Charting My Course

[LH19]

G,

Yeah man I bet it’s a little bit of all those things you mentioned. There’s something still there that’s for sure.

I’ve been doing some reflecting the past few days and I think you’re dead on that there is no way that can do the work and make the core changes necessary to try again.

[unchien]

Gekko-

Please do keep posting. I enjoy your updates and draw strength from your level headed resolve. I also feel I am in a similar position as you, wondering why I’m posting here anymore sometimes given I don’t want to R.

[DS9]

Hey Gekko,

That's such a great update mate. Thanks for sharing that. You're a model of how to move on, and I sincerely thank you again for your insight into ultra alpha women. Loved the bit too about XW pushing up against you!

From my perspective, the importance of people like you continue to post is that it helps people like me learn and grow.

Keep living life and keep posting (please)!

Cheers, DS

[Ready2Change]

So again the question arises why am I here if I am not trying to DB? What value does my story offer?

Your story shows people how they SHOULD BE THINKING AND BEHAVING. You have given W what she wanted. You are focused on yourself and your kids. You are not trying to jump to a new relationship to ease the pain.

You know what you want in a partner, and right now, it is not your W. IF she comes begging you to take her back, you will do the right thing and make her work hard to get you back.

You are the one of the guys here I can point to and say Read Gekko's thread, "DO WHAT HE DID".


HUGS

[Gekko]

Thanks guys.

14 months post-BD and now 4 months out on my own after IHS. Between being slammed at work, 3-4 nights with the kids, hitting the gym, travel, setting up the new house, going out with friends and some necessary solitary down time every week, I still have yet to go on a date. I felt "ready" months ago but haven't found the time to make it happen. Ready in my head, but that has not translated to action yet. I feel like the tortoise, not the hare.

I will say that going through the D process, I think my focus has been in the right spots, and dating is not one of them. Kids, taking care of physical/mental/emotional health, settlement and custody details, career, quality time with friends and family, GAL activities, time for just me - this is where my focus has been. Dating has not worked its way onto the priority list yet. Yet. It's eventually going to "make the cut" so to speak. I think about it a lot but I guess I'm just not quite there yet obviously.

So this weekend the kids and I head to the xmas tree lot to pick a great one and get the house decked out. Can't believe xmas is here already, this year just blasted by. I feel very positive going into the holiday and honestly no sadness the W and I are not together. It's going to be a great xmas season. The kids are very excited and it's wonderful to experience through their eyes.

[LH19]

Gek,

I’m going to give you some advice based on what I experienced. Things are going to happen naturally at first. You’re going to be out with friends and you’ll meet women naturally. I would wait at least a year before moving to online dating. I started to soon and was a waste of people’s time. The good ones won’t date a newly divorced guy. Like you said your schedule is full anyway.

Keep on keeping on brother!

[Gekko]

Gek,

I’m going to give you some advice based on what I experienced. Things are going to happen naturally at first. You’re going to be out with friends and you’ll meet women naturally. I would wait at least a year before moving to online dating. I started to soon and was a waste of people’s time. The good ones won’t date a newly divorced guy. Like you said your schedule is full anyway.

Keep on keeping on brother!

Thanks for the insight LH, always appreciated. Most of my dating and relationship history pre-dates the match.com era, except for about 3 years just prior to me meeting W. In those days I still met most prospects while out and about, and I used match.com to fill in any sparse spots. Had great success online with hooking up but nothing serious ever came out of it.

Interesting to hear you recommend to hold off on getting back online as I have been pondering it for a few months now to get things jump-started. But I haven't made any moves to create a profile and I think I subconsciously know it's not the right play now and that explains me dragging my feet. I think you're right about continuing to hold off on that for a bit longer.

Your observation that the top notch girls won't date a newly divorced guy also struck a chord. Honestly, I would probably advise any family member or good friend to steer clear of anyone who was just recently divorced or at least be extremely careful. I really haven't been taking my R status into consideration enough when evaluating my current market value. I mean I'm not even technically divorced yet. Been physically separated for only 4 months.

