I've been reading a lot of the threads here for the past couple weeks and felt it was time to put my specific situation out there to hopefully get some advice. I've been working with a marriage coach, who has been wonderful, but sometimes I need some help outside of normal business hours!
My husband of 4 years (together 7) mentioned to me back in March 2019 that he was feeling distance between us. I agreed. We both didn't know from where it was stemming, but agreed that it was good to put it out there and try to work on some things. (Of note, last year, he graduated law school, started a new career as an attorney, we bought a house, his grandmother passed away, then sold our house almost a year later because we hated so much about it, and life just went along full steam ahead.) A couple of months went by without any improvement so we decided to see a marriage counselor. Each session, we discussed some small issues but never really uncovered anything profound. At the time, both of us shared the goal of our marriage getting back to the fun, loving, happy relationship that it had been. As our sessions went on, I felt my husband pulling further and further away until he eventually admitted that he felt he needed more space, more independence, and that he couldn't get that living in the same house with me. I was totally against it, but told him if that's what he thought he needed in order for us to heal, then fine. He moved out mid-September. We continued to go on dates, texted each other, he helped take care of our two dogs while I was at work (I work 12-hr night shifts), etc. But by the 3rd week, he was reaching out less and less. I was trying to just give him space so barely initiated contact. Though when he did come by or reach out at that point, I let my hurt show (which I now realize was a terrible mistake). A month into this "trial separation" he told me he couldn't stand that both of us were hurting this much, for this long, and that he couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel for our relationship so he wants a divorce. He just wants to be single now. I was totally blindsided! I did all the wrong things...begged him to give it more time, tried to remind him of how good we are together, how much we loved each other, that he hasn't put effort (he even admitted this in therapy back in August) in to healing us, that he made a promise to me and to God, etc. He was totally shut down, saying he's just done, he wants to be single, and we'll eventually get over the hurt of a divorce. Oddly, after the shock of everything died down a little, he didn't really want to leave and I didn't really want him to so we went out for dinner together, then walked our dogs together once we got home. But of course I couldn't hold it together through that and just kept breaking down. Ugh. He then left, saying we would have more to talk about later. A few days later, I found this Divorce Busting strategy and started trying to implement it. We had a mutual friend's birthday party to go to and actually got drinks together beforehand and had a really nice time. Then went to the party, socialized, he left a bit early but pulled me aside to say goodbye. So I was hopeful I could turn things around. Using the last-resort technique, I didn't reach out to him except for absolutely necessary things, such as ensuring dog care. He would respond amicably, but otherwise barely reached out to me and eventually, just nothing until today. He sent me a text saying he has the court paperwork that needs some signatures and wanted to see if I'd be willing to meet sometime this week. I have been terrified of this moment. I responded that I had been hopeful he wouldn't actually go through with this, but now that he was taking action, I needed some time to wrap my head around it. I would be willing to get together to catch up, but I wouldn't be signing anything without my own attorney present. He asked if I had an attorney and then went off about how he knows I need to "process" this but that he told me a month ago he was doing this and doesn't want to keep drawing it out. He doesn't plan on getting an attorney and hoped we could just go about this mutually. But this is SO NOT MUTUAL! I have faith in our relationship. We used to have a wonderful relationship and it just seems that all the life stresses we went through over the past year pushed him into an early mid-life crisis (he's 33 y/o)! This man is not the same man I married, but I know he's in there somewhere and I am willing to do everything I can to get us back on track. But I don't know how to proceed from here. He seems in such a rush to end things officially. Any advice???
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I've been reading a lot of the threads here for the past couple weeks and felt it was time to put my specific situation out there to hopefully get some advice. I've been working with a marriage coach, who has been wonderful, but sometimes I need some help outside of normal business hours!
