The bad. S19 said WAH looked dead inside (2 full time jobs), said he's been sleeping on the floor, and D14 won't talk to him (she's living with him now). Logically I know this is his journey but it hurts knowing that he'd rather live like this than with me. I've read more than a few stories like this and I always thought pride was at the core. A WAS would rather stay the course than come "crawling back" as people say. Feels different as the recipient. If he'd rather sleep on the floor then I must have hurt him more than I can possibly imagine and he is never coming back. Ever.
The good. A coworker brought me a kitchen table, my house is cute (I'm starting to like it), I've got 2 kids full time and our bond grows as we build a new life. Despite being at an ideal weight stress took a toll on my looks. I looked sick. After 7 months my looks are coming back and with the weight loss it's even better.
Your WAW said she believed the cancer was linked to her actions and I believe her. Barring some horrible abuse I don’t think you can walk away after 20+ years unscathed.
I agree with you, I do believe in karma. I'm not sure if it's a force in the universe that seeks balance, or if it's God, or if it's just our own selves knowing we did something wrong and setting ourselves up for negative energy to come our way. But it does seem that when we hurt others for no reason we end up suffering as well, sometimes in a completely unrelated way. I am not saying I wish bad karma on my XW or anyone else, I don't. But it does seem like it happens.
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I didn’t get the I don’t love you anymore speech. He said he loved me and that he was attracted to me. I’m not healthy enough for an R and I know that.
Most of us are told they still love us, but they aren't "in love" with us anymore. So they love us more like a blood relative, but we don't "flip their switches" I guess.
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I'm 53 years old and one thing good that came out of this was I lost a bunch of weight.
Nothing beats the BD Weight Loss Program for stripping off unwanted (and even wanted) pounds!
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I'm tall and thin again. I don't have to diet anymore. I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. No measuring, no counting calories, no obsessing over the scale in fact I haven't weighed myself in months.
Good! That's a very healthy attitude!
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The only appearance thing I hate is thinning hair. I used to have full, thick, beautiful hair and it's gone.
I bet I have you beat there And what's left went from blonde to brown to silver! Not from my sitch but just from getting older.
Originally Posted by kas99
AS why didn’t your ex find love and yet you did?
That's a good question, I don't really know. Early on after D I used to ask my daughters, only because I was curious (they were still living with me half the time back then). But one of them told me it upset her and not to ask anymore, and I never have again. I know she was doing online dating for a while and did go out at least a few times, but I don't think it ever went more than a date or two. There was an OM back when we separated, it was a friend from work. He and I were casual friends through her before BD so I still ask her about him now and then. He's been struggling with suicidal thoughts and depression for years. Last time I asked was a few months back and she rolled her eyes, said he's been out of work quite a while and barely leaves the house. I know that doesn't answer your question but the only answer I have is I really don't know I don't think she's looking anymore, she seems to be content to travel with her friend. They travel a lot so it has made me wonder if maybe she switches sides, LOL!
Most of us are told they still love us, but they aren't "in love" with us anymore. So they love us more like a blood relative, but we don't "flip their switches" I guess.
I don't think WAH has been "in love" with me for years. We had chemistry, which isn't something you have with a blood relative, but chemistry isn't love either.
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I bet I have you beat there And what's left went from blonde to brown to silver! Not from my sitch but just from getting older.
I didn't color my hair for 6 months. I'm not gray enough to need it but look better when I do. I just lost interest and I was afraid I'd lose more hair.
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I don't think she's looking anymore, she seems to be content to travel with her friend. They travel a lot so it has made me wonder if maybe she switches sides, LOL!
I've joked that if I end up divorced I'm going to have an affair or some long distance thing. That way no one not even my kids would know. Not interested in doing this again.
AS I'm jealous your wife can travel after D. At lunch I calculated how many miles I could drive and make my car last until I die. I wanted to know if I could go home for lunch - I can't.
WAH is working 2 full time jobs because he's struggling as well. He's incurred substantial expenses in the past few weeks. He will fully recover financially but it will take 3-4 years. Until then it's going to be rough.
Travel can be done for free or nearly free. it just requires the time and desire! I sustained 2 trips/month for 5-6 months last year. I’m hoping in the future to switch to getting paid to travel.
I couldn’t afford to travel when I was married. It was one perk of divorce!
I'm slipping. My teens are noticing and I'm buying time to pull it together by blaming it on being surrounded by boxes although that is part of it. I journal here because it helps. Its so hard to be positive.
I want to believe in Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny and that my joy is out there somewhere. I've been thin, super fit had money, traveled, kids, marriage, successful career, got to stay at home, nice houses, new cars, the great guy, I've accomplished almost everything I set my mind to and it was never enough.
Now here is where it gets ugly. I was never thin enough, I hated my job, traveling got old, being home with kids all day was exhausting, my husband didn't give me enough attention, my house was too big to clean, etc. I wasn't miserable 24/7 because I was good at finding new goals.
I'd organize, clean, bake, cook, work to this ridiculous level. I was room mother, PTO treasurer, I baked bread, my kids were legends at school, I was the picture of success and it was never enough.
As I sit here right now I think if I could just channel this energy into something inside of me I'd be unstoppable. Ah but that's a problem because that is HARD. It's painful. For once I'd have to face what I've been running from. When WAH first left I found more goals and got attention from another man.
I'm not sure exactly what I'm supposed to do other than a 180.
Now here is where it gets ugly. I was never thin enough, I hated my job, traveling got old, being home with kids all day was exhausting, my husband didn't give me enough attention, my house was too big to clean, etc. I wasn't miserable 24/7 because I was good at finding new goals.
Kas, I get the impression you are still this way. It seems like you just see doom and gloom wherever you look. The house is too small, you don't make enough money, your husband hates you and will never come back, the kids love him more because he has more money, you can't drive home for lunch, etc. I know you think this is all related to your situation with your husband, but I'm not so sure. Given your struggles with depression I just have a feeling you're still in depression. That's why I mentioned before about seeing your therapist and doctor to discuss it. I had never been through depression, I thought "depression" was just people being all mopey and that they just needed to snap out of it. Then about 3 months after BD I suddenly got a lesson on what depression really is, a medical condition that is beyond your control. It grabs you and pulls you down into a dark place and it won't let go. You have no control over it, it's not just a matter of thinking happy thoughts to get out of it. I ended up on anti-depressants and the transformation was dramatic. I went from seeing everything in my life as horrible and wanting to die to being my old, happy self, content with things even if they weren't perfect. Now what you went through, that's far worse than what I did, I have no doubt. Mine was "situational depression" but yours is another beast completely. I have a friend that has struggled his whole life with serious depression and his medication has to be tweaked now and then to keep him in a good place. You may need that as well. You don't have to suffer like this! You can be happy again!
I don't think she's looking anymore, she seems to be content to travel with her friend. They travel a lot so it has made me wonder if maybe she switches sides, LOL!