A lot of LBS will use excuses where they make something that isn't important so important that they HAVE to contact their WAS. However, as ovr is alluding to it seems maybe you are using the dogs as an excuse to contact him. I had dogs when I was single. I didn't need anyone's help in caring for them. If you end up D'd you will likely be in the same position. So don't contact him about the dogs.....start caring for them as if you are single. It is part of LRT and detachment.
I also see you struggling, like we all do at first, with the idea of detachment. Detachment is not giving up.....it is no longer allowing his words and deeds have an impact on you emotionally.
Do the reading cadet sent you. It will help clear all of that up.
I absolutely have used the dogs as an excuse to contact him. It's basically the only text exchanges we've had for weeks. I realize that and will own up to it. When he was preparing to move out, we set up some guidelines for it and dog care was one of the big ones. Again, I work 12-hr night shifts, which means I'm gone from the house for almost 14 hours. They're smaller dogs and need a potty break during that time. We adopted these dogs together and he adores them so, of course, wants them to be well taken care of and still wants to spend some time with them. However, I understand that if we go through with the D, I will have to provide full care for them. The apartment he rented doesn't allow pets (insert eye roll). So even though I'm not supposed to be contacting him, do I go ahead and set up dog care and tell him he no longer needs to come let them out on my work nights? Or is that releasing him of his responsibilities?
I have started reading the detachment info and am really trying to take it to heart and put it into practice. But it will take that: practice. I've been holding on to hope that we would reconcile, though maybe my hope has just been coming off more as denial. The thought of truly letting him go just makes me sick to my stomach.
Originally Posted by RyanHun
Kelsey, Sorry to hear of the struggles. You have come to the right place and will not find a better group of people to help guide you through this. There is some great advice already but one thing I just wanted to add that I didn't see already mentioned is to 100% look into getting an attorney and I would make it known to him that it is your intention to do things through lawyers as it is a complex legal process with possible life long implications if wrong decisions are made. It is extremely common on this board and was the same in my situation where the walk away spouse wants things done as fast and cheap as possible just so they can escape. My stbxw wanted an internet divorce originally. Who knows how things will play out, hope for the best, prepare for the worst but make sure you have your ducks in a row.
Thank you. I am already working on finding an attorney. My dad is an attorney and then I married one, so I've been "well trained" in reading through everything I sign and bringing in experts when the time calls for one. He definitely seems to want to just get this over with so we can both move on. I have no intention of making this process easy for him, but I also don't want it to lead to us hating each other.
"Tarzan NEVER lets go of one vine until he has a FIRM grip on the next one"
In private, morn the death of the relationship. Cry, get angry, do whatever you need to do. In public, project happy, confident, sexy and the most amazing woman you can be. Enjoy interacting with everyone. Stay in the present as much as possible. If thoughts of the past or worries about the future come up, tell yourself, i will deal with that later. Channel angry energy into action.
Going through this process hurts, coming out the other end you will be a much better, healthier person.
HUGS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thank you. I am already working on finding an attorney. My dad is an attorney and then I married one, so I've been "well trained" in reading through everything I sign and bringing in experts when the time calls for one. He definitely seems to want to just get this over with so we can both move on. I have no intention of making this process easy for him, but I also don't want it to lead to us hating each other.
Unfortunately, it will probably get worse before it gets better. Many WAS see the attorney as a threat to their plans. Divorce proceedings without kids can be less complex and don't require an expert. But it's still a good idea to see an attorney.
I was thinking about your (and others) situation on my run today. Many LBS hold on to the idea that the paper work isn't filed or isn't complete or etc. But in the end a piece of paper or legal ruling doesn't make a person love or not love a person. Someone said it here - the WAS already sees the marriage as over - regardless of an official ruling. Many will act as if they are not married, etc.
So I wouldn't get hung up on making the process easier or harder for him. I see a lot of LBS talk about how they are going to make it hard, etc. You certainly don't have to make it easy, convenient or quick for him.
You just need to make any process fair to your situation.
I was thinking about your (and others) situation on my run today. Many LBS hold on to the idea that the paper work isn't filed or isn't complete or etc. But in the end a piece of paper or legal ruling doesn't make a person love or not love a person. Someone said it here - the WAS already sees the marriage as over - regardless of an official ruling. Many will act as if they are not married, etc.
So I wouldn't get hung up on making the process easier or harder for him. I see a lot of LBS talk about how they are going to make it hard, etc. You certainly don't have to make it easy, convenient or quick for him.
You just need to make any process fair to your situation.
I totally agree that paperwork and legal process (or lack thereof) dont determine if there is love between spouses. In my opinion though, the point of slowing down the D process (while not blocking it) is to allow for more time for the possibility for things to change, for the WAS to slow down and realize what they are doing, and have an opportunity to think clearly. I agree that it isn’t something to get hung up on per se, but personally I do think it’s worth putting thought into.
I was thinking about your (and others) situation on my run today. Many LBS hold on to the idea that the paper work isn't filed or isn't complete or etc. But in the end a piece of paper or legal ruling doesn't make a person love or not love a person. Someone said it here - the WAS already sees the marriage as over - regardless of an official ruling. Many will act as if they are not married, etc.