My husband of 4 years (together 7) mentioned to me back in March 2019 that he was feeling distance between us. I agreed. We both didn't know from where it was stemming, but agreed that it was good to put it out there and try to work on some things. (Of note, last year, he graduated law school, started a new career as an attorney, we bought a house, his grandmother passed away, then sold our house almost a year later because we hated so much about it, and life just went along full steam ahead.) A couple of months went by without any improvement so we decided to see a marriage counselor. Each session, we discussed some small issues but never really uncovered anything profound. At the time, both of us shared the goal of our marriage getting back to the fun, loving, happy relationship that it had been. As our sessions went on, I felt my husband pulling further and further away until he eventually admitted that he felt he needed more space, more independence, and that he couldn't get that living in the same house with me. I was totally against it, but told him if that's what he thought he needed in order for us to heal, then fine. He moved out mid-September. We continued to go on dates, texted each other, he helped take care of our two dogs while I was at work (I work 12-hr night shifts), etc. But by the 3rd week, he was reaching out less and less. I was trying to just give him space so barely initiated contact. Though when he did come by or reach out at that point, I let my hurt show (which I now realize was a terrible mistake). A month into this "trial separation" he told me he couldn't stand that both of us were hurting this much, for this long, and that he couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel for our relationship so he wants a divorce. He just wants to be single now. I was totally blindsided! I did all the wrong things...begged him to give it more time, tried to remind him of how good we are together, how much we loved each other, that he hasn't put effort (he even admitted this in therapy back in August) in to healing us, that he made a promise to me and to God, etc. He was totally shut down, saying he's just done, he wants to be single, and we'll eventually get over the hurt of a divorce. Oddly, after the shock of everything died down a little, he didn't really want to leave and I didn't really want him to so we went out for dinner together, then walked our dogs together once we got home. But of course I couldn't hold it together through that and just kept breaking down. Ugh. He then left, saying we would have more to talk about later. A few days later, I found this Divorce Busting strategy and started trying to implement it. We had a mutual friend's birthday party to go to and actually got drinks together beforehand and had a really nice time. Then went to the party, socialized, he left a bit early but pulled me aside to say goodbye. So I was hopeful I could turn things around. Using the last-resort technique, I didn't reach out to him except for absolutely necessary things, such as ensuring dog care. He would respond amicably, but otherwise barely reached out to me and eventually, just nothing until today. He sent me a text saying he has the court paperwork that needs some signatures and wanted to see if I'd be willing to meet sometime this week. I have been terrified of this moment. I responded that I had been hopeful he wouldn't actually go through with this, but now that he was taking action, I needed some time to wrap my head around it. I would be willing to get together to catch up, but I wouldn't be signing anything without my own attorney present. He asked if I had an attorney and then went off about how he knows I need to "process" this but that he told me a month ago he was doing this and doesn't want to keep drawing it out. He doesn't plan on getting an attorney and hoped we could just go about this mutually. But this is SO NOT MUTUAL! I have faith in our relationship. We used to have a wonderful relationship and it just seems that all the life stresses we went through over the past year pushed him into an early mid-life crisis (he's 33 y/o)! This man is not the same man I married, but I know he's in there somewhere and I am willing to do everything I can to get us back on track. But I don't know how to proceed from here. He seems in such a rush to end things officially. Any advice???
Brace yourself for the inevitable: there is someone else. I know you will deny this, we all go through the denial stage. But all of the markers are there. I am guessing it is someone he works with. I am not saying this to hurt you (though it probably does) but because you have to face the reality of the situation.
My advice? Go whole hog on DBing and LRT.
"I responded that I had been hopeful he wouldn't actually go through with this, but now that he was taking action, I needed some time to wrap my head around it. I would be willing to get together to catch up, but I wouldn't be signing anything without my own attorney present."
This response was almost good, but you should have left out: " I would be willing to get together to catch up" That is not LRT. That is more desperate, needy, non-DBing behavior. You should be pulling the plug on all social activities with him. Yes I know this is scary. Most of us that get told this start asking "but then how will I know if he wants to get back together". Trust me on this......IF HE EVER WANTS TO GET BACK TOGETHER, YOU WILL KNOW. It will be unambiguous.
We have a saying around here: When they want to get back together you will know, if they don't you will be confused.
So how are you feeling right now? Confused, right?
Let him go to get him back. Tell him you are not comfortable getting together to sign anything. Tell him to send you the paperwork so you can have your lawyer look it over. Then just stop communicating about it. If he continues to text you about it, just restate that he is to send it to you so that you can have your attorney look it over. He will get angry. He will get mad. He wants to fast track things, take the easy way out. Your job isn't to stop the D, but A) to protect yourself and B) to slow things down so he can have some time to consider what he is actually doing. Do not actively block the D, but don't do anything that helps it along. For instance, if he says "I need to X document from our files, can you find it and send it/bring it?" Your response: "I am sorry, I am very busy at the moment, you are welcome to let yourself in and find whatever you need."
