Midlife wife crisis11

[Wolfman]

AS Thank you for that.
Not sure what I was suppose to do yesterday. So yesterday it was my day with the kids. At 8:10 I brought them back to the house like I always do. And I always put them to bed been doing that even before the split. When I went upstairs I noticed 3 boxes of my stuff that she packed up. My heart just dropped. I know this is coming but every step closer is making it real. Denial stinks!! The kids went into the bedroom where she was and sat down with her on the floor. They started to watch a show on tv. So I said that my stuff in the boxes? She said yeah but you don’t have to take it today. You can take it when you have a chance. I said ok. Normally she makes the kids go to bed because it was their bedtime but she let them sit there with her. I did not want to wait there, so I went over to my kids gave them a big hug and a kiss and left. No sooner I get into my car she texts me, “What happened?” I said “nothing, why?” She said you seemed off. I said I just miss my family. She replied I’m sorry, didn’t want it to be this way. So I didn’t respond anymore. Then about an hour later she text me, “you ok?” I wrote no not really. She wrote, why today? I simply said we are getting close to the end of our marriage. Going to bed now have a good night. She text me ok with a sad face.

Seeing my stuff boxed up really got to me. I know it had to happen sooner or later. Just hard to see this really happening. I also just wanted to tell her the truth that I did miss my family. All the other times I try and act happy and that everything is wonderful, this time I could not hide it. I didn’t even know why she asked if I was ok? I don’t want the divorce and she knows that, and now you just packed up all my stuff and are basically throwing me out of our house. She expect me to be happy about this????

[curtis7]

I think she always was a little selfish, but she has really pushed the limits. She has actually told me she just wants to be free and do what she wants and when she wants. She doesn’t want to have to answer to anyone anymore. I get that, we have been married since we were 25. She was a mother at 28. So now she feels like it’s her time, I just would t expect it at the expense of the family. But that’s just my way of thinking hers is very different, obviously.

Wolf, you are describing my W, it’s like they are twins separated at birth. Or reading from the same script at least.

I feel for you on missing your family. Once divorced it is gone forever. You may be family, but not a family. Stay strong Wolf. Your W is missing out on a good man. One day she may realize what she gave up. Good luck.

[Thornton]

That's tough, Wolf.

I know how hard it is to see that stuff, it makes everything seem so final.

I can vividly recall going through the same thing during my BD's with W. Every time she left me, she would change her Facebook profile pic, load up all her stuff and clothes, start partying and posting all kinds of pics on Facebook like she didn't have a care in the world. Luckily for me, I never reacted to any of that stuff and she ended up coming back 3x.

So, just because things seem so final, it doesn't make it true.

Lastly, dude you have to stop with the "miss my family" texts etc. When you do that, you actually make it easier for your W to detach from you. You have to come from a position of strength (Even though you don't feel strong at all) because you want your W to start to second guess herself. Stop acting sad, and start acting like you had an epiphany and now realize things are going to be good for you with or without W.

Show (not tell) your W that she is making a mistake, because you are now a man only a fool would leave.

[ovrrnbw]

Wolf,

good job at keeping the interaction short. If D seems imminent, perhaps consider not responding to statements, only questions.

No sooner I get into my car she texts me, “What happened?” I said “nothing, why?” She said you seemed off. I said I just miss my family. She replied I’m sorry, didn’t want it to be this way. So I didn’t respond anymore. Then about an hour later she text me, “you ok?” I wrote no not really. She wrote, why today? I simply said we are getting close to the end of our marriage. Going to bed now have a good night. She text me ok with a sad face.

I would save these types of open hearted convos for someone who values you, not for someone who does not want a R with you. I wouldn't eschew these convos to be mean, but only to be real.

She has actually told me she just wants to be free and do what she wants and when she wants. She doesn’t want to have to answer to anyone anymore.

So now she feels like it’s her time, I just would t expect it at the expense of the family.

I felt this way just yesterday. Mainly it was because I didn't want to do what my W wanted to do. Feelings come and go. I realized I was being dumb. Just validate those feelings. I mean, wouldn't it be nice to have less responsibility? You should have just asked her what beach she'd like to be on then? A lot of times we just want to play this fantasy out loud for a few moments. Entertain it and it passes. Try to explain it away and it becomes something negative.

