So bit of an update.still living in the studio while waiting for rental property to be finalised.
Huge blow out with wife over a week ago when I mentioned I had been thinking about what she had said about me having had no boundaries and been passive aggressive.she beat me to the punch and emailed me a long list of her boundaries including never talking about us or the relationship.only emails regarding kids.for me to seek employment and leave the business and only to drop kids off at door.
I waited until she had cooled down and responded as calmly and reasonably as possible.i stated I understood her concerns and where possible validated her statements.i made it clear I wasn't willing to leave the business we both built prior to Xmas and didn't want to rush any major decisions that had such a huge impact on everyone.
Her responses was somewhat terse to begin with but agreed we needed to take time to think everything over.the next morning I get a call from her asking me to come over right away as our 15yr old family dog was seriously ill.i spent the day with the dog providing comfort as whatever was wrong with him passed.and she invited me to stay the night on the sofa to keep an eye on the dog.things appear to have been much better throughout the week.
Have to run and pick up the kids but will update on the week this evening.
Last edited by job; 10/11/1901:58 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
So the update on the week is that things calmed down.we have been getting on ok talking about kids and their upcoming holiday it's also both my wife and my son's birthdays next week.
She has called me over to the house a few times.she re added me to her what's app and conversations about work and kids have been friendly.i stayed over again one night as wife and son wanted to watch a horror film and to be honest I think they both wanted me there as they both get scared.jokes have been shared via text and WhatsApp.she invited me along this Sunday to a family outing with the kids.
Then today I kinda put my foot in it.i was round the house to pick up some stuff,we were talking in general about depression and abuse then the kids.at some point I said I really liked her new t-shirt that she looked nice.she immediately said she doesn't want me saying things like that.i apologised but she brought it up again a few hours later saying it was a boundary violation.that she doesn't trust me and that she is slightly offended by the changes I have made in sorting myself out.she stated that she is no longer my wife.that it didn't matter if the changes lasted 2 years or 5 years down the track she would never get back together. I apologised but I guess I was visibly shook.
She came back a few minutes later to say she felt bad and that she didn't want to hurt me or for me to beat myself up. I told her not to feel bad and that I regretted saying she looked nice along with a lot of other things.
She said it wasn't such a big deal and we should forget it.
Truth is I have been pining for her this week and being around the home and kids and joking etc I lost my sense and really shouldn't have complimented her.
Not sure what the right action is next.i desperately want to help with the kids and enjoy the family trip.at the same time while I'm trying to keep it positive and light around her ,man it's a struggle.
Last edited by job; 10/11/1904:59 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
Please put a space between your paragraphs. This makes it easier for all to read better. Thanks!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
@Job - Ooh! Thanks for the spacing. Now I am willing to read.
I suggest reading the Boundaries thread on here that Cadet links to. Sending you a long list of "boundaries" sounds more like an attempt to control you than to set boundaries on her behavior. You shouldn't be agreeing to her terms unless they're what you want, or apologizing for not following them unless you agreed to.
Imperfect Sample:
You: "I really like the new t-shirt that looks nice on you." Her: "I don't want you saying things like that." You: "Noted."
Her: "Complimenting me was a BOUNDARY VIOLATION. I don't trust you." You: "I can see you're upset I complimented your t-shirt. I'm sorry you're upset. I don't plan to again." Her: "Don't compliment me at all!" You: "Since I don't like seeing you upset, I'll consider that next time." Her: "You are violating my boundaries!" You: "When I don't do what you ask me to, I'm violating your boundaries?" Her: "How can I trust you?" You: "I'm not promising anything. I control me. You control you."
The hardest two things I find about boundaries and validating is remembering that (1) less is more, and (2) don't get riled up by what they say - no matter how wrong you believe it is - and remain calm.
The examples given above by CW are great. You don't say much, and when you do you say it calmly, slowly and pleasantly so the spouse has absolutely no way of accusing you of being argumentative at all.
I did this all wrong myself; when everything kicked off my W would call me and we'd go round and round for hours. I'd get frustrated at her assuming things but would stutter my arguments in a panicked way. I wish I found this site back in May as I'd have learnt some excellent DBing skills to try out over the phone/by text back then. Nevermind!
If there are no terms, just do as per the examles above. It definitely sounds like controlling behaviour, I agree.
The boundaries thread is very useful. Start with that then the validating thread after.
