Hope everyone had a good weekend, thrived, and grew.
Life keeps churning for me.
DR and NMMNG have finally arrived at the bookstore! Cant wait to get stuck in.
I went on a date over the weekend. It was fun, but I was a little sick, which took the edge off. My date took care of me. MNG tendencies kicked in a little for me in that I kept saying sorry and felt the guilts. The contrast was interesting in care factor. XW would have been a little concerned, but not done much to actively care, and there would have been an edge of annoyance.
I have another date lined up too. I'm not going to live like a monk, that's for sure.
I've been doing a lot of fishing and gym work, and I'm now playing online war games with some buddies (yes, headset and all!). I bought a new watch, and keep adding to my fishing gear collection. My favourite purchase though was a blender! I've been buying these expensive juices from a jiuce bar to replace coffee, but now I'm doing it at home, and they're fantastic. I have several a day, and its all part of my continued health kick in conjunction with my weight training.
Had my son last week. I continue to wait on the porch at collection, sitting on the outside table setting, playing with my phone whilst last minute packing is done inside. There's usually a flustered apology from XW about S not being ready. I just smile and say it's ok.
XW came out and told me that she is going to keep the house for a while and buy another with a mortgage. My instant thought was good luck getting a mortgage now that you've given up your full time position and reverted back to casual! I said nothing though. She fired me as her H. My FT work position of many years, sterling credit rating and good income are now mine, and mine alone. She'll struggle to get credit (despite an excellent income), but that's life in her new normal. I just realised too that during the M I was the dude who organised all our loans, credit cards, major purchases etc. Even though I was the beta in our M, by god I pulled my weight and saved the family a lot of money with my haggling and bargaining and knowledge of the system.
She also told me about an old friend from University who got in touch after many years. I remember this friend, and she was a nice lady who we went to dinner with a few times. I just smiled, said that's great, then went back to reading from my phone. XW then told me in approving tones something about the tennis S and I had played (S must have told her I bought him a racquet). I just said 'Ok, thanks', then we left. She loudly told S that he can help with the lawn mowing tomorrow. I don't really know why she always yells stuff like that to him when we leave.
I always make sure to tell him to kiss and hug his mummy goodbye. I'm still faced with XW shrieking "S, your father is here!". The tone and objectification of that phrase is annoying and disrespectful, but I ignore it, and double down on making sure I'm very respectful of XW in front of my S. Flip the script, Alpha male doesn't care about these things, out G the G.
We had a play date at my house with lots of fun and laughter, and I actively engaged with the boys. We also went for a day trip. S and I are planning the next play date, and gel gun adventure. I don't think he does much at his mum's house.
Got a text from XW this morning. First one in over a week. Another lengthy detailed reminder about me looking after S one afternoon due to work, plus telling me he'd left something at my place. I was tempted to not reply frankly. She's notorious for these 'reminders' (even though I never need them or want them), which I honestly think is a power and control mechanism to make her feel like she is responsible and in control, despite me being perfectly capable and independent in my actions and what needs to be done. Indeed, it was sometimes a cause of me to tell her during M that I sometimes felt like she was my mother! For example, during the M I'd tell her something I was doing (ie loan application or Contract), which she wouldn't know how to do, or that it needed doing, then she would 'remind' me if I had done it yet!? Again, I think it had something to do with her wanting to maintain power and control, becuase she detested doing these this type of work.
Anyway, these 'reminders' are her schtick, and are important to her character type, so I deemed it would be courteous to respond, and a form of validation that she's being listened to. What did I say? Nothing. I just sent a 'thumbs up' emoji after about an hour. I'm too busy to type anything, and that emoji says it all really.
Got a text from ex MIL. She'd spoken to me recently about her health concerns, and I'd spoken to my BIL (my sister's husband) who's a surgeon and gave her some guidance, and told her I'm here if she needs me at all. The text was asking me what she'd been diagnosed with, as it was one of those lengthy medical terms, and she wanted to tell my ex SIL. I of course had remembered and told her. She replied simply with "You are a good man". It brought a tear to my eye - bloody MNG tendencies!
I've been in a lot of contact with my SD. She needs a car, and buying cars is my forte. She has a modest budget, so I told her I'd like to chip in to help. She politely declined. Anyway, we've been texting a lot about different cars. I'm enjoying the contact, and I'm being light hearted and funny in describing cars and such. Old me was quite stern and authoritarian with the kids. I'm now mixing life skill lessons with jokes, and I like the new me in that regard. SD and SS come to me instead of their father for things like this. To them, I'm still the go to guy who handles s#@t. To my XW, I'm now AMOAFWL.
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
DS, all sounds good, you're doing a great job at being AMOAFWL! Keep it up!
Thanks mate! A vote of confidence from someone like you really means a lot.
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Just updating. Hope someone gets use from my recent experience.
I got a call from XW early this morning whilst waiting in the Doctor surgery. I don't know why I answered it - I think I thought it was an emergency due to the time.
XW - just calling to let you know I can't look after S next weekend and can't arrange care anywhere so we need to swap weekends (she works weekends). You can have him next weekend and I'll keep him this weekend
Me - I'm at the Doctors, and will speak with you later when I'm finished and had time to think about it.
XW - well I'm just telling you I cant look after him unless you want him alone at home
Me - I'm at the Dr's and cant talk, just send it in an email and I'll get back to you
XW- well, Im telling you. I don't need to write that down you can record this conversation
Me - I can say now I wont be swapping weekends as we have plans but we'll talk about it later ( I was getting a little snippy by this time).
I sent an email later.