[Wolfman]

Curtis where are you at in your relationship? You can share a little on here. I will try and get to your story.

Lastly, dude you have to stop with the "miss my family" texts etc. When you do that, you actually make it easier for your W to detach from you. You have to come from a position of strength (Even though you don't feel strong at all) because you want your W to start to second guess herself. Stop acting sad, and start acting like you had an epiphany and now realize things are going to be good for you with or without W.

Show (not tell) your W that she is making a mistake, because you are now a man only a fool would leave.

I hear you. The reason why I said that was because when we first got separated I was very upset, even cried in front of her. You what she said back then, I didn’t know you cared that much, I had no idea this would hurt you this much. So I guess I want her to understand that this still bothers me, that I love my family. I know LH is going to yell at me because that is me using logic and they don’t. I just don’t ever want to hear her say I thought you wanted the d too. Or you seemed fine with us getting d that’s why she kept at it. Or something along those lines, I think you get what I am saying.

I mean, wouldn't it be nice to have less responsibility? You should have just asked her what beach she'd like to be on then? A lot of times we just want to play this fantasy out loud for a few moments. Entertain it and it passes. Try to explain it away and it becomes something negative.

She is definitely living in a fantasy. I know it’s starting to catch up with her. Especially the financial aspect. She said she is now doing tutoring. She said that was something she would never do in the past. She thinks by running away from me life is going to be easy and fun and she can do what she wants. I don’t know when and if ever, she will realize this is not what it’s cracked up to be.

[LH19]

W,

First off I am sorry you are having a rough time. Second off I don’t yell at you I try to explain what’s going on.

Right now you are still operating under the illusion of action where you still believe you can say or do the right magical thing to stop your pain. Unfortunately like we have told you in the past it doesn’t work that way and in fact she this is reinforcing her that she is making the right decision.

So the crock of bs she gave you early on about not knowing you “cared so much” you are going to believe? Even though we tell you don’t believe anything they say and half of what they do. Deep down you don’t believe it but you rationalize it because you want a reason to pursue.

Lastly, as I have discussed in the past she is thinking on emotions and the way she feels now is how she believes she will always feel. However we all know it’s not true. Why? Because feelings and emotions change. So because you begged and pleaded on bomb drop she thinks you’re always gonna feel that way. The minute she knows she can’t have you back, that’s when she’ll start to rethink things.

[Wolfman]

W,
Lastly, as I have discussed in the past she is thinking on emotions and the way she feels now is how she believes she will always feel. However we all know it’s not true. Why? Because feelings and emotions change. So because you begged and pleaded on bomb drop she thinks you’re always gonna feel that way. The minute she knows she can’t have you back, that’s when she’ll start to rethink things.

That’s the hard part for me. For so long she made me believe all I cared about was myself and that I was selfish. I know now I wasn’t at all. Did I do things for myself once and a while, sure, but there is nothing wrong with that. She had me believe for so long doing things for myself, like going to the gym or going fishing 3 times a year was horrible. So I have to retrain myself to think differently. So, you are right I have to detach better and distance myself. It’s so counterintuitive. It’s funny the minute I don’t cater to her she starts with how selfish I am, or vindictive. And I’m not going to lie it reels me back in. I need to do a better job.

[ovrrnbw]

I mean, wouldn't it be nice to have less responsibility? You should have just asked her what beach she'd like to be on then? A lot of times we just want to play this fantasy out loud for a few moments. Entertain it and it passes. Try to explain it away and it becomes something negative.

She is definitely living in a fantasy. I know it’s starting to catch up with her. Especially the financial aspect. She said she is now doing tutoring. She said that was something she would never do in the past. She thinks by running away from me life is going to be easy and fun and she can do what she wants. I don’t know when and if ever, she will realize this is not what it’s cracked up to be.

What if she's right? My W would have been right. I treated her poorly. She lost respect for me and had enough of my crap. I can do 100 times better than I was doing, and that means that literally almost anyone could have treated her better. I think that's just taking responsibility for how bad of a H I was. I haven't read your whole thread so I don't know what's going on exactly but think about it. That's why you need to worrying about your side of the fence.

