Confused and Lost

[ovrrnbw]

Question of The Day!

How should one respond to WW about subjects revolving around AP?

WW says they are planning on ________ (having dinner, going to a movie, etc) with the AP?
Act casual and say "ok, have a great time"? Ignore? Walk away?

WW occasionally brings up facts, events, random things about her AP and I never really know how to respond. I try to stay calm and collected. The AP is a childhood cancer survivor and is currently (all of a sudden) going through a suspicious mole removal and scare. I sincerely hope that everything is good and she has nothing to worry about, but I also don't know how to respond when WW brings up trivial things.

You and your WW are WAY too casual about what she is doing. It's time to set the record straight. Use my previous rant if you want.

As for the OW getting sick, well there's thousands of LBS's that would simply say good riddance. This is a person who you don't like and you don't want or need to know a thing about them.

[KristinG]

Update Journal:

This weekend was full of highs and lows. Just when you think momentum is shifting for your WS and making them want to R, something always jerks them right back into the fog. WW had AP over to her house to talk after receiving some horrible news about melanoma (the AP). Her father passed away due to the same type of cancer and she was understandably scared. WW told me so as not to hide their meeting and immediately felt distant and detached from any progress we had made.

We were in a wedding this weekend for another couple. WW was the "best matron" and I was a bridesmade. I had been dreading this wedding, because, let's be real - weddings are hard to stomach when you're going through all of this. I tried to focus on doing my own thing with all of the girls in the bridal party and not hang around ww. It still feels so weird because it seems like the whole room can tell something is "off" between us. She doesn't wear her wedding ring anymore and almost seems to avoid any contact with me whatsoever. It hurts but you all have been there and know the feeling.

This week I'm going to try and GAL as much as possible. The AP doesn't get her staging for cancer until the end of the month so I know without a shadow of a doubt that she who shall not be named will continue to be in the picture. UGHHHH why?! I HAVE to start moving on with my life.

Anywho - hope you all had a great weekend.

[SoTorn]

Your WW isnt going to change in any short period of time. You shouldnt expect that there is any chance of R until you have seen consistent actions from WW over a very long period of time. These back and forths mean nothing. She could tell you today that she wants you and only you and make all the promises in the world. It means nothing. Talk is cheap. Dont feed the beast by jumping at every crumb they toss out.

[KristinG]

Yeah I know SoTorn. I just keep hoping for an end to this nightmare.. 1 year and still in a serious heartache. She just called after finishing up at work and I told her a package came for her in the mail if she wanted to come pick it up. She said probably not tonight and that she's taking AP some soup. I said "Have a good night" and hung up. I don't plan on contacting her anymore today and am planning on GAL with some friends tonight.

[Ready2Change]

. I just keep hoping for an end to this nightmare.

Until you emotionally detach, you will keep getting hurt.

You have all the power to end the nightmare right now.

You had the choice to not answer the phone.


Do you know this story:

US: "The stove is hot. If you touch the stove, you will get burned."
You: "Maybe it cooled down, I will touch it to see."
US: "Please don't touch the stove!!! It is still hot!"

[Caligirl]

Let the calls go to voicemail . Did she have a purpose to the call ? If not get busy and get off phone quickly but nicely .

You Can stop this nightmare .

[KristinG]

Thanks Cali and R2C.

I know I have the power to stop it. I am really trying to just focus on GAL and find things that I enjoy - just for me. I will say it's getting easier not to initiate contact. That is my starting point. One step at a time. I was engaged to someone else 10 years ago that ended up leaving me for an AP and it was easy to walk away. I think it was easier because our relationship was toxic from the beginning. It makes it so much harder when you marry someone and truly believe that they are a good person that had always and would always be faithful and attentive. One step forward with my life each day.

[ovrrnbw]

It is hard, but through these times of pain and hardship we actually have the opportunity for immense personal growth! You are stronger than you feel right now, you just haven't realized it yet!!!!

[IronWill]

Hey Kristin - thanks for popping in on my thread. So sorry you are having to deal with this, but you are in a good place with very good people that have a lot of knowledge to pass on.

Keep the focus on yourself, as others have said. Your goal is to detach as much as possible from your W. It can get confusing for DB newbies - how to detach, what to show to W when an interaction occurs, etc. The thread on detachment is very helpful.

I would suggest you view it this way - you are detaching lovingly. You are allowing W to do what she believes will make her happy. You are allowing her to be free, to be an individual again.

However, with this allowance comes the importance of setting boundaries for yourself. This is crucial. Especially when it comes to OW. In WWs mind there is no R. So, you don't talk about OW. You don't spend time together. You respond in a way befitting a business transaction or cordial meeting. You don't initiate conversations. You are busy getting a life for youself.

It's tricky at first but you will get the hang of it. There's a great "Be the Lighthouse" story here somewhere that I would recommend reading (if one of the other vets has the link immediately available?). Also - read all of the resources in MLC - they have helped me enormously.

Keep the focus on you, and work on strengthening your emotional well being. I've read a lot of self help books, I recommend you do the same. Insight Timer app helps a lot with the anxiety, also.

Stay strong, Kristin, and keep yourself grounded. You will get through this

[KristinG]

Thanks IW. I am making the "be the lighthouse" my mantra. Keeping the road nice and smooth so if she ever decides to drive home I'm prepared. I've been working on just validating a lot and not trying (as much) to fix everything. I have stopped checking the phone bill this week to see if they are still in contact which is a HUGE step for me. It's just too painful to see the hundreds of texts and phone calls every day. I don't initiate contact but will respond upbeat and happy whenever she reaches out which is quite often. I know I've said this before, but I'm terrified she is trying to "friend-zone" me so that she can have her cake and not lose what we have as well.

She called me last night after getting home from going out with some friends. She was a bit drunk and said "baby, please come over I don't feel so good". (We still use pet names and say ILY but I don't initiate those anymore). I picked up some Gatorade and taco bell cause I figured she needed some hydration and food haha! I stayed the night and she held me all night. We aren't intimate but we still spend a couple nights a week together.

This afternoon she sent me a quote from a meme she saw on Instagram.

"I am closer to you now than I was before. The distance between us has not disrupted how deeply I feel for you. I guess I am at a point where having you physically close to me is not my greatest desire but to watch you smile and grow is. I know that we can make each other smile without saying a word but you have your own path to follow and I am sure someday, our paths will meet and we will be together chasing our dream."

She sent the picture with "I thought about you when I read this in a sense"

WTH does this mean?! I just validated and told her "I can see how you might feel that way"