I am so sorry to come here today and read that a divorce may be on the horizon. She may waffle for many months in getting the divorce paperwork on track. As long as your finances are okay and you can live w/her "out there", then allow her to do the heavy, difficult work of filing.
She really does not know why she feels that the relationship can't work. Notice the things she brought up. Nothing truly of essence to warrant a divorce. Right now, she's not happy w/the world, you, the relationship and most importantly, herself. She will continue to float around the earth for many, many months and will do some rather odd things, but it's called "going back in time for that one more time/redo" to see if she's missed something. Truthfully, it's to figure out why things happened the way that they did back then.
Yes, you are feeling a bit of a relief, but it will be short lived as divorce takes its toll on all. You will discover that she may drag her feet and find all sorts of excuses not to get things done.
Bottom line, protect yourself, your assets and your children as much as you can. Your journey is not over...
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for the words and sorry to hear about your sitch, Peace. Hearing from others who have gone through MLC spouse is a source of hope and inspiration. I can't control anything but myself and need to look out for my kids. That's the difficult reality we all have to come to grips with. The ultimate fate of the MLC spouse is their decision alone. Only they can take their journey, for better or worse.
Thanks for the reply, Job. Dragging this out will impact my kids (S11, S18) negatively, as would a D, obviously. Does it make any sense to just push for the D through so she can begin her redo in earnest? There's no screaming or yelling at the moment (we really never did that), but I don't want our cordial exchanges to potentially deteriorate in front of the kids. We are essentially separated, but see each other most days because she runs her business out of our house. I know I need some space to heal, too.
It makes sense to push through the divorce while she is still willing to make reasonable financial accommodations. In general the initial generosity of the guilty spouse evaporates pretty quickly - once she figures out how financially impacted she will be she may start to be a lot more difficult to negotiate with. It also can cause the fantasy fairytale to evaporate more quickly. You can always remarry or stop the divorce later if she turns around. But many LBSs have been burned by trying to wait and not ask for anything financially while their WAS ate cake and indulged their fantasy with their lover on the LBSs dime.
(I know you aren't aware of an affair and there might not be, but the odds favor it. Have you checked the phone records yet?)
I have not done any snooping and don't intend to. I've seen items plainly visible in her overnight bag that she brings to her "girlfriend's" house that are more than enough proof. Also, she is clearly in limerence and is obsessed with running out of the house the minute I get home to go to her "new life." Zero physical contact or affection between us. This will all be dealt with should any kind of R momentum happen, which is unlikely at this point.
I do want to get the finances done ASAP (we are discussing on Thursday), and we have already agreed on 50/50 physical/legal custody. I will file paperwork myself if she drags her feet, though I would prefer she do the heavy lifting. Time will tell.
They almost never do the heavy lifting on the paperwork. They're too busy in fantasyland to fill out forms. Did you ever read Erica Jong's Fear of Flying? She talks about the "zipless f--k" - where you meet a stranger on the trains, you clothes fall off magically without any fumbling with zippers or buttons, and there's no consequences. WASs want the "zipless divorce" - where they don't have to fill out any paperwork, suffer no financial consequences, and can just waltz off with the affair partner.
Just file and get it done if that's to your financial advantage.
So last night we had a school event for S10 and W was a chatty Kathy. Just small talk, but it seems odd to me. 24 hours earlier, we were agreeing to D and end our M. Could it just be as simple as her wanting to be friends or friendly? Or is it just part of the MLC roller coaster ride?
MLCers come in three flavours; exhibit three different distinct behaviours which usually influence their attitudes as well. The clinger, vanisher, and boomerang.
Along with that, they are usually of two types of degree. A high energy type, burns the candle at both ends kind of thing. And a low energy type, a wallower, dragging themselves through there misery.
All MLCers basically are attempting to relive their youth. Trying to capture that which they’ve lost. Remember this is all about them, and the trauma they suffered when a child, when they were emotional stunted. They need to grow from that point.
The LBS becomes the target of MLCers projections of their internal conflicts; they really cannot cope with it and must place the blame onto someone. Unfortunately that is us. It needs to be the person that was in a position of authority from long ago, but the MLCer doesn’t realize that. They don’t even realize the crisis they are in, or the bad choices they are making, and no one can tell them different - they need to grow up.
The clinger blames you and yet cannot let go and move on. They try to keep you in their orbit, keep you engaged, keep you around, keep you as plan B.
The vanisher, which my XW is, leaves and doesn’t look back - that we know of or see. Very little to no contact from them, even with their children. They leave their old life and grab on to their new.
The boomerang leaves and circles back, over and over. Unable to let you go, and unable to commit.
You can see each type will have differing attitudes and behaviours to support their fantasy life. The MLCer cannot be wrong in their mind. They will expend incredible energies to maintain their fantasy - to run. Eventually it will crumble and their choices, lives, conflicts, and pain will become clearer and some will make the choice to face it, some won’t.
It takes quite a strength to believe and understand that the MLCer is emotional driven and is in deep depression. From the outside we don’t directly see how their minds are racing during those quiet times. The running behaviour is them trying to escape themselves. However, at night, laying in bed, they have no where to go. Signs of depression and sleep deprivation will show as this takes a physical toll on them. My XW aged many years, over the last two; an ironic fate considering she was chasing her youth.
In all of their journey, the MLCer has confusion, which they may or may not display. Spouses that still talk with the LBS will ping pong back and forth from friendly to angry. Chatty Kathy is a pretty common trait. Small talk for sure, they really cannot handle anything with substance or meaning.
It does take a while for our MLCer to find their type, and usually once found they do not bounce between types. In someways my vanisher is probably the easier of the bunch. Your’s sounds a bit boomerang at the moment.
This is the MLC rollercoaster. Hang on. Keep your hands and legs within the car; and your wits about you. Focus on you.
It’s perfectly alright and normal, and needed, to ride the coaster for a while. You will exit it. Don’t worry about rushing that part.
You sound like you’re doing really good. Understanding and compassion; the underpinnings of empathy and forgiveness.
Keep moving forward.
DnJ
Last edited by Cadet; 10/24/1905:28 PM. Reason: edit as per requested
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
The clinger blames you and yet cannot let go and move on. They try to keep you in their orbit, keep you engaged, keep you around, keep you as plan B.
The vanisher, which my XW is, leaves and doesn’t look back - that we know of or see. Very little to no contact from them, even with their children. They leave their old life and grab on to their new.
The boomerang leaves and circles back, over and over. Unable to let you go, and unable to commit.
Love this DNJ
I believe They may also change their role as time goes on
MY XH could be quite chatty at the start of separation process..he would visit very often and he lived opposite end of large city with OW..then he became a vanisher
I would not read into anything..I think the MLCer gets scared especially when D starts and they see the reality MY XH was very nice ...until D started During D...you have to watch out..they lie, manipulate, and blame
He lost everything, and I fought him tooth and nail for the kids He was draining the business funds as well and he lost that too-
He and OW were using drugs and incompetent to raise my children-then both young enough to be seriously affected OW had abandoned her own Daughter and was an addict and bimbo
I would personally want to know where my kids would be going and who with They pick losers, addicts, and psychos
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
So last night we had a school event for S10 and W was a chatty Kathy. Just small talk, but it seems odd to me. 24 hours earlier, we were agreeing to D and end our M. Could it just be as simple as her wanting to be friends or friendly? Or is it just part of the MLC roller coaster ride?
Hi WMLC. Maybe W was feeling awkward/uncomfortable/nervous being at a public function with family? Trying to give the appearance of all is going well to others? Overcompensating for the reality that is.
Just my opinion. Keep on keeping on Wmlc. You're doing great.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