If she truly is in lala land you can't do anything about it but make it worse. So stop doing what doesn't work. But maybe she is right, that the person you were being may have been hurting, or not communicating well, or arguing silly points, and was going to hold her back from happiness. Is there anything there that you can make positive growth on?

[44tries2]

Wolf, I literally could have written your last post myself.

Ovr, you make some great points. It is very difficult when you have been manipulated to believe you are the bad guy. And that is the part of Wolf's post that I related to. Being told over and over again how selfish I was, when in reality I was trying so hard to compensate for this apparent deficiency that I was just catering and giving up everything in order to not be "selfish".

It is important to be able to identify the real areas needing positive growth, because we all have them and have not been perfect Hs. But I warn you and encourage you, Wolf. Don't approach it from your W's narrative and start going down the road of believing everything she claims about you. I know how easy it is. Work on knowing and trusting yourself and identifying your true areas needing work, from the place where you know your truth and your W has not infected it.

[Wolfman]

OVERRNBW look do you really believe you treated her badly? Or did she convince you of that. Look no one is perfect and it looks like they wanted the “perfect” husband. There is no such thing and just like we did, take the good with the bad. Was your w “perfect”? I would assume not yet you loved her and stuck by. Can we always improve and be better? Sure. But m is about compromise and learning to take the good with the bad. I did everything for my w. I did the food shopping, cleaning, landscaping, bills, pick up the kids from school, help them with their hw, balance the check book and cleaned up after dinner. I have 2 careers and always put my family first. Yet she says I took her for granted and did not love her. All those things I did to help her and because I loved her. Then if I asked her to put her stuff away because it’s been out for 2 months I was horrible and put pressure on her and didn’t appreciate her. Give me a break. I get that’s how she feels and she is entitled to her feelings but there is nothing more I could have done. Anytime she asked for help I ran. Then she has the nerve to say when she would get home from work I didn’t greet her at the door all the time. What am I a puppy dog??? This is one of the BIG reasons she wants the divorce.

You asked if there is anything I could make positive growth on, sure I guess the way I speak and phrase things. I speak bluntly and I guess that was hard for her when we got older. I always spoke that way and she was fine with it for 20 years. But sometimes she said I was mean how I asked her things. So fine, I will work on that. Honestly I was Mr. Niceguy for so long not anymore. I will focus on me and what makes me happy.

Wolf, I literally could have written your last post myself.

Ovr, you make some great points. It is very difficult when you have been manipulated to believe you are the bad guy. And that is the part of Wolf's post that I related to. Being told over and over again how selfish I was, when in reality I was trying so hard to compensate for this apparent deficiency that I was just catering and giving up everything in order to not be "selfish".

It is important to be able to identify the real areas needing positive growth, because we all have them and have not been perfect Hs. But I warn you and encourage you, Wolf. Don't approach it from your W's narrative and start going down the road of believing everything she claims about you. I know how easy it is. Work on knowing and trusting yourself and identifying your true areas needing work, from the place where you know your truth and your W has not infected it.

I hear you. I gave up so much to make her happy. Any complaint I acknowledged and tried to help her. I started to go to the gym at 8:30 at night to help her out the kids to bed. She complained that I played flag football so I quit, she complained about me playing baseball so I quit. And yet look where it got me... here. Getting d. I gave up my life for this family and just like your w 44tries my w would call me selfish. She even had the nerve to complain that when I would go to work and she had to watch the kids she would complain that I left her and she had to watch the kids. I was going to work.

Today I was eating lunch with some colleagues who happen to be female. One lost her husband to a heart attack 7 years ago and another to suicide 8 months ago. They were saying some real interesting things. How they love being alone, that they can come and go as the please, no one to answer to, they can eat what they want and when they want it, they will never get married again. Both these women are in their 40s. I asked you don’t want a companion? Both said no they don’t want to be tied down, they enjoy their freedom and their kids. Is this a new “bug” that a lot of women get? I have spoke to a few others who said they just love being single and not having to answer to anyone. Is it no one wants to work on anything? That we have become a culture of very selfish people? That we want what we want and no one else will tell us otherwise? What is going on today? Sorry for the ramble but I have a lot on my chest and I am just getting angry!!! Thanks for listening!!