I suppose it might be somewhat moot because i'm not looking for another R at this stage, I'm just looking to keep things light and fun and easy. I'm too busy. So if a "keeper" type is going to steer clear because I'm too fresh off the end of my MR, that's perfectly okay, at least for now. I suspect that the point in time in the future when I am really ready to settle back into a R will coincide with the time when the highest quality women will feel I am far enough clear of the D for them. Funny how that works.

[Ready2Change]

I second what LH said about waiting at least a year before even considering OLD. After my divorce was finalized, I intentionally did not use online dating. I enjoyed interacting with everyone. Some interactions lead to dates. One date lead to a now 9+ year relationship.

Enjoy being single. It will most likely be short.

[Gekko]

I second what LH said about waiting at least a year before even considering OLD. After my divorce was finalized, I intentionally did not use online dating. I enjoyed interacting with everyone. Some interactions lead to dates. One date lead to a now 9+ year relationship.

Enjoy being single. It will most likely be short.

Thanks my man. As always solid input from you and LH. I'm not going to force anything or move too fast.

Court date coming up right before Christmas and still no final settlement agreement with W. My L thinks we are pretty close but doubts we'll have it done before the holiday. At the moment the ball is in W's court as we have presented a proposed final agreement with no response yet. So it looks like things will carry over into the new year, hopefully not too far....

My interactions with W continue to be 100% business. Usually via text which works best for me. We did need to speak on the phone last week about a few pressing things with the kids, and W tried to expand the subject matter into other non-essential topics. Her already high baseline anxiety was going up as she started to repeat the same points over and over. When we were a couple I used to give her a long leash and listen to her say the same thing over and over because that's what she needed to help discharge her anxiety (although later in our M I grew weary of it, it just wore me down). Now I just cut her off and say I don't have the time to get into anything except "A" and "B" right now, that's what's pressing, we can talk about "C" through "Z" later. I'm simply not going to listen to the endless anxiety-ridden repetitive diatribe anymore, that will be for whatever new guy she brings into her life.

I will say that I do look forward to listening and validating in my future R's, I like letting women talk through their issues without me needing to "solve" the problem for them. I think it's kind of cute when they go through that process. I say that very respectfully. I had a huge smile on my face the last time a female friend did it to me over the phone a few weeks ago. When she was done, I could feel her relax even over the phone, and she then said "so, how are YOU?" It was awesome.

Since high school I had 3 longer-term girlfriends prior to W and plenty of short-term flings. What I learned before I even graduated college was that after a R of any length ends there will always be another great girl that will come along. All of my serious girlfriends, including W, just kind of fell into my lap more or less. I think if you focus on leading a full and fun-filled life, the women will just show up. Building a career, taking care of my financial, emotional, mental, spiritual and physical health has always paid enormous dividends, along with developing and maintaining close friendships, family connections, hobbies and interests. Some people don't want to put in the work, and what they get out of life will reflect what they put into it. Everyone on this forum is capable of being better, of putting in more effort and of building an incredible life, regardless of what happens with their M. Do the work and great things will come your way, you'll see.

[DS9]

Hey Gekko

Hope the Court date goes well. How you coping with that stressor? Best of luck getting it settled by consent - it really is the best way.

Yet again your wife is similar to my XW, with the constant repetitous stream of consciousness and saying the same thing over and over. Your take on it being anxiety fuelled is interesting.

Like you, I've tried the validating with other women (not dates, just random women I interact with), and it does feel good, but more improtnatly to me, the women feel good as well, almost like a sense they are releived and connected. All part of women needing to feel emotional securtiy I guess. Learning about the concepts and principles of validation here has really helped me hone my listening skills

Good luck with the dating mate, and merry xmas.

Cheers, DS