Me - 36, W - 32 No kids T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr Discovery - 14 May 2019 S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019 D & House sale final - Feb 2020
So the update on the week is that things calmed down.we have been getting on ok talking about kids and their upcoming holiday it's also both my wife and my son's birthdays next week.
She has called me over to the house a few times.she re added me to her what's app and conversations about work and kids have been friendly.i stayed over again one night as wife and son wanted to watch a horror film and to be honest I think they both wanted me there as they both get scared.jokes have been shared via text and WhatsApp.she invited me along this Sunday to a family outing with the kids.
Then today I kinda put my foot in it.i was round the house to pick up some stuff,we were talking in general about depression and abuse then the kids.at some point I said I really liked her new t-shirt that she looked nice.she immediately said she doesn't want me saying things like that.i apologised but she brought it up again a few hours later saying it was a boundary violation.
WHAT??? How dare you say she looks nice! What is wrong with you? Seriously though, here's the dynamic that is probably at work here: you've been DB'ing and she felt the pressure lift. She started opening up and letting you back in a little, then she freaked out about it thinking she was sending the wrong signals and decided to lash out over something VERY VERY MINOR. This does happen a lot, it really has nothing to do with you or what you said, it's just her running back into the castle and pulling up the drawbridge. Do you know the castle analogy? If not let me know and I'll paste it here.
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she stated that she is no longer my wife.that it didn't matter if the changes lasted 2 years or 5 years down the track she would never get back together. I apologised but I guess I was visibly shook.
DON'T apologize. LISTEN and VALIDATE. "Yes I can tell you've been struggling, this must be very difficult for you." Why not apologize? Because you didn't do anything wrong, there is nothing to apologize for. Don't feed into her dialog that everything is your fault. The beauty of validating is you're acknowledging her feelings without AGREEING with them.
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She came back a few minutes later to say she felt bad and that she didn't want to hurt me or for me to beat myself up. I told her not to feel bad and that I regretted saying she looked nice along with a lot of other things.
Don't tell her how to feel or not feel. She feels the way she feels. VALIDATE her feelings. And seriously, you regret paying her a compliment? Now don't get me wrong, you shouldn't offer physical compliments to a WAS because it does come off as pursuit. But it is really not the big deal she's making of it. She's blowing it all out of proportion.
So it's been a really tough week/few days, completely lost track of time. Sunday I joined her and the kids for a family day out. This was mostly a good day, a few minor awkward moments but as a family we had fun.
We returned to the house. She invited me to stay for something to eat. I put the kids to bed and she mentioned how the day had seemed too close to normal and to the past and how she would be happier once I have my own place. I validated that the must have been difficult for her.and I left on kinda good terms.
So I'm drifting in and out of sleep on the studio floor. Unable to stop thinking about her and she phones at 1am in tears that our family dog is really ill. I rush over and he's having severe seizures.
She is distraught.after consulting vet I tell her to go to bed and get some sleep and stay with him all night through further seizures and post seizure recovery.
It's her birthday the following morning and I had taken the kids out to buy their gifts for her.after the kids are taken to school we take the dog into the vets and it's clear it's a brain tumour. At 16years old I have to make the decision to end his suffering.
We were all there at the end and there was a lot of tears and even shared hugs with my wife. It's been a really rough few days.between the death of the dog.my wife's birthday, the dogs funeral today which is also our son's 12th birthday all against the backdrop of them flying off this evening on a family holiday minus me.
We have bonded at times, cried and laughed.but at several times it became clear the walls were in place. Yesterday she was crying and I approached her and she set a clear boundary that she didn't want any comfort. Later in the day she again reiterated how she needed a private life. She also stated after meeting friends last night she had yet to cry about the end of our relationship stating she had felt frozen.
To be honest that really hurt.sounds selfish I know. On the other hand she stated she knew I wasn't a narcissist which is a relief and commented that I had been really good throughout all of this and had seemed "present"
I had to go through all the family photos to find pictures of the dog for the kids.i stopped on just about every photo of her.was really heavy going.
So this evening I've waved them all off on their holiday and here I am on my own in an empty house feeling like I have lost everything my wife, my home, my family life, my dog. This level of change is almost unbearable. In a weeks time I will be in the new property.there will be fewer reasons to attend the house and be around her and the kids. She will have her private time. By me being able to have the kids this will facilitate her being able to have her single life.
Man this is a lot right now. Sorry for the long download.
