1st time alone in 30 years

[AnotherStander]

And you....I read your whole story from start to finish. I think your WAW would have come back eventually as well.

I really, truly thought that for a long time. I was convinced we would recon. But other than the Retrouvaille thing there has never been one tiny hint that she ever second-guessed leaving. From what I can tell she is very happy living alone and doing her own thing. I got to know her mother pretty well and her mother went through something very similar where later in life she embraced her independence and no longer wanted/ needed a relationship (in her case her H passed away, she didn't leave him, but she was kind of checking out by then anyway). So there might be an inherited pattern there. Anyway I now do not believe recon was ever a possibility. But I also often say "never say never" because who knows, she might yet some day temperature check me on that. I've seen it happen many years after D.

She waffled, was torn, there was a 3rd party, she dated, seemed like some MLC thing (likely would have come out of it) and was in no rush to file (key factor in your story). You're the one who started dating, was up for a big promotion and pushed the D though in what less than 2 years?

Right, it wasn't just a promotion though, it was buying half a company. So things could have gotten very messy if I had done that before the D and then the D happened soon after. She had already prepared the D paperwork by then but hadn't filed it, so I sort of "pushed it through" but really it was just me asking her to go ahead and file and she did.

You've also acknowledged that after you'd fully moved on to your supermodel girlfriend you no longer found you ex attractive (typical LBS attitude).

I'm not sure which GF you mean, my current one is the one that does modeling but I was dating someone else when going through D. But neither of them were why I no longer found my XW attractive. My XW was a beautiful person inside, that is what I was drawn to originally and why I fell in love with her. She wasn't physically ugly by any means but not what most would call "beautiful", and had kind of an average build. But none of that mattered to me, I was really drawn to who she was as a person. I loved her and she loved me and it was a beautiful thing. When she quit loving me I still loved her, and that resulted in a lot of pain and anguish. But it's really hard to keep loving someone who doesn't love you back so at some point the pain receded and so did the love, and it was then that I realized that the person she was that I had loved, was gone. The shell was still there but the person that used to be in it was gone. And she's still gone. When I sit here now typing this and think of my wife 20 years ago, oh man she was something else. My stomach still gets fluttery thinking about her. But she's gone, and that still makes me sad. The woman that replaced her is kind and a great mother and I respect her and even like her. But do I love her and/or wish I was married to her? No.

I'm just explaining all of this because it sounds like you are painting me as some superficial person that only cares about physical beauty, and that I dumped my XW to date some young "hottie". That's not what happened at all though. It was over, my old W was gone, and I had to move on. My current GF is physically attractive but I am in love with her because of who she is inside, she is a very sweet, loving person that I really enjoy spending time with.

Now she's happy. You're happy. You're kids are happy proving once again that everyone here will be okay eventually even me.

I have happy times, and sad times, and angry times, and frustrating times. So does my XW, so do my kids. That's life. Life kicks you down, you get back up. Over and over. Sometimes life just pushes you over, and sometimes it knocks your legs out and kicks you in the ribs for good measure. We can't control that, we can only control our reaction to it.

I won’t speak for AS but I think he meant your chance at recon before D is low. He is typically an advocate that recon attempts are highly likely but in most cases the LBS has moved on. Everything in life is about timing and in most cases the timing doesn’t line up.

Yes, exactly. Chances of recon are low, but what I failed to mention is I believe it's because when the opportunity FINALLY presents itself, it's the LBS that says "no".

[kas99]

I'm just explaining all of this because it sounds like you are painting me as some superficial person

When I say negative things it's because it's IN me, I'm the one with the problem. I'm the one struggling. I'm trying to stop being negative and I'm becoming more aware. That said I got upset (stupid I know) when you said my chances were low.

Yes, exactly. Chances of recon are low, but what I failed to mention is I believe it's because when the opportunity FINALLY presents itself, it's the LBS that says "no".

I no longer have the actual symptoms of mental illness I do have wounds from my childhood. When I first came here I was reassured me that he "could" come back and yes likely by the time that happened I would be the one that said "no". I want reassurance daily (or at least not told D is eminent) but that needs to stop. I need to learn how to reassure myself.

It's funny you posted this because I've found I'm happier when I read things (books, blogs) that reassure me that if he does come back i will either be over him or I'll be the one that says no. Over the weekend every time I felt down I'd go read something positive divorce related or just positivity in general. Worked like a charm.

[kas99]

There is this one blog that has a lot of articles about break-ups/divorces. It has statistics, time lines, articles that reassure, that comfort, and it gives specific tips on how to improve yourself. I read it a lot.

I'm not a fan of changing for WAH because I know if I do I will set myself up to be disappointed when it doesn't work. I've also read lots of WAS's actual stories (other boards) and time and time again they say they want the LBS to change for themselves. I see their point if you change for someone else the chances of it being permanent are slim.

As I dig deep I'm finding I don't want to change, not really. I want the quick fix of getting him back yes but that's it. On that blog they talk about this. They suggest asking a bunch of "why" questions to get to the root problem and well I did. Comes back to feelings surrounding my childhood. I don't want to FEEL anything painful so it's easier to distract with the internet, tv, etc. When I was a teen I did this. I'd lock myself in my room avoiding my life and if I did come out I had to drink, date lots of men, work a lot, something. It's how I coped. Okay this I can work with.

[kas99]

Triggers: As I maintain strict NC the triggers are lessening. I'd been looking forward to school ending (last May) because I knew I wouldn't have to see or talk to him until we moved.

Today I went to forward my mail online and saw that he'd already moved his (trigger). I thought he did this months ago. See I handled all the paperwork so everything came to my email address. Every time he changed something I was notified and he spent the first 30 days erasing me from his life. It was hurtful because he changed everything down to his library card. I thought it was part of the "plan" to D me asap but my IC says it was an act of anger. He wanted to hurt me.

The good news is that he ripped it off like a band aid which has ultimately made NC easier and I've read anger is better than indifference. Had a good friend who divorced her H and she was indifferent so I see the contrast. If...the big IF we ever reconcile I will never, ever, ever handle his paperwork again.

Now I shouldn't have to see or talk to him unless it's some brief email re: kids or D. Our kids don't do anything outside of school like sports so the next time we will have a joint kid thing will be when D17 graduates high school in May 2021. I'm thinking I'll be over him by then. lol

[job]

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Having hope while moving on