In it, I apologised if I seemed short on the phone, as I slept in and was late for the Dr. I told her I appreciated it was frustrating and anxious to not have care arrangements for our S, BUT, when she calls and I tell her I cant talk, or need time to think, and she keeps talking, I feel IGNORED. I told her in future I needed an sms to let me know in advance if she wants to talk. I then said I can see she has no options to care, so I'll agree to swap weekends, but want him for a few hours tonight for dinner.
XW replied
Apologised too, and said she was anxious and had taken what I'd said on board. She said if I wanted to I could have him overnight and she'd collect in the morning, and asked if I was ok
I replied
Appreciated her apology and taking what I said on board, and I was sorry she was anxious. Said if anxiousness was ALSO due to how she feels about me, I'm here to listen IF she wants to talk about that. Told her I was ok.
I was surprised she apologised, very surprised she admitted she was anxious, then offered extra time (even though techincally it was my weekend).
I think I handled it ok. I was self reflective, non judgmental, empathetic, flexible, open to listening if she chose, but firm and concise in distilling how I felt about her behaviour and what I needed to avoid that feeling in future. Any thoughts? 2x4's welcome.
I'm of course not going to follow up with her on my last email. A firm, stable emotional wharf doesn't constantly beckon with words. It makes itself known that it is there, and it is safe. The boat chooses to dock. I chose to make it clear that she can talk if it's about any anxiety concerning ME - I'm not the 'emotional tampon' anymore, or a panacea. I'm not hubby who used to race out to the car when she pulled in at home ready to soothe and listen to her day at work and have dinner ready on the table. I'm AMOAFWL (or baby stepping towards that!)
I realise that despite my calmness, I am still triggered when she tells me what to do, and then persists even when I say I can't talk or need time to think.
Anyway, had a good IC session this morning. We discussed NGS, my childhood defense mechanisms, and my needs.
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
I thought you handled it very well. I’m impressed with her response too, if my H did that I think I’d drop dead from shock! Overall, a mature and reasonable exchange. I’m not sure if your final email was completely necessary - you could have just confirmed the plan and thanked her. But, not a big deal and if it felt like the right thing to do, don’t dwell on it.
Scout, Dab, IH, Roo, R2C, thanks heaps for checking in on me folks - really means a lot!
R2C - you're the go to guy for validation and boundaries - thanks again mate.
XW popped over on Saturday to grab my S and give me back some rope she borrowed. She sat in the car, so I grabbed the rope and leaned on the passenger side window sill (biceps bulging of course, as I'd been working out all morning) and I spoke to her about next changeover, then she asked to come in as it was sprinkling rain. My home, as always, was immaculate, and well decorated (I learned decorating from her and have paralleled her style because I like it so much). Offered her a coffee (I offer a drink to anyone who attends my home) and she immediately started venting about her work. Even though I wasn't interested, I paid attention whilst making coffee, with lot's of 'm-hmm's', concerned head nods and so on. During the M, almost very evening we'd spend up to an hour with her venting about work and me listening. Seems like she still knows where the safe emotional wharf is.
She then spoke of getting a great deal and bargaining on home air conditioning, with an enthusiastic 'way to go, great work!' from me. I think she was proud of that because she never bargains.
She thanked me again for swapping weekends (no problem), told me a house we had looked at just after BD was back on the market and I should look at buying it (m-hmm) and asked again with some concern if I was really ok healthwise (I'm fine, all good - (I'd been to the Doc Friday - old me would have told her why, what for, what Dr said, but nothing from me now, apart from it's all ok - an Alpha male handles his own s#*t, privately and discretely)). She started to ask more but S came into the kitchen.
XW told me SD had moved out and asked if I knew (Yes, I know), and this despite XW helping SD move because I couldn't help as I had plans that night, and XW borrowing my rope to do so.
XW said she'd put on weight and I said I'd lost weight. She said it must be all the walking I do (I smiled). Old me would have immediately said she looks fantastic, and old me didn't like walking, even though I'd almost always make the effort to go with her. At BD, she said I hadn't changed even though she'd been asking me to - well Missy, I have now, haven't I.
S and I then spoke of the upcoming sleepover with his friends, and XW commented about how my house was a real boyzone (I laughed, because my home has a strong 'feminine' feel, with lots of vases, cushions, glass ornaments, plants and so on, aside from the fishing rods in the lounge room and the guy stuff in the garage!), and yet again commented approvingly how I'm getting him involved in tennis and how he's been telling her about it (that's great).
I volunteered nothing, initiated nothing, spoke softly and about 5% to her 95%, and kept it light and upbeat.
As to GAL, I went on a date last week and another Saturday night. It's part of my GAL, I enjoy the company, and I'm not interviewing for a future wife. I'm finding these ladies fast becoming infatuated with me, even though I haven't really changed my nature aside from being more assertive and confident, and shed of some NGS characteristics. I'm really into talking to ladies in public or at the shops, engaging with them and even introducing myself! Old me was very introverted and too shy to talk to anyone, aside from the normal courtesies in passing.
I went fishing and shopping twice, cleaned the house and garage, lifted weights, and went walking a lot, and went out for steak last night. Probably spent too many hours playing online games with my mates though! I've started DR book and looking forward to finishing it.
Hope everyone's well!
Cheers, DS
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Good job DS. I will refer to that thread for revision when I need to see W myself!
I like the idea of not revealing too many details. I'm exactly the same - old me would give every bit of info as it was felt to be crucial to the conversation. You did really well to remain calm and upbeat throughout. I must remember to speak much less than her - it adds to the mystery of your transformation.
Me - 36, W - 32 No kids T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr Discovery - 14 May 2019 S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019 D & House sale final - Feb 2020
