So yesterday I got a text from my w about who has the kids tomorrow and what time. Usually I do on Mondays but since last Wednesday was a holiday and I had them and then Monday is a holiday and I have them again she asked if she could have them for a little on Monday. I said that was fine. That conversation happened about a week ago. Then yesterday when she text me about what time we would each have the kids, we agreed on a time. I said great at the end. She then had the nerve to text me this: You know not for nothing but a thank you here and there wouldn’t kill you would it? Still to this day you take me for granted... very sad. I replied I say thank you all the time. I said go back and look at all the texts. She said: believe what you want. I went back in the text messages and in the last week I said thank you 4 times. So I screenshot each one, circled the thank you and text her back. Of course no response. It just goes to show how much they rewrite history to fit their story. It’s also so sad how they truly don’t see anything good in us, only the “bad” or even make up the “bad”. That was a perfect example of how she thinks I am this “person” to justify her reason for wanting a divorce. Not for nothing I do t know why I even needed to say thank you we were coming up with a time for each of us to have the kids, if anything it’s my day with the kids and she should be thanking me. This MLC is horrible how it messes with their minds. How it makes them “hate” their spouse and make them believe that this person who was dedicated to them for so long to be this horrible person. I have known for a while that my w is “gone”. Things like this only confirms it more and more. I miss the woman I married, this “new” person is like nothing I have seen before. Just looks for anything to blame me for or get mad at me for.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
Spray her with Holy Water and see if she spontaneously combusts..lol...Its a victim mindset Wolf. We have it too because we are being left behind. Its hard to accept, but time and space like everyone says here. They as well as we, need to realize that we are the core of our issues and by giving time and space it only allows us the fortunate experiences of realizing such. (If we ever do?)
Question. If you validated her feelings...Do you think she would have responded differently? Obviously providing her with facts and logic that you said thank you 4 times didn't prompt an apology from her. To argue or even ask them. "How do you think I take you for granted?" Would probably only ensue an argument. Remember these are feelings and emotions you are dealing with here, with a side of narcissism and victimhood. Still doesn't mean she doesn't feel these things. Validate it. You don't have to agree with it, or prove her factually wrong. It will be good for you to learn, practice, and fine tune your emotional intelligence for yourself. What do you have to lose? You've already lost the M.
IH nailed it and it has always been my frustration with you. You're a year in and claim to be a changed man but still make the same mistakes by trying to argue your points and use logic and reason. Perfect chance to validate her feelings and instead you probably pissed her off with the texts.
You know not for nothing but a thank you here and there wouldn’t kill you would it? Still to this day you take me for granted... very sad. I replied..."
DON'T REPLY. Just don't! She baited you into a good ol' round of fisticuffs and you took the bait.
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I say thank you all the time. I said go back and look at all the texts. She said: believe what you want. I went back in the text messages and in the last week I said thank you 4 times. So I screenshot each one, circled the thank you and text her back.
{slaps forehead} So what purpose did this serve? Do you feel like you "won" the argument? No one wins an argument. Have you ever heard this saying... "Don't wrestle with a pig. You both end up dirty, and the pig likes it." I'm not saying your W is a pig by any means, but she WANTED you to engage. Some people need attention, they don't care whether it's positive or negative as long as it's focused on them. Quit feeding into her narrative!
DON'T REPLY. Just don't! She baited you into a good ol' round of fisticuffs and you took the bait.
{slaps forehead} So what purpose did this serve? Do you feel like you "won" the argument? No one wins an argument. Have you ever heard this saying... "Don't wrestle with a pig. You both end up dirty, and the pig likes it." I'm not saying your W is a pig by any means, but she WANTED you to engage. Some people need attention, they don't care whether it's positive or negative as long as it's focused on them. Quit feeding into her narrative!
^^^ Great analogy.
I think I was doing a poor job of summarizing earlier in my last post. What I was trying to really say is, and even though I am horrible at putting this into practice, is?... Ok here... Wolf if a co worker, friend, or associate that wasn't speaking to you, and was discontent with you, particularly if they were caught up in there emotions, came up to you one day and said: "You never thank me for anything, I feel so neglected and unappreciated! " Would you go through the trouble of circling 4 thank you's from a text message, to defend yourself, and your position to say "See... I say thank you all the time!" I know you have the urge to provide proof, and logic in doing so, to try and burst their delusional bubble. But in doing so, it dismisses their feelings. I kmow its hard to turn off the logic as a guy. But try putting someone else's feelings first before your own, and acknowledging theirs. Even if you know it not to be true. You are not there to be right or wrong, you are there to be empathetic, to put someone else's feelings before your own first, then depending on how the interaction goes, and if they are open to it, without giving unsolicited advice, challenge them on their thoughts and beliefs. Not everyone perceives the world the way we do, and we all have to be better understanding and practicing of that.