In the meantime.........Kelsey should be GAL like a madwoman. Do not sit home and stew and worry. Get out and stay active physically and mentally. Join a gym. Find ladies groups. Start going to church (my favorite!). Also, get into IC for yourself. This combines GAL with 180s. We all can improve ourselves, use this time as a chance to make self-improvements.
And finally study and learn what detachment is and start detaching. Detaching in a nutshell is not reacting emotionally to what he says and does. He could come to you and tell you "I have been engaging in threesomes with 2 women at the office" and your response would be a nonplussed "oh....ok." No more crying, begging, pleading.
A certain bald-headed Texas TV psychologist likes to ask women like you "why are you sitting around waiting for this old boy?" So start deciding what you want, and start going out and getting it. (Note: saying you want HIM is not allowed, it has to be things like fulfillment, happiness, etc. IE things he can't provide for you and that you shouldn't be looking to others to provide anyway!)
Finally, realize that you can only control you. Not him. Drop the rope. Detach. Move forward with or without him.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
One thing that I started doing when detaching was remembering who i was and what I enjoyed prior to going out with my STBXW. i got back into photography, playing hockey and cooking - all things before I met her. I started going to church too and laying all of these worrysome things I cant control at Jesus' feet for Him to solve.
There may or may not be someone else, and detaching for me was the biggest challenge. I'd keep doing LRT and if he comes back, so be it. Either way, you will have gotten back YOU and probably the best version of you ever.
Steve has some great advice. Most likely his eye wandered a while ago. It's hard to maintain one relationship, but trying to do 2 relationships with the stress, shame, guilt, and pressure all around? That's very hard.
What's hard for you is to recognize his pain and to try and really THINK and not FEEL your way through this. He's sending lots of mixed messages bc he is all over the place. We have a saying here, please drive this into your head:
"Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do". It applies to everyone you meet and all the time.
My advice is to remove pressure, don't discuss things in details, protect your emotions, and recognize important things. You don't have kids together I take it. LRT it is. Talking about the dogs seems unnecessary. I love my dog and so does my W but if she separated I would take care of the dog and not mention it to my W.
Also, there are some great gals here that will be in to support you from the feminine side. Stay strong sister!
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thank you all. I have slowly admitted to myself that there is most likely someone else. I did ask him this when he dropped the bomb and he denied that there is or ever was someone else. He’s never been one to lie, especially not to me, but obviously all this is very out of character for him so why trust him? I’m feeling more and more certain he’s gotten a little too friendly with a girl at his CrossFit gym. He’s even now planning on getting his level 1 coaching certification. As if an attorney doesn’t have enough on his plate.
I thought I was implementing the LRT and trying to GAL over the past month. I started learning to play the piano, joined a gym and go 4 times a week, I have been in individual counseling, just started going back to church, and plan on starting a book club with some girlfriends. However, I’ve realized I was really doing all those things with the hope that it would help save our marriage, not really for me. I wasn’t reaching out to him through this time, but he showed no interest in what I’ve been doing at all so I’ve felt quite panicky.
I’m still struggling with wrapping my head around truly detaching. That feels so wrong, like I’m giving up on us. And technically, yes, our divorce would be very simple and straightforward so I’m afraid I don’t have time on my side. We don’t have kids and don’t own property together. Our dogs and some purchases (such as a car and furniture) are all we really have tying us together. If I’m not to actively block the divorce from happening, how do I keep slowing things down??
Steve has some great advice. Most likely his eye wandered a while ago. It's hard to maintain one relationship, but trying to do 2 relationships with the stress, shame, guilt, and pressure all around? That's very hard.
What's hard for you is to recognize his pain and to try and really THINK and not FEEL your way through this. He's sending lots of mixed messages bc he is all over the place. We have a saying here, please drive this into your head:
"Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do". It applies to everyone you meet and all the time.
My advice is to remove pressure, don't discuss things in details, protect your emotions, and recognize important things. You don't have kids together I take it. LRT it is. Talking about the dogs seems unnecessary. I love my dog and so does my W but if she separated I would take care of the dog and not mention it to my W.
