Just be careful she’s not dangling hope as a carrot to get what she wants in the D.
Read up on detachment in the homework. That is what you are trying to achieve.
Detachment is: W happy JR happy W mad JR happy W sad JR happy
This is why we suggest keeping your distance because it’s easier to detach. Plus it gives her the time and space to think about what she’s doing. Remember she’s not using logic and reason.
Lastly do not listen to her words, look only at her actions.
Words: There is still hope. Actions: files for D Words: Let’s not ruin Christmas. Actions: Gets apartment
Thank you all again for the help. Rest assured I won't be ignoring you, I do appreciate any input, but I may not be able to get back here much until Monday of next week.
I really don't think there's anything she's trying to get in the D. We really do agree on everything. 50/50 on the son, her car payment is hers, her student loans are hers, she pays insurance for the kids (the older is 18 but can still be covered). Really, there's not much to argue, we sell the house, split the profit 50/50, I come out debt free with 50k or so in cash. I know she will miss my income more than I miss hers though, I am not a spender and she is. I never raised much of an issue, she's not frivolous or anything, but this will hurt her much more than me financially. Her take home is about 2k a month more than mine but between her student loans, car payment, and the child support she's been ordered she will really only bring home about 800 more than me. The part I hate is I'm paid monthly on salary, that takes some adjusting!
Please read all of Sandi's threads on WW (Wayward Wife).
She's cake eating right now, you are allowing her to have best of both worlds. She has you for family / security, and she has her AP for excitement / romance. If you allow her to carry on her affair, she's perfectly fine doing this for awhile. Either you tolerate the affair, or you state your boundaries about not having an open marriage, and either she stops the affair (not likely at this point) or you stop your interaction with her.
There's always hope out there, but there will also be daily chaos / roller coasters. You have to get yourself into a stable healthy mind to survive it.
(full disclosure - newbie myself in the middle of my own sh*t show right now)
By the way, it's not just Sandi on here that provide valuable insights from the perspective of wayward... you can find plenty of other content from people post fog retrospecting from wayward's perspective. They more or less match Sandi's comments, but it's good to have more data points
We are not supposed to share links to other sites, but google "wayward wife", "wayward spouse", "wayward fog".
To me, having an understanding their f'ed up mind helps keep me sane. You will realize that they mostly all follow the same script... things they say (lie) or do. Otherwise you might feel like you are the crazy one.
Newbie here too . The confusion has to be one of the hardest things to get a grip on . I too though my stich was different for a little bit but slowly as a DB I realized it was not . I took a good hard look at some of the input I got . Mainly bluwave in the beginning was an eye opener for me . I came to terms quickly with either he had an affair or there was one . No signs of anything in weeks so most likely burned out but I may never know . Let the affair burn out she’s having .
I take advice and apply it . If it works .....I do more of it . Balancing between not coming off cold or as you may think being a jerk or not caring is tough . Trial and error . One of the hardest days for me in the past few weeks was spending time with H and leaving to go sleep in two different places . I sobbed like a baby but something in me or something someone said to me on here just stuck with me . It will never get better if I do the same . It feels wrong not to just pour your heart out and try to wake them up .
Try not to pay a lot of attention to words but look at her actions . The good and the bad . That one took me a little to grasp not just the good ones but I have to look at the bad too .
At first the more you pull away the more you may see anger on her part . Just stay calm and don’t react to it . I would get hateful texts ignore them . Asked how I could be so happy ... Hours later H would call I would pick up the phone as happily as ever . I do not care if I’m picking up a dirty diaper I still answered happily .
GAL a lot . Take your child out and have a blast . Get dressed up nice to do it ! I got dressed up few weeks ago to go to the mall . Over dressed but felt good .
My H after months finally said the other night he wants to work on this together . Do I trust it ? No . Am I going to be a success story maybe or maybe not . The only one thing I can guarantee is that following the advice , posts or reading others stiches is that either way I gave it my all . That will be my success story .I will have no regrets .
Again, thank you all for the input. I should be able to communicate here for a few days. No huge developments or anything. We talked about the apartment, and I think I will end up moving there and she will stay in the house, I think it works better that way. She took the boys to a pumpkin farm this weekend and I didn't go. It was rough, I admit, but I do believe it's for the best. She asked no questions about me not going. I started sleeping on the couch this weekend too, and she finally asked me about that just as I'm walking out the door this morning for work:
W: So why are you sleeping on the couch Me: Because we are getting divorced and it's better for me if we're not in the same bed W: So you're just going to sleep on the couch until one of us moves out? M: Well once the apartment is set up I will probably sleep there a couple nights a week W: So I was a bad person for trying to move into an apartment but it's ok for you? M: I get why you feel that way, but that's really not it. I'm just leaving for work, we can talk about this later.
I must say, validating is hard already lol. I'm not sure where she came up with this "bad person" thing and it was hard for me to not just ask where she came up with that. All I had said about it was that I was confused because she implied that she was going to move out in the middle of December after telling me she thought we should have a "normal" Christmas. But apparently that wasn't what she was saying, it was the whole text miscommunication thing. Either way, I will talk to her tonight and tell her the truth as I see it. Because she slowed down the home sale and changed her mind from her original stance that we should not spend Christmas together I thought she was rethinking things, but I see now that's not true. I will also tell her that we will not keeping doing all these fake happy family things, it's time to start making this real for everyone, especially S6 and me.
First the good. Good choice in not attending the pumpkin farm and playing happy family and a decent job validating for the first time.
Now the bad. You should not be sleeping on the couch and definitely should not be moving out. She's in an affair she sleeps on couch. She's in the affair she moves out. Keeping the martial bed and home is a symbol of you standing for the marriage. Shows strength. You sleeping on the couch and moving out is passive aggressive behavior the shows weakness.
