Confused and Lost

[KristinG]

Question of The Day!

How should one respond to WW about subjects revolving around AP?

WW says they are planning on ________ (having dinner, going to a movie, etc) with the AP?
Act casual and say "ok, have a great time"? Ignore? Walk away?

WW occasionally brings up facts, events, random things about her AP and I never really know how to respond. I try to stay calm and collected. The AP is a childhood cancer survivor and is currently (all of a sudden) going through a suspicious mole removal and scare. I sincerely hope that everything is good and she has nothing to worry about, but I also don't know how to respond when WW brings up trivial things.

[SoTorn]

dont be around her in the first place to even have those conversations. If she is planning on being home then dont be there.

Your WW is literally acting like you are her best friend to have conversations about her AP with. You are not that person. You can say that to her. I told my exww that I was not her friend.

You can still tell her how you feel when something bothers you. As long as its not pursuit, mean or negative. Just facts.

WW: blah bla blah poor AP
You: I am not comfortable talking about AP

You need to set some boundaries for yourself. Go read the boundary thread. Just remember boundaries are for you.

[KristinG]

I've told her that as well. Months ago, I basically said "I don't want this other person in my life. You are an adult and I cannot make you cut contact but I will not be a part of your life as long as she is in it because that puts her directly involved in my life as well and it's unhealthy for my emotional well being." The problem with that boundary though is that I am too weak to walk away completely. SoTorn thanks for so much input. I read about your sitch earlier on another forum and it really seems like you have a super strong sense of character! I am making some progress detaching and am at least feeling a little more emotionally stable, although I am worried it's just part of another cycle. My whole situation feels so stupid and really makes me want to smack her in the face with a shovel and say "wake up dummy! you obviously still love me!" but I know that I can't and that nothing I do will change any decisions she is making. I'm really finding strength from reading others experiences and all the support on DB.

[44tries2]

want to smack her in the face with a shovel and say "wake up dummy! you obviously still love me!"

The best way to do this is dropping the rope. If you suddenly got a whole new group of friends, or even one friend, and you were no longer around, I bet your W would freak. Then, if she had any reason to suspect you might be seeing someone else (which she will find something I assure you), she would almost forget all about OW because she is so worried about this new life of yours. You are right that your W is still obviously attached to you and is just blatantly cake eating. I was in a very similar situation last year when my W had an A, and as soon as I decided to have as little to do with her as possible and GAL like crazy, within weeks she had ended the A and broken down about she didn't know how to live without me and was afraid she would regret everything for the rest of her life, etc. I promise you, given your situation and your W's feelings, detaching, 180s, and GALing will be VERY effective. You are pretty far from where you need to be and I know exactly how hard it is to cut off all the friend stuff. But do it and you will be so glad you did.

[Caligirl]

You have to be capable of sticking to the boundary . Don’t set a boundary that you can’t uphold . If you are still being intimate with her knowing she is with AP that is for you to decide the boundary . The boundary is for you not her . Your well being . The more you set one the more she may test it . If you want the boundary that you have no place in your life to discuss AP set it . A simple I understand you want to talk about AP but I will not . If AP is brought up stick to it . Kindly but to the point . GAL more and more and more . She may get upset at your GAL but keep pushing toward . The stronger you become the better for you .

[KristinG]

Yeah I've definitely made the mistakes of trying to set personal boundaries and caving in on sticking to them throughout this whole process. I don't know if it's a good thing or bad thing, but we have agreed not to be intimate since July. WW said we have always connected great in the bedroom (that's not an issue) and that she wants to make sure that if/when we become intimate again that her heart is in it. I agreed as I do not want to be sleeping with anyone that doesn't have their heart in it. 44 you're right. I firmly believe she would feel the loss almost immediately and this entire week has proven that. I have been GALing, been distant in our convos, and made myself somewhat unavailable and she has been temp checking quite often.

I've been trying to think of things I need to do for myself in order to 180. I guess a big part of it is being a fixer. I think the only problem we ever really had was that I am wayyy too much of a care taker and a giver. I spoiled the absolute snot out of ww prior to the affair (and even after if I'm honest). I worked hard to get a great career, pay all the bills, cook, buy anything/do anything we want to do. I just find myself really blessed because I'm so fortunate that money has not been an issue, but I also gave her way to much and it ended up making her feel like she can't provide. She has told me that one of the only things she feels like was missing was her ability to provide and take care of me. She said that she felt needed in her R with the OW and that she wants to feel that way with me. I'm trying to just lay low and let her pursue.

[may22]

Hi Kristin,
You're doing great-- hang in there! I agree with Cali, boundaries are to protect YOU, not to force her to do one thing or another-- so you just really need to figure out what behaviors are so upsetting to you that you just have to say no for your own sanity, and then stick to it. On the 180s-- are you still trying to help her fix her problems? Or just validating (when appropriate)? Sounds like validating and resisting advice or comments beyond validation would be a 180 for you and also right in line with DBing.
One thing that has been really helpful for me in GALing is working out-- it has been a great release mechanism and I haven't looked and felt this good physically for more than a decade. I was out with a friend the other night and this college kid was totally hitting on me which my friend and I both thought was pretty hilarious (I'm 44!!!) but I can't say it didn't feed my ego a little. Feeling more confident and sexy can be a really big boost and help with all the rest of the DBing.

[Caligirl]

I too have been the planner , spoiler and the fixer . It seems almost against our nature to do the opposite for me at least . Start with just a few 180s. Start taking up some of those offers to GAL . Unhermit yourself and stop being so available . It’s hard . I’ve driven away sobbing at times but as hard as it was I just kept telling myself I can do this . I am also a newbie here so I have some mixed feelings on certain things the vets are way better at answering . I have made very clear to my H That I will not date while married . What he chooses he does but I do not have to change my values . At one point he almost pushed me to date . I think to make him feel less guilt saying it. Nope not going to happen . Cake eating is hard to stop . I look at some of it as if it’s having a positive effect then some of it I allow . Some of it I over the last few weeks didn’t even lay a boundary on I just didn’t respond to it and made it no longer available . Does allowing him in the home to enjoy family time seem to show progress on my sitch - yes . H has increased time here and shows he is happy here , comfortable, make attempts to spend more family time and connect the kids . After a year of her cake eating is there a positive effect or no ? GAL and stop being so available . I occasionally pick up the phone when I GAL there’s kids involved in my end but if it’s not kid related just a quick friendly I’m out right now I’ll talk to you later .

[KristinG]

So I just got a txt message from ww letting me know that AP got a confirmed diagnosis of melanoma skin cancer. I have no clue how to handle this. Thoughts and feelings?

[Traveler]

Kristin, sorry, that's such an awkward situation! I have no affair experience, so this is just a layman's two cents--maybe express sympathy once, but if it continues, tell her for your own sanity you can't comfort them about an AP. That seems to straddle the boundary humanity/compassion and reasonableness.