So I wouldn't get hung up on making the process easier or harder for him. I see a lot of LBS talk about how they are going to make it hard, etc. You certainly don't have to make it easy, convenient or quick for him.
You just need to make any process fair to your situation.
I totally agree that paperwork and legal process (or lack thereof) dont determine if there is love between spouses. In my opinion though, the point of slowing down the D process (while not blocking it) is to allow for more time for the possibility for things to change, for the WAS to slow down and realize what they are doing, and have an opportunity to think clearly. I agree that it isn’t something to get hung up on per se, but personally I do think it’s worth putting thought into.
That is certainly part of it. No doubt. But it is also about ethics. Most people are either ethically or morally opposed to divorce. So your WAS coming to you and saying "he, be a co-conspirator in my plan" is no different than if your spouse came to you and said "be a co-conspirator in my plan to murder the neighbor". You would from an ethical and moral standpoint refuse to be part of such a plot. So by not "helping" the D you are standing up for your morals and ethics. This is why I suggest doing nothing that isn't legally required and/or ordered by court. Show up for the hearings. Hire an attorney. Sign anything that you are required to sign. But make the WAS do all the dirty work. They are notoriously lazy when it comes to that kind of thing and will often leave as much as they can to the LBS. And, in fact, a majority of the time it is the LBS, tired of waiting around, that finally pushes the D through. We' ve seen that play out dozens of times on this board.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
That is certainly part of it. No doubt. But it is also about ethics. Most people are either ethically or morally opposed to divorce. So your WAS coming to you and saying "he, be a co-conspirator in my plan" is no different than if your spouse came to you and said "be a co-conspirator in my plan to murder the neighbor". You would from an ethical and moral standpoint refuse to be part of such a plot. So by not "helping" the D you are standing up for your morals and ethics. This is why I suggest doing nothing that isn't legally required and/or ordered by court. Show up for the hearings. Hire an attorney. Sign anything that you are required to sign. But make the WAS do all the dirty work. They are notoriously lazy when it comes to that kind of thing and will often leave as much as they can to the LBS. And, in fact, a majority of the time it is the LBS, tired of waiting around, that finally pushes the D through. We' ve seen that play out dozens of times on this board.
Divorce is legal in every state. In fact, you don't even need the other party to fully participate. equating it to murder? come on. it's also ethical to love and honor your spouse....many LBS's violated those ethics long before the BD. So if you are going to lecture your WAS on ethics...you'd better make sure you haven't violated any in the marriage. Situational ethics are just as bad as no ethics.
Sandi2 had a great point about telling your WAS that you are "honoring my vows." It just comes off as holier than thou.
My point was that a piece of paper by itself doesn't mean that she/he will love you.
That is certainly part of it. No doubt. But it is also about ethics. Most people are either ethically or morally opposed to divorce. So your WAS coming to you and saying "he, be a co-conspirator in my plan" is no different than if your spouse came to you and said "be a co-conspirator in my plan to murder the neighbor". You would from an ethical and moral standpoint refuse to be part of such a plot. So by not "helping" the D you are standing up for your morals and ethics. This is why I suggest doing nothing that isn't legally required and/or ordered by court. Show up for the hearings. Hire an attorney. Sign anything that you are required to sign. But make the WAS do all the dirty work. They are notoriously lazy when it comes to that kind of thing and will often leave as much as they can to the LBS. And, in fact, a majority of the time it is the LBS, tired of waiting around, that finally pushes the D through. We' ve seen that play out dozens of times on this board.
Divorce is legal in every state. In fact, you don't even need the other party to fully participate. equating it to murder? come on. it's also ethical to love and honor your spouse....many LBS's violated those ethics long before the BD. So if you are going to lecture your WAS on ethics...you'd better make sure you haven't violated any in the marriage. Situational ethics are just as bad as no ethics.
Sandi2 had a great point about telling your WAS that you are "honoring my vows." It just comes off as holier than thou.
My point was that a piece of paper by itself doesn't mean that she/he will love you.
Many worries, great points! Though I don't agree with everything you say, I certainly see where you are coming from in your perspective. I wasn't really equating divorce to murder, only making the point that when something is ethically and morally reprehensible to you, you won't actively participate. And that is regardless of the poor decisions and bad ethical and moral choices you've made up to that point. Have a blessed day.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Really trying to dive in to "letting go". I had some positive moments yesterday of letting myself think about life with us apart. It was freeing and horribly difficult at the same time.
I went through some decorations, knick-knacks, etc that we've still had boxed up since moving over the summer and pulled out his personal items that he never bothered to grab when he moved out. I start my "work week" tonight and typically my husband comes over to let the dogs out before bedtime, as I've mentioned before. There has been no discussion that that has changed, so I'm assuming he'll be by sometime tonight. I was thinking about leaving the box of his stuff by the door for him to take...maybe leaving a note that just says I thought he might like to have these items to make his place more comfortable/home-y. Thoughts?
