Married 28 years (together 30) Three teenagers Cites my mental illness as to why he left
BD 4/1/19 Moved out 4/6/19 Each rented new places 10/5/19
WAH has been living in his camper and me/kids were in the rental house. I was cc'd on an email to the rental company stating that we would be vacating the house Oct 31. I found a rental house and he found one shortly thereafter. I'm surrounded by boxes but moved in. He is living at his new house but isn't fully moved out yet.
Our kids wanted their own bedrooms so two kids live with me and one lives with him (we live 2 minutes apart) He's gone dark so we parallel parent. I haven't been on my own in 30 years and since he was the breadwinner it's scary. He pays child support but it's tight. I have a job but it doesn't pay enough for me/kids.
Kas, how are you working on the Perfectionism issues? I'm reading through a book by Brene Brown--who I know we both mention from time to time--on that subject.
CW I need to revisit Brene Brown to get specific tips on dealing with perfectionism - her books are great. For now I keep thinking that beating my codependency addiction takes priority. I'm struggling with being on my own without him to validate my existence. Procrastination has also reared it's ugly head because when I was still in the other house I had hope that WAH would come back. He's not obviously and now the motivation to change isn't as strong and I'm slipping.
I'm not giving up. Reality just hit me in the face and its hard.
I've suffered from depression my whole life and this doesn't feel like that. It feels like a case of perfectionism wrapped up in codependency with a side of procrastination.
LOL! I can actually relate to that unfortunately! For being a perfectionist I am woefully imperfect I've managed to let a lot of it go since BD, S and D. Codependency, people say it like it's a dirty word but marriage IS codependency. Why would anyone ever get married if they didn't want on some level to be codependent, to be a team? So yes we were codependent, and now we have to learn not to be. But at the same time we shouldn't try to carry the world around on our shoulders, we SHOULD try to depend on others on some level, our kids for example. And they in turn depend on us for things.
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My current therapist says I'm doing great that I just need to work on radical acceptance and learning positive coping skills to tolerate a problem instead of choosing toxic things like finding another man. I need to work on changing my belief system which is a direct result of taking action even when I feel bad. I see my dr next month and will ask her about this.
Oh OK well that sounds good then. We only see one side of people here, a lot of people use this place to vent which is perfectly fine, but it can make them look much more negative and down than they are in real life. It sounds like that may be the case for you, I mean from what you describe it sounds like your kids think highly of you and think you are doing great, so that's awesome!
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My brain appears to be working well and I'm not sure a pill can fix perfectionism, procrastination and codependency. Codependency is my worst problem. I don't know how to be alone.
I absolutely FREAKED OUT when my XW left, I felt like I couldn't do ANYTHING on my own and would crash and burn in a big way without her. We were married 20 years but together much longer, we owned a house together long before we got married. We started dating when I was just a couple of years out of college so she was the sum total of my adult life. It takes a long time to find yourself, you have to settle into your new routine. You just moved, that's a huge adjustment. But once you start settling into your routine I'm sure you'll be fine!
Codependency, people say it like it's a dirty word
My definition of codependency is relying heavily on another person for my sense of self and well being. I took the phrase "you complete me" literally. This is the one thing I'm actually looking forward to fixing. To imagine a world where I don't need a man to make me feel good about myself sounds heavenly. I love men yes and it's not hard to find one but then I get caught up in this trap of doing things I don't want to do just to keep from being alone. I don't want to do this anymore.
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Oh OK well that sounds good then. We only see one side of people here, a lot of people use this place to vent which is perfectly fine, but it can make them look much more negative and down than they are in real life. It sounds like that may be the case for you, I mean from what you describe it sounds like your kids think highly of you and think you are doing great, so that's awesome!
You do have me second guessing myself because I've never been a "happy" person. I've got the personality of Dr House. I'm intelligent, quick witted, sarcastic and dark but I'm also kind with a weird sense of humor. I think I've got the raw materials I just need to learn to focus on the good. When I was depressed? I couldn't get off the couch, everything was just hard, I was tired, it felt like my brain wanted to kill me, most days I functioned fine but overall I felt like I was in a fog. Like everyone else was living their lives and I struggled with just basic tasks.
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she was the sum total of my adult life. It takes a long time to find yourself, you have to settle into your new routine. You just moved, that's a huge adjustment. But once you start settling into your routine I'm sure you'll be fine!
Its hard to imagine that I might not be married for much longer.
Today I feel depressed. Being bent towards it means I have to maintain a sense of order in order to stay grounded. My house is chaotic and it's exhausting. I'm tired which makes it 10X harder to be okay. My special needs son is struggling with anxiety so I'm having to use what energy I have to keep him calm. I'm not eating well, etc.
Awww thanks. I read your thread I just don’t want to make it about me. I was raised by a narcissist, he meant well he was just too damaged. I went NC when I was 33 years old.
S19 is having anxiety over the chaos but I calmed him down. He helped me get a huge metal shelf and put it together for me. It’s an open pantry for all my cooking and baking gear. I didn’t finish but he’s happy I’m working on it. He loves my cooking.
D17 was watching Shrek in her room. I’m 10 feet away (lol) so it’s loud. Normally the noise would bother me but today I just smiled.
I’ve got 2 kids who would rather be here than with WAH. Yes I got the better end of the deal. S19 lost a cable in the move and was upset. WAHs big house and money can’t compare to a mom who drops everything to find a cable. I’ve been here before and WAH would say “can’t it wait?” He’s autistic so no it can’t wait. I’m not catering to S19 he’s only like this when he can’t calm himself down. S19 is a high functioning brilliant kid because I’m here for him.
Life isn’t going so great for WAH. His new rental house is surrounded by um how do I say this not so nice people and they hate WAH.
We live outside a big city that is in the top 10 for the most dangerous places to live. We sold our last house because drug dealers moved in. Our plan was to leave the area after our kids graduated high school.
Finding a decent place to live is a bit of a challenge. I got lucky. I’m in a neighborhood filled with people who have lived here for decades.
WAH lives 2 minutes away but it’s a different, newer neighborhood. Lots of rental houses, more crime, it’s loud, parties, cops frequent there, etc. I thought maybe he’d found a good street (it happens). Nope.
I've managed to let a lot of it go since BD, S and D. Codependency, people say it like it's a dirty word but marriage IS codependency. Why would anyone ever get married if they didn't want on some level to be codependent, to be a team? So yes we were codependent, and now we have to learn not to be. But at the same time we shouldn't try to carry the world around on our shoulders, we SHOULD try to depend on others on some level, our kids for example. And they in turn depend on us for things.