I wish I realized this a year ago, and I wish I did a better job at putting it into practice, I couldn't get it until now, and the only reason why I get it now is because I am just starting to turn the mirror on myself, and because of time and space.
I think a lot of us here, if we weren't so close to another person, (or used to be) wouldn't respond this way to someone who wasn't our spouse for several reasons. One being we aren't that close to their feelings and situation, two, we are somewhat emotionally removed from their emotions, and there situation, like an outside observer, three we are not as emotional attached, four there are no constants or absolutes as always and never in life, and five its easier to have compassion for someone when we step outside of ourselves, our self centeredness, and put someone elses experiences, emotions, feelings, and situation first. Its almost like you have to play the role of a therapist, or a disciple if you will... Know what I mean?
Also Wolf. I don't mean to dismiss your feelings either. I totally get how you, how we all feel vilified, and the rewriting of marital history by our spouses for their unwarranted justifications for leaving. I totally agree with you. Hell I will gladly validate that and stand by it. But guess what? Notice something there? They are our feelings. That is the way we see the world through our experiences. Not everyone views the world that way. (Like our spouses.)
What if I said to you. Wolf you are wrong for feeling that our spouses vilify us, and their justifications are unwarranted and unmerrited? (See what I did there?)
She then had the nerve to text me this: You know not for nothing but a thank you here and there wouldn’t kill you would it? Still to this day you take me for granted... very sad.
Hi Wolf,
Is your goal to keep feeding the fire???? If so you are doing a great job.
Why do you have such a high need to be right? Why do you respond to these type of messages from your Wife? These are not questions to answer for us. They are questions for you to ask yourself and then decide that is is not important to be right. Decide that it does not even warrant a response.
It is just her pushing your buttons to get an emotional response from you. When she does this and you react, it is her controlling you.
LISTEN, there are 4 fingers pointing back at you while you are pointing at your W. We can see what you can not. Stop judging her. How hard is it for you to change your behavior? How much harder do you think it is to change someone elses behavior? She is not going to change until you change the way you interact with her. Even then, it will take her significantly longer. Why? Because you KNOW you need to change and she does not know she has to change. You have a whole team of people supporting you. She does not.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I validate her feelings all the time. I guess I am just tired of being the villain. Just once I wanted to prove to her I am not this monster she thinks I am. I know I am using logic and it gets nowhere, but for me I needed to. I was going to go any further with it. I was not going to go back and forth. I know it’s against DB principles but I did it for me. Validating there just would have justified those feelings of hers that I “did” take her for granted. When that is completely false. Is it truly not ok for me to stand up for myself once and a while? This was the one time I had concrete proof that she is delusional. If it was about something I said and did with no proof I would have validated those feelings like I always have. And not for nothing, but her not relying back shows that she knows that she was wrong. So couldn’t argue with the proof. Am I using logic, yes. Does that work with her, no. But it helps clear my conscious.
AS I love the pig analogy.
It’s funny when I told some of my friends what happened they all said good for me to show her how messed up in the head she is. Yet on here everyone says I am wrong. I agree with validating and I use it all the time now, not just with my w but my d and even my friends. So they understand that I understand how they feel. But once I a small while I think there is nothing wrong in standing up for myself. To say that she is wrong. I never said she shouldn’t feel taken for granted but don’t say I’m not doing something when I am.
Yesterday I went to pick up the kids, of course they weren’t ready. I went in to tell them to bring their socks for the trampoline park I was going to bring them to. My w says they are dragging their butt and she has been trying to get them going for 2 hours. I responded that is very frustrating when they don’t listen and aren’t moving their butts. Then my d started to say she didn’t want to go. I said I am taking you mini golfing and to the trampoline park, it will be a lot of fun. My w then said everytime you come around they are so difficult. I said I understand how that can frustrate you and they should not behaving that way. I told my w I will speak to the therapist about why they are difficult when they go from her to me. I told the kids let’s go and we left. She then called me after 5 minutes while I was in the car, I was thinking we forgot something. Again she says to me I don’t understand why when you come around they are so difficult and when they are just with me they are great. 2 things here: 1. She forgets that she tells me all the time how difficult they are for her. 2. She is trying to make it seem like it is my fault. I was not taking the bait. I just said that is hard on you. When they behave like that and I will speak to their therapist about the transition. So I can and do validate all the time. She was looking for an argument or for me to say it has nothing to do with me. She was setting me up and I didn’t buy it.
So I know how to validate and when it was just with those text messages I needed to prove she was “crazy” but not so much for her but for me. That I do the right things and I am a good person.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
