It took me about 2-3 months to get the hang of SHORT reponses. Again, not rude, just to the point and validating when necessary. You can't - and shouldn't - validate every single thing in every text/email they send you. That would be odd. Choose the obvious moments.

[DaB35]

Update - she just texted :

W: "Window will cost £xxx. I'll say yes and take it out the joint account. Seems reasonable."

Me : "That's fine."

Short, no need to go into detail. I could tell her that our council tax bill is massively reduced as she's been living there by herself for months, or that I need to go to the house on Friday to pick some stuff up, but no need. I'll just text on Friday "Need to get in this evening. Thanks."

Think I'm starting to get the hang of this

[DS9]

R2C, can you elaborate what you mean when you write "bla, bla, bla ...?"
Blu

Hi Blu - nice to meet you!

Hope you and R2C don't mind me chiming in.

I use bla bla too. Sometimes we don't get time to substantiate the actual words, so this is just generic, and nothing to do with gender, in my opinion. I think it may give this impression because in my experience, this forum has far and away more men coming here whose XW's have left.

Plus, R2C's a busy guy. He's on almost everyone's threads helping out and putting out fires. He probably doesn't have time either to type out all the words. There's usually a key word though that he puts in amongst the bla bla's that guides the reader.

Hope that helps :-)

Think I'm starting to get the hang of this

Way to go Dan. Babysteps mate. Short, delayed, and a thumbs up emoji where appropriate

I just got a sms from XW telling me about a pupil free day, plans for xmas, and another sms correcting a spelling mistake with a smile emoji at the end. I'll reply in a few hours. Actually, I wont reply, and will just speak to her briefly when I get my S this arvo. I will send an sms to my SS though checking on his studies as he's with her at home going through exams.

[Ready2Change]

R2C, can you elaborate what you mean when you write "bla, bla, bla ...?"
Blu

Sometimes we don't get time to substantiate the actual words, so this is just generic, and nothing to do with gender,....There's usually a key word though that he puts in amongst the bla bla's that guides the reader.

This.

Replace "Bla bla bla" with this ==>

She replied saying "ok, will let you know about the window. I will be moving to [brother's] house in the next few weeks but will be popping in to check in the house at weekends at to [run one of her businesses]. Haven't sorted a solution as to where to [run my two businesses] as of yet, so I'll still use the house for that until it sells."

I try to pull out the key phrase or word out of the interaction. Then I try to suggest the word or shortest phrase that should get the point across.


The goal is to get the emotions out of the conversation and then reduce confusion, clarify , come to agreements or understanding.

[DaB35]

Lovely yoga class at the gym this evening. Felt so relaxed walking back to the car I didn't even notice how cold it had become until I got to my parents' house.

A work colleague asked how I was doing and she commented that I look really well and things seem to be going in the right direction for me. She said, "I think [W's name] is a fool frankly. You've sorted yourself out and you act and look so much more confident in yourself. What's not attractive about that?" [BTW don't get any ideas people, she's 50 and married with 3 kids lol!].

Bought 3 new pairs of shoes and they arrived today in the post. Like them all.

Bit of a difficult time last night as I was watching something on TV and at certan points I was imagining things that I knew W would say at certan points, or that we'd joke abotu a certain thing that someone said. It only lasted a few minutes thankfully and I didn't dwell on it.

No-one's made an offer on the house yet. Wonder how long that'll take. Really enjoying the dramatic reduction in travel time to work though!