Also, there are some great gals here that will be in to support you from the feminine side. Stay strong sister!
I know that Steven was cheated on... so he sees everyone the same. But without more evidence it adds NOTHING to the conversation.
If I’m not to actively block the divorce from happening, how do I keep slowing things down??
You slow it down by making him do everything. By not responding to things related to it right away. "Sorry, I am busy." You just do not act like an active participant in the divorce except for things you are legally bound to do. If he questions you on it is okay to tell him "I am still opposed to this D, but I will not stand in your way." However, it is unrealistic for him to expect you to not retain a lawyer. D is a legal proceeding and you need legal counsel to guide you. Someone that is not personally invested in the D (IE, not him). The example I gave is how you do it.
Him: "I need a copy of our marriage license. Please find it and bring it to me." You: "Sorry, I have a lot going on right now. You are free to come by and find our ML anytime."
A lot of times WASs will get lazy and want the LBS to take care of these kinds of things related to D. Make him do the dirty work.
Originally Posted by Many worries
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
I'm so sorry Kelsey...
Steve has some great advice. Most likely his eye wandered a while ago. It's hard to maintain one relationship, but trying to do 2 relationships with the stress, shame, guilt, and pressure all around? That's very hard.
What's hard for you is to recognize his pain and to try and really THINK and not FEEL your way through this. He's sending lots of mixed messages bc he is all over the place. We have a saying here, please drive this into your head:
"Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do". It applies to everyone you meet and all the time.
My advice is to remove pressure, don't discuss things in details, protect your emotions, and recognize important things. You don't have kids together I take it. LRT it is. Talking about the dogs seems unnecessary. I love my dog and so does my W but if she separated I would take care of the dog and not mention it to my W.
Also, there are some great gals here that will be in to support you from the feminine side. Stay strong sister!
I know that Steven was cheated on... so he sees everyone the same. But without more evidence it adds NOTHING to the conversation.
While true, I also know that in 99.9% of all D's there is a third party. So I wanted Kelsey to understand that likelihood (sounds like she was already there herself), because nothing sets detachment back further than not being able to handle the truth. We've seen DBers that made a lot of strides, but when the truth of their WAS' A came to light, they went back to crying, begging, pleading. Your goal Kelsey is to brace for that truth so that you have no reaction. I've said before that if my W were to BD me again my reaction would be "Oh okay, how quickly can you be out?" And then go back to what I was doing.
If your case ends up being the .01% that there isn't someone else, that is almost worse. As give a WAS a fog that makes them think everything will be perfect with the other person. When that fog eventually pops, there is a chance, if the LBS is still willing, that the WAS will want to come back. If he truly wants to be single again, that is a much harder fog for him to wake-up from.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
My advice is to remove pressure, don't discuss things in details, protect your emotions, and recognize important things. You don't have kids together I take it. LRT it is. Talking about the dogs seems unnecessary. I love my dog and so does my W but if she separated I would take care of the dog and not mention it to my W.
over hit on something important here. First he is right about removing all pressure. If you are doing LRT then this should be part of that. But notice his comment on the dogs.
A lot of LBS will use excuses where they make something that isn't important so important that they HAVE to contact their WAS. However, as ovr is alluding to it seems maybe you are using the dogs as an excuse to contact him. I had dogs when I was single. I didn't need anyone's help in caring for them. If you end up D'd you will likely be in the same position. So don't contact him about the dogs.....start caring for them as if you are single. It is part of LRT and detachment.
I also see you struggling, like we all do at first, with the idea of detachment. Detachment is not giving up.....it is no longer allowing his words and deeds have an impact on you emotionally.
Do the reading cadet sent you. It will help clear all of that up.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Kelsey, Sorry to hear of the struggles. You have come to the right place and will not find a better group of people to help guide you through this. There is some great advice already but one thing I just wanted to add that I didn't see already mentioned is to 100% look into getting an attorney and I would make it known to him that it is your intention to do things through lawyers as it is a complex legal process with possible life long implications if wrong decisions are made. It is extremely common on this board and was the same in my situation where the walk away spouse wants things done as fast and cheap as possible just so they can escape. My stbxw wanted an internet divorce originally. Who knows how things will play out, hope for the best, prepare for the worst but make sure you have your ducks in a row.
