11 months post-BD. My venting to friends and family about W continues to dwindle. Everyone knows her personality and how she can be. I have received more than enough validation on this from all sides including her family and mutual friends. Unsolicited. I'm focusing as much as possible on staying on the high road, at least verbally. I can convey what I want to with a look or a shoulder shrug.
Still room for improvement in my interactions with W. I don't want to see her but I have to twice a week. I keep it cool and quick. Too cool, which is a sign I am not fully detached. We all have areas to improve, this is one of mine. I'm not going for warm, just less cool is the goal at this point. I can do it. When I am completely detached I believe I will feel it. It may take awhile longer, and that's okay, I am good with where my head is now 90% of the time. Getting all the way there is a process, and I am trying to be honest with myself and not buy into the false positives of "I'm detached!" that occur on the journey.
I am thoroughly enjoying my new home and could not imagine being back in my old house with W. It never even crosses my mind, not even in a flash millisecond. I am probably going to be a renter for a few years before i buy another house, and that's okay. I am living as much in the moment as possible. My life is so much better now than it was during IHS and during my MR after W ramped up her criticism and nastiness. No more walking on eggshells, no more getting prepped for conflict on the way home from work, no more power struggles, no more disrespect, no more blame-games, no more negativity and glass is half empty BS. It's over, and over for good. I can't believe i dealt with that shyt for so long, just goes to show the power of wanting to keep a family unit together is so strong, you do things your old self would laugh at and say "are you kidding, NEVER!" Now i can just say "NEVER AGAIN'.
This whole BD and D process has been an incredible journey of self-evaluation and self-improvement (in addition to analyzing W's flaws LOL). I thought I had it together and had things pretty well figured out before, but there is always room for improvement and growth. I have learned more than I could have imagined, going through my sitch. Crazy as it might sound, for that I am thankful. I am much improved as a person and as a future mate because of this journey, and more improvement lay ahead. What a ride it's been!
As part of my self-improvement process, I have been focusing on validating. On everyone - my kids, friends, family, and the girl that cuts my hair LOL. It's so great. I am also consciously focusing on asking more questions and talking a little bit less. These "little things" are actually not so little because they yield big results that I can feel as the interaction is happening. I have always been very social and feel like I have had a pretty good skill set there, but these tweaks are really making a difference, a noticeable improvement. There is always always always room for improvement.
After a few weeks off I am back into YouTube pretty heavily, on my iPhone with the headphones, in the gym, in the car to/from work, while I am alone in the house doing tasks, etc. All self-improvement related. The great stuff, I will listen to over and over, the repetition helps it sink in. I am re-visiting vids from many months ago for refreshers. I am quick to identify the junk and move on, and by now I have a good list of who knows their stuff and I focus on them. Not just relationship stuff, but core self-improvement as well, along with health, grooming, fashion, you name it. Even though there is a lot of content that I already know and apply, it's still good to hear it anyway. It's good to reinforce what you are doing right and identify weak spots that need shoring up.
I am getting close to a final custody schedule and getting the papers together to get this D done before the end of the year. It's really not over when the papers are signed, I still have to deal with W forever due to the kids. It's a marathon even more so than our sitches are. It's forever. Occasionally I find myself thinking "W you had your shot with me, you drove me away with your attitude, you blew it, you could have had me forever". That's very occasionally. Mostly I don't think about her as I am too busy with career, kids, gym, travel and friends. The type of person she is doesn't fit with my future plans and lifestyle. It no longer matters who she was when we were dating, when she won me over and I put the ring on her finger. It only matters who she became, or should I say who she always was deep inside according to her family, and who she unleashed on me after we got married and had kids. I don't want that type of person in my life.
So I am still feeling really good, I think I'm on a good trajectory, no dating yet but it remains on the horizon and will happen when I make it happen, I will do so when I am really fully ready. I must not be yet because I haven't made a move yet. I am inching closer to it. It will probably be triggered when I am out and about with no intentions, that's how it always has gone with me. Get out, GAL, and amazing things seem to fall in your lap. They come to you. It's kind of like gravity. When that is happening I know I am back 100% on my game. I'm feeling about 90% now, so I'm close. The excitement of a wide open road ahead, what a feeling.
The past few weeks have been busy at the office and making time fly by. I squeezed in a weekend away with 3 of my best friends - great dinner, drinks, smart talk - all good stuff. Other than that GAL activities have been a little slow due to work. I had tentative plans to meet up with some of the guys in the neighborhood last Saturday night but everyone bailed on it, so I just went to the gym late, came home, had a beer, handled a few tasks at the house and got to bed early and hit the ground running hard on Sunday a.m.
The kids are doing very well and continue to enjoy our new house and neighborhood. It actually could not be going better, and that's a blessing. I'm keeping a close eye on them and so far so great.
I read a lot of other sitch threads here but haven't had the time to comment much. A lot of people who started posting here around the same time I did have disappeared, kind of a bummer as I wonder sometimes how things are going, but I understand that it's probably a high percentage of people who just kind of fade away.
I haven't started yet but I do enjoy dating. It's going to be cool and little wild to be back out there again, it's been awhile. It's a silver lining of my sitch honestly - I get to go back out and meet a bunch of different women and have a lot of fun with it (for the most part....:) I'm inching closer to reaching out to a few women who I have had in mind. Keep you posted LOL.
I'm hitting the 1 Year Post-BD point and 2.5 months of full physical separation. Incredible. Living in the old house with W is becoming a fading memory. I love the freedom and peace in my new place.
A friend of mine said to me how great next year is going to be for me, fully turn the page, etc. I said things are great RIGHT NOW, and this is year isn't over yet - don't rush me into next year, there's lots of good times before the calendar flips!
It’s good to hear the update. Continue to spread the joy each and every day. Sounds like you’re doing awesome. Great job, great kids, great friends, and great future ahead. You’ve been there and back and can hold your head up high.
Like R2C said, enjoy this time as much as you can.
I know you’re going to kill it in the dating world.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
I had a few hours yesterday when I was down. It was based on my parents voicing concerns about how the kids and I are doing. This has been happening from time to time since I first BD'd them. They are not local BTW.
I think I just hit a spot after hanging up the phone with my dad where I felt weary and frustrated with having to reassure him and my mom all the time. I would think by now that with my track record that they would be more like my friends, who are universally saying "you look great", "you are handling this unbelievably well but we expected that", etc etc. Not "we are just so worried about you and the kids". None of that.
I guess people who play the "I'm really concerned" card may not realize that that can and often does burden the person they are saying that to. So I am navigating my own sitch and I also have to continually reassure you? Okay...
I'm venting a bit here obviously. I love my parents and hate that they are in pain over my sitch. I get that parents worry. I'm not holding it against them. I just had a moment of some weakness yesterday when I got tired of having to be the one providing comfort and reassurance.
My head is back in a good space now, and I'm thankful to have this space to post. I have some great friends who are great to talk to about this kind of stuff, but this space is available 24/7, and that is an incredible outlet. I'm wearing a pretty big smile at this exact moment, I feel like some great things are going to happen today.
It is perfectly OK, and is actually healthy to go up and down. The deeper down you let yourself go, the higher up you can go. Let out the "bad" emotions in private, never around the W.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
