Victorious!!

[ozman]

I would want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with her. But I am done with the way things are. I still don’t think she has cheated. But im not sure. I’m not very worried about it.

Threre are a few points I would like to cover with you guys first

1 have I given it enough time
2 I have backslid some in my 180s (I think mostly to my mind being constantly on cancer. No pun intended) so should I get those back on track first?
3 we are best friends. Do I preserve that or no?
4 is it normal to feel sad about this at this stage.
5 is it normal to feel excited about being single?
6 I’m worried I haven’t done everything I could. I just know I’m tired of the way things are. If she wants to be part of my life that’s great. But if not, I’m done, I don’t really care anymore. Walk away

Ps

7. Is it normal to have a small hope that walking away will cause her to think about things. But to also know that’s silly?

[kas99]

I agree with LH.

Keep in mind I'm new at this and have no idea what I'm doing. I am NOT a veteran.

My WAH left 7 months ago and I've been dark for the past 3. In the beginning he gave me an inkling of hope that he might want reconcile later (said he needed time) but took it back. He was going to file for D asap but hesitated. I might have hope for years down the road but I am not in limbo.

My WAH may never come back and I get that but for us to have a shot at reconciling he needed to leave. He believes he will be happier without me and that I am the source of all of his problems. Maybe that is true I don't know but what I do know is he needs to live in reality (for at least a year) to find out for himself. In the meantime I will move on.

[LH19]

Oz,

Reading your above post it makes me believe you are unsure and looking for a reaction from her. WWs are great at limbo so you better buckle down if you’re in for the long haul. I was in limbo for about 1.5 years. Read RR17 he’s on almost 2.5 years. Doesn’t hurt to keep up your 180s but also start to plan your future for you and your son moving forward.

[kas99]

Not a vet but here are my answers

1 have I given it enough time - either she wants to work on it or not
2 I have backslid some in my 180s (I think mostly to my mind being constantly on cancer. No pun intended) so should I get those back on track first? can't hurt
3 we are best friends. Do I preserve that or no? not a fan unless you're together
4 is it normal to feel sad about this at this stage. yes
5 is it normal to feel excited about being single? depends
6 I’m worried I haven’t done everything I could. I wouldn't do anything until you are sure
Ps

7. Is it normal to have a small hope that walking away will cause her to think about things. But to also know that’s silly? I think most LBS's here have hope based on all kinds of "silly" things. Its normal.

[ozman]

Thanks guys. I’m sure about being sure. Does that make sense? I don’t think I’m interested in staying in the friend zone for 2 years. Since we don’t like our rental we were gonna start looking for a new place in January. So the are we living together or not thing has to happen by then.

When I look at her. Most of the attraction is gone. I just see the person who stopped loving me. And that’s it. I have no doubt the attraction when come back with a quickness if she put forth even the smallest effort. But otherwise. I’m tired. I’m just really tired. I enjoy being by myself more than with her. I enjoy being with my son. AS once asked me what I would do if I looked out the window and she was banging some guy. With abc being some sort of confrontation and d being “eh”. It would definitely be “eh” now. No questions asked. Is this the goal of DBing. Steve 85 always said everybody comes here looking to save their marriage. They end of saving themselves. I’m more comfortable than I have ever been by myself. Several months ago. She was out with a friend until 1 am. I couldn’t sleep. Fretting if she was cheating (she wasn’t). She did this again last weekend. I was out like a light at midnight. Went out with some friends. I think I really could care less what time she gets home

You guys told me to take a break from the forums. I did that. For a good while. I feel much better on my return

I think I just need some direction. Because I think much longer of this. I will never want her back at all

Sigh

[LH19]

Oz,

You have been here for only 4 months and when you came here you were one of the most desperate posters I have ever seen on these forums. It is very rare that members on these forums are ready to give up after 4 months. Especially with no known OM.

If your lease is up in January why don’t you wait until then?

[kas99]

Oz,

I lived in limbo until my lease was up. Granted WAH cancelled the lease but it ended limbo after 5 months. He had to give 60 days notice and I knew when he did that we were over. Moving stunk but its better than limbo. Still not going to file though. Not yet anyway.

LH is right try to wait till your lease is up.

[AnotherStander]

1 have I given it enough time

If you even have to ask this question then no. What I always tell LBS's considering S or D is this- if you can tell yourself every day for at least a couple of months that you're done and ready to move on, and there is no anxiety or fear or worry or regret in that thought, then you're ready.

2 I have backslid some in my 180s (I think mostly to my mind being constantly on cancer. No pun intended) so should I get those back on track first?

180s should be for life, so yes do try to stick with them.

3 we are best friends. Do I preserve that or no?

Up to you. Some people can do it and some can't. Some LBS's just feel like their heart is getting ripped out all over again whenever they're around their ex. My XW and I aren't "best" friends but we have remained on friendly terms and can hang out or take the kids to dinner or have a birthday party for them without it being weird or awkward. It works for us but I've seen sitches here where it didn't work.

4 is it normal to feel sad about this at this stage.

Sadness means you're not ready, you need more time. There's no rush is there? Time is your friend, use it.

5 is it normal to feel excited about being single?

I can't really say, my XW left really soon after BD and I certainly was not excited about it. It was quite a while before we got divorced and I wasn't excited about that either, more like relieved it was over. But then I had already been dating a while by then so it was more of a formality than anything. But let me tell you, dating is exhausting work. It's like having another job. It's not anything to be excited about, LOL!

6 I’m worried I haven’t done everything I could. I just know I’m tired of the way things are. If she wants to be part of my life that’s great. But if not, I’m done, I don’t really care anymore. Walk away

Again I think it sounds like you need more time to process this. By the time I got divorced I was 100% satisfied that it was the best path for both of us, that there was no path to reconciling and that she had changed so substantially that she was no longer the person I fell in love with and was married to for so long. Whatever happened transformed her into a different person. Not better, not worse, just not the person that was in love with me and that I was in love with. Once that realization hits you, that the spouse you knew really is gone (if that is the case with you) then your path becomes more clear.

7. Is it normal to have a small hope that walking away will cause her to think about things. But to also know that’s silly?

I think it is VERY common for LBS's who were BD'd less than a year ago to say they are ready for D, when in fact they are REALLY hoping it'll be a wakeup call that will "snap her out of it". It's a horrible idea! Because right now, D is likely what she wants. So if you suggest it to her, you will find a very willing participant. And that will be a huge gut-punch to you. Then what do you do, because you don't want D, but she does, and you told her you were going to pursue it. It's a lose-lose situation for you.

[Ready2Change]

0 I am done with the way things are. Good. Lead through the needed changes
1 have I given it enough time - I don't believe so. Give it more time.
2 I have backslid some in my 180s (I think mostly to my mind being constantly on cancer. No pun intended) so should I get those back on track first? - Absolutely.
3 we are best friends. Do I preserve that or no? - Not if she chooses to leave.
4 is it normal to feel sad about this at this stage. - [b][color:#CC33CC]Yes. Privately grieve the death of the old relationship.
5 is it normal to feel excited about being single? - Yes. Be happy. Be happy with just you. Be happy no matter how anyone else is.
6 I’m worried I haven’t done everything I could. - Lots of things you still need to do. It is like an onion with many layers. Keep pulling off layers.

7. Is it normal to have a small hope that walking away will cause her to think about things. But to also know that’s silly?-Yes. normal.

[Ready2Change]

Put your ring back on. Take it off when the ink is dry on D papers. (or if you get proof she is ACTIVELY